Full Time Mum? ...Or Work? Frank advice gratefully received...

[BiscuitChart]

Hi all,

I've been offered redundancy from work, and as my job is really specialised, I wn't find one again in a hurry.

If I take it, I think I'll stay off and look after baby for a few years.

Has anyone done this? Any advice on what being a full time mum is like, and whether you wish you could go back to work gratefully received!

Thansk all :)

I do both so probably not very helpful!

I'm a childminder and mind full time whilst still caring for my own toddler and am there to collect and drop my two school aged children as well. I like the mix of having a full time job and financial contribuation to the household and yet still see the DC's all day. I love children though and childminding is very full on with regs and paperwork but it taxes my brain a bit more than when I was a SAHM (which I did love btw).

Something you'd consider?

I worked part time and ended up taking a career break as I found it too much with 3 children (and then had another) I found my relationship with my dc was different and more relaxed once I gave up work. I suppose the "house" stuff was spread out over more days and I developed a social network etc which didn't happen when I was juggling work and motherhood.

There are quite a few threads on this kicking about mumsnet - there are some in the going back to work section for instance
but things to think about
depends on your situation, ie what does your partner do - if they work long hours its much easier for someone to be at home fulltime
is your job stressful/have to work long hours eg part time not possible or a long commute - then not working might be good
, how happy you will be at home - some people love it, some don't, -in my observation people who enjoy it most normally get out and about alot, and do something such as voluntary work/a course to keep their brain going
finances - does it work -assume it does, but how do you feel about not having your own money,
how easy would it be to go back to work say when your baby is at school - it can be a struggle

Can you afford it? How secure is your DH/DP's job? Did you enjoy your job before you were made redundant? How long will it be before your skill set becomes obsolete if you do decided to be a SAHM but then realise that it is not for you? (Not saying that it will, but it would be wise to acknowledge that it might happen) Are you planning more DCs, and if so, when? Childcare costs ridiculous amounts of money so it's worth thinking of what might happen if you do go back to work and then have another child.

And aside from all the above hoard-nosed sensible stuff, what does your heart say?

FWIW I went back both times (but wasn't in a redundancy situation) as we couldn't afford for me not to work. After DD2 there was a period of 3 years where childcare ate up 3/4 of my income (and that was at the relatively cheap rates in my local area, very lucky!) and we were living month to month covering the bills - but had I not worked, they would not have been covered, and not having a big career gap definitely helped me find another job when I was eventually made redundant.

I became a SAHM 7 years ago by accident we moved with DH's job, he is paid way more money than I could ever earn, and I quit my part-time job for the move.

We both intended that I would return to work but we moved in the October and I unpacked the house and then we got Christmas out of the way, we realised we were more than coping on DH's new salary and I enjoyed being at home.

DS1 was 16 months old at the time, he is now 8 1/2.

It can be very lonely, mind numbingly dull at times and it depends on how you view money and whether you have separate bank accounts and how the finance side will work. I found it very difficult to make friends when I moved so I was basically in my own company and that of DS's until he started pre-school by which time I had a new baby.

Your partner's attitude can also influence how you feel. It can be laughably seen as an easy option, sitting at home with your feet up and clearly there are good times and bad.

Also how other people view you. My sons are 8 and 5 and I do not intend to work. Some people seem to think that I need to somehow contribute to society. We live off DH's wage and Child Benefit. I am happy pottering, I do volunteer work and DH is also happy with our situation. My health has vastly improved from the lack of stress from juggling childcare and my own illness and DH loves his job so he is happy too.

Think Fizzy's post says all I could.

My DCs are now grown up but I had time off at first then worked part-time (never more than 2 days per week though)

I think the reduction in stress and the building of the social networks are priceless and outweigh the drawbacks many times over.

having said that it is a very personal decision and you have to do what is right for you

Maybe you could take redundency money and retrain/specialize in something else?
The financial drop for us was big but I am happy with my decision to stay at home for a while... for four years now! I have just retrained as a childminder and just received all my certification and ofsted stamp of approval, so that I can be more independent finacially. That was the hard bit for me. I also manage some flats/buy to let kind of stuff, so I do participate to the income of the family.

But to be fair to myself I really didn't like my last job and was so happy when I resigned. If I'd had a great job that I would have loved, my situation would be different.

