3 year old son only responding in English :(

[Maria2007loveshersleep]

Hi everyone, thought I'd ask for some suggestions/ideas/advice. My DH & I are both Greek, living in London for the last 8/9 years or so. We have a 3.3 year old DS who is going to english speaking nursery since he was 2 (part time).

At home we both speak to him, of course, in Greek. However, he only responds to us in English which he speaks very well (with a very English accent!) He understands everything, with all the nuances, in Greek, but only responds, as I said, in English although he does use some Greek words (colours, the word for home, the word for milk, that kind of thing).

We would like to take a more active approach from now on with his Greek as we're realizing that it's not coming naturally as we had hoped would happen. The strange thing is, living in London & being Greeks, we were concerned that his English would be behind & we wanted him to learn good English. However, the opposite has happened which surprised us: it's his Greek that fell behind (massively so).

Do you think it's a lost battle? I wouldn't think so as he's only 3, but I'm a bit discouraged. So any advice & strategies for those who struggle with bilingualism would be very welcome.

My husband speaks my kids' less favoured language to them. He 'doesn't understand' when they speak English (except when they clearly need help working out how to say something) - so far, it works, though I'm not sure how long it will last for.

The other thing is to find all sorts of ways of making it really easy and fun for your son - read books he loves with him and get him to say what comes next, songs, jokes, go back to 'baby' stuff like naming body parts - anything that will let him feel less inhibited. It will come, if you find a way that works for you.

A couple of weeks ago I posted exactly your concern in a German parenting forum. Our 4.4 year old DD understand German 100% but her active language is English. Like you we obviously wanted her to be fluent as we live here and she now started school.

This is was I had been told:

1. It is normal. You didn't do anything wrong.

1. Positive encouragement by praising him if he speaks Greek. Don't worry about grammer, that will come. Ask him to name things in Greek, repeat what he told you in Greek to boost his vocabulary, read, sing and talk in Greek. Try to restrict English TV and get DVDs in Greek, get storybooks in Greek

1. Contact. Not sure but is there maybe a Greek school/playgroup near you? Holiday: As long as you are not restricted to school terms try to get to Greece as often and long as you can. Or try to get family over for a break.

We spent a week in October with my non-English speaking in-laws and after 2-3 days DD spoke nearly 75% German. It went down again since being back here but we know she can do it.

1. The "I don't understand you"-approach: DH tried to do this. It backfired. DD didn't speak to him anymore. I have seen it working at friend's house but it may really depend on the child.

Good luck.

thanks for the suggestions/thoughts.

As for the 'I don't understand you' approach. For me (and that's my personal opinion, I don't believe what I say is right for everyone) that feels fake & dishonest, given that I do speak english & do understand in english & my DS knows that perfectly well (he sees me speaking english all the time!) Plus, I believe communication in any language is what's most important, and I wouldn't want him to be struggling to make himself understood to his own mother. I really don't see how that would work & how people do it, but I guess each family has their own way, different ways work for different people.

In recent weeks (and particularly after reading noramum's post) I've been trying to just add greek words for simple things all the time, and it seems it's working quite well as he's resisting less & trying out new words a bit more. Eg words for colours, for animals, simple things like that (going back to basics). I just try to add them to our normal conversation ie 'how do we say this in greek?' and so far so good... but it's a struggle!

Any other tips much appreciated if anyone has them!

I'd say it is normal in the sense that it goes in phases, but may be a sign that you need to up fun exposure in Greek (books, DVDs, playmates if you can organise it, holiday if you can afford it). Don't give up, don't assume you have done anything wrong, just keep plugging away.

3yos can be stubborn at the best of time: ds went through a phase of refusing to speak any English whatsoever though he was surrounded by English speakers and perfectly competent. It wore off in the end. Just don't be tempted to give up.

I always felt the same as you do about "I can't understand you"- it felt wrong to tell fibs; besides both my children knew at that age that I spoke English and they were great at back-chat; there is no way they wouldn't have called my bluff.

It will all be "going in" so definitely don't give up.
There is good advice on this thread. I would particularly recommend Greek playgroup/ Sat school/ playdates, as I suspect that children are particularly helped by seeing other children speaking the language.

Just a quick response to the 'not understanding' as dishonest thing - I don't think, the way we do it anyway, that it is or comes across as an attempt to deceive - it's simply a way of stating that this is the way we do things. It does take practice and determination, but it can be done in a perfectly supportive way with communication (which of course is the most important thing) at the heart of it. And if you want to get a child to feel that they genuinely speak and have ownership of a language, as opposed to learning it, it can be a very valuable tool.

These books might be of some interest:

www.amazon.com/Raising-Bilingual-Child-Living-Language/dp/1400023343

and

www.amazon.co.uk/Growing-Two-Languages-Practical-Bilingual/dp/0415598524/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320700390&sr=1-2

Hi! I am Greek, too, and have a toddler who just started talking but all words at the moment are in English! I always speak to her in Greek at home but it seems that it is easier for her to say the words in English. I was wondering what else I could try to help her. Your suggestions are very helpful. I will give them a go. Any other suggestions are very welcome.Thank you.

Hi Xenna, I think to be honest that this is fairly standard, at least from what everyone has said it seems that regardless of whether we speak in Greek (which we do) toddlers prefer to respond in English. How old is your daughter?

What I have found- and I think I wrote about it before- is that there's recently a great improvement (now that my son is a bit more than 3) just by 'going back to basics', introducing basic, simple words & repeating again & again in Greece. He's doing really much better with this method so we'll continue! We also keep telling him what a 'special boy' he is, speaking 2 languages, and that seems to help too :)

Re whether "not understanding" is dishonest.

I think it is a game, and perceived as a game by the child - UNLESS you were to push it in situations where the child was clearly distressed, in which case it would not only be dishonest but cruel.

Language use only takes place when there is a need for it - children are, in general, not ale to perceive such abstract "needs" as "you need to practise this because in then years' time you will be grateful." So I think it is normal to create an immediate "need" where perhaps there wasn't one before by saying, about realtively non-contentious stuff in low-stress situations, "sorry, I don't understand, can you say it in [X]?"

"I wouldn't want him struggling" - but, until he is stronger in Greek, he IS going to struggle, because his Greek is weaker! But the more you put him in situations where he needs to speak Greek, the more automatic it will become and the less he will struggle. This has certainly been my experience with French.

To clarify, my daughter absolutely understands that I speak fluent English, but nevertheless accepts as valid " ke ne comprends pas" - they're tow separate realities for her.

I'm often a replacement TA in a bilingual French-English class where about 1/2 speak either French as a first or second language and are pretty fluent and the other 1/2 are learning French from scratch, these are 5-6 year olds. They all seem to have figured out I can speak English now but when those who are only at a basic French level speak to me in English, I just keep reminding them it's French morning and can they try and say it in French - it's just one step from saying "je ne comprends pas". It would be so much easier just for them to speak English to me and for me to reply in English, it's bloody hard work constantly replying in French to their English, but it's an immersion class, we are mirroring what a parent would do at home, French teacher morning and French environment or English teacher morning, no mixing of languages. We do an awful lot of speaking and comprehension rather than reading and writing in French. So I don't think it is dishonest to use the "I don't understand" to ignore and repeat back in the target language.

I think the OP needs some Greek speaking children the same age to play with her child, although if they also speak English, the children might still choose English, it does make it easier if a child hears the target language being spoken by all ages, not by just mum or dad.

"it does make it easier if a child hears the target language being spoken by all ages, not by just mum or dad." And also by other adults to other children, so they know it's not just a game that mummy plays for fun but a real language.

We have exactly the same problem, made worse by the fact that we're a mixed couple and DS can only learn my language from me (and my parents)

DP is furious with me because DS will always prefer English to the other language. DP blames it on the fact that I am not speaking to DS exclusively in my language - I try but it's difficult when you're surrounded by EVERYTHING in English - work (full time), TV, friends & family you name it!

I'll show him this thread but not sure how much it will help.....we have a friend who's married to a foreign lady and somehow they managed to raise they kids entirely bilingually from the start (kids speak both languages equally well) - I personally think it's a massive exception but DP won't buy it :(

Thanks for the links Ohbugger have ordered one....

I think you are right, MIFLAW; playing it as a game, and joyfully, is no more dishonest than playing the Santa Claus game; it's a case of suspending disbelief.

(Though ime doesn't always work with languages if the child is one of those back-chatting clever clogs who take a delight in catching mummy out)

The only thing I would add is songs. Nursery rhymes are great for language learning, and I sing nursery rhymes all the time - my son will almost always join in even if he won't actually speak the language. He has even started making up nursery rhymes in French. If you are in an English speaking environment then could be you are missing out on singing Greek rhymes together? We have lots of CDs to sing along to as well.

Hi Maria2007loveshersleep! My DD is 19 months. She is a late talker(I think) as she only started talking the last couple of months. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon?

As MsBrian is saying the childern are surrounded by the English language so I guess it makes sense English is the language they prefer to speak.

It is difficult to find other Greek speaking children, in my area anyway, so our hope is only taking them to Greece on a long holiday!:)

Yes to songs - it is a confidence boost for the child as (s)he can learn "chunks" of language which, by definition, are error-free. For the same reason, reading the same books over and over (which children of this age like anyway) is very reassuring, especially at a safe time like bedtime, and you can pause to encourage your child to join in. For there, substitution of words to create "original" sentences is only a step away.