Just need a quick reality check here: Or, the best one-liners for use on stroppy children.

[frogs]

Is it just me, or is it not normal to spend the entire evening up and down the stairs bringing snacks of their choosing to your children's bedsides? Or to sit by the bed for 45 mins while the child screams its head off because there isn't any orange juice and apple juice just won't do? At 9.45 pm? And is, "Don't say that, it's not nice," an appropriate response to being called 'bloody stupid cow' by a 5yo?

We've just come back from a week away with old friends who we haven't seen much since they had children. The kids were running the show, making the most ridiculous demands and taking the piss out of the parents' weedy attempts to keep them in order.

Dh and I kept out lips firmly buttoned, although it is a bit galling to be constantly told, "Oh, you're just lucky, your kids are easy, you don't understand." But we did amuse ourselves on the car journey home by compiling a list of our favourite putdowns to take the wind out of a stroppy child's sails.

Apart from the golden oldies:
'What did your last slave die of?' and 'Oh, poor child, she's lost the use of her legs,' the leading contenders were:
'Yes, I'm scared of that carrot, too'; 'Oh, I'm sorry, did you require a silver plate?'; 'If you yell loud enough, the juice might climb out of the fridge by itself,' and my personal fave:
'Of course you can lie on the floor and scream, sweetheart, but I'm a bit busy just now so I'm afraid I won't be able to stay and watch you."

Any one else like to contribute?

Ooh, look - if you push this kitchen door it closes like magic!
When did your legs drop off.
Please go into the hall to have that tantrum as I don't want to listen to you (dd2 used to go into the hall BEFORE she started the tantrum )
When you're 18 and paying your own way you can do that too (whatever I'm doing that they're not allowed to)
If you don't want to eat/drink that there's always water/bread and butter

Why do some people not realise that the reason your children are so much easier is because you don't allow them to get away with it?

Message withdrawn

Sadly, my put downs lack wit, they are more along the lines of "tough", "I am not your servant" and "I don't care that xxxx is xxxx, sort it out yourself". Hmmm, must spend some time thinking up bon mots to make my kids childhood more entertaining.

Frogs - your friends' life sounds a nightmare.

Frogs, you are so clever. I find myself far too feeble a lot of the time. I must adopt your personal fave pronto as it is peculiarly applicable to DD2.

"you can have one when you can afford one!"

Whenever any of mine deign to tantrum I simply stand and say...."Oscar!!! Oscar!!!! That's worthy of at least a Golden Globe!"

Worked a treat on the first 3. Only 2 to go now. lol

I hate that, Frogs - that "oh you are so lucky, your children are so well behaved" line. They didn't come like that, it was bl**dy hard work!

The other thing I hate is when it's said with a faint air of superiority. Went to a soft play area with a couple of friends and their children the other week and we were early so they kindly let us in to wait in the foyer - there was an open door to the play area. A woman I can't stand from school turned up with her brood (she's of the "oh Tarquin, darling, don't hit that toddler in the face with that iron bar, it's not nice" school of parenting). Our children were amusing themselves in the foyer bit but hers were straight into the play area despite being told it wasn't open yet. She said "oh, aren't your children good - doing what they're told and staying in here" but it was so obvious she was really thinking "what sheep those children are..not like mine, such independent spirits."

Grrrrrrr.

My children are far from perfect, btw (lest I sound horrendously smug) but they are relatively well behaved in public

i wish there was an apropirate putdown for people who are so very bad at parenting that they think good kids are born and not made

something that doesn't make you look like bitch incarnate or like ou feel liek a better parent. i lurch from day to day but i still have generally wellbehaved childrne because i don't take any shit from them

Well, I think

"They didn't come like that, it was bl**dy hard work!"

is a pretty good response to the parents who say "you're so lucky".

When people say it to me I reply as if they intended to pay me a compliment - "why thank you, its hard work but it does pay off"

I like "please go and have that tantrum in your bedroom, you're making the place look untidy".

Oh, and "SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!".

when dd1-14 has a strop, i just say, wow, you should have been on the stage

however, i asked dd1 to get me a cup of tea last night as im ill and she retorted," what did your last slave die of", to which i replied," not getting me a cup of tea".

understairs cupboard now