I do every few months go through a phase of 'that's it, I want to leave the kids with an au pair and go back to work I am fed up with ironing' that kind of thing, but it doesn't last...

How did you feel about your job before this was offered?

If you don't take it what are the chances of you being made redundant anyway?

Is the VR package any better than the R package?

What is the VR package equal to (a year, 2 years net wage?)

How would you keep up with your specialism so you could go back in a few years? Is this even an option?

Would they consider a .5 instead of VR?

Everyone is different, so how you (would) react to being a SAHM is very dependent on your own personality and your current relationship with work.

Personally, I chose to quit work to look after DD and have no intention of returning until she is in full-time education. I had a demanding though enjoyable career for several years, left that to travel for a while then spent a year or so teaching English as a foreign language - something I enjoyed very much and found fulfilling. Then I had DD.

I have never regretted giving up paid employment so I can concentrate on looking after DD while she is tiny. DH is currently a full-time student, so our income is very low. But we manage fine - it's not so difficult if you don't mind living in a modest way. We still have plenty of fun.

It's potentially dull to be on your own with a small child all day, but I make sure we get out the house and do something every day - toddler groups, visiting friends, play dates, even simple things like outings to the shops, the park or the library.

I find our life is highly social as I'm constantly meeting other parents and making new friends at the various activities or randomly when we're out and about. Once you factor in meals and nap time, the day usually flies by.

I actually feel hugely privileged to be able to spend so much time with DD and experience her learning new things every day and being able to delight in her company without the stress of having to fit in time at work as well.

It's definitely not the easy option, but I feel that no one could give me that time back with DD - they grow up so quickly. On my deathbed, I don't think I would ever say "I wish I'd spent more time working". On the other hand, in a different situation I can imagine saying "I wish I'd spent more time with the people I love, especially my children when they were growing up...."

All mums are full time mums - and I say this as a part time WOHM/part time SAHM.

You are deciding between being a WOHM and a SAHM. You are and always will be a full time mum.

I'd intended to return to work - but while on mat leave, the company I worked for folded - so the decision was made for me. And I am hugely grateful!
I've been able to do a zillion more things with DS than I'd have been able to do otherwise. It is fun, fascinating, utterly exhausting - but totally brilliant!
Very subjective, I know - but based on my own experience these last 3 years, I'd urge you to go for it SAHM mum-wise.
Yikes for saying so, but I do think it is better for your DC - that's the main thing. In the span of a lifetime, it's a really short period that you are 'giving over' to someone other than yourself/ your career.
But also, during this period, I have made some brilliant friends. We knew, prior to DS, our next door neighbours and that was about it. Now on a trip to the shops or park, we'll meet 5, 10 great people and their DCs. It plugs you into your local area in a completely different way.
Money-wise, it is not a disaster! You have have much more time to root out a bargain - DS is clothed from head to foot from charity shops and looks great; meal plans will cut a swathe through your shopping bill. It's OK.
Lastly, I too work in a v specialised area so had very similar worries - but have found that bits of work have come my way, and now that DS is 3 I've been able to increase what I do.
Finally, if you do decide to be a SAHM for a little while, DONT stay at home! Get out, out, out all the time - meet people, do stuff. Don't just do things which are specifically child orientated - any new environment is tremendously exciting! The other day we went somewhere I though would be fun for us both, turned out to be totally dreary for him in terms of what was on offer - but we turned it into a brilliant adventure with dragons, baddies and secret tunnels round every corner - and I still got to see the things that I wanted to as well.
Honestly it's great!

I am a SAHM through circumstances - live abroad and childcare is not easy so I have had one or both small children with me continuously for 4 yrs. If I lived in an ideal world both DH and I would work p/t and we would have family/friends nearby. But I don't and it is me 12 hrs a day 5 days a week (not including getting up 2 -3 times a night).

Some people it suits but being with small children all day every day is for a lot of the time frustrating, boring and lonely. I think I would be better off working p/t and having something to stimulate my brain. You have to been highly resilient to be with small children all day every day and I think it is a pity that it has to be either/or when p/t work could be beneficial for mother and child.

You lot are brilliant.

I really, really appreciate the time you have taken to give your advice.

Isn't it funny that doing such a small thing for someone esle can mean so much to them?

Thank you all, will consider what to do....

Biscuit xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx