Feel like I am constantly arguing and 'fighting' with DS (aged 9) - any ideas?

[Whippet]

He is being so challenging about absolutely everything at the moment!

As soon as he has to do anything he doesn't want to he is arguing back, back-chatting, resisting and even lying about things.

So e.g. homework sheet to finish, and he'll say "Oh Mr X said we didn't have to finish it if we didn't want to .." (I KNOW this is not true, as I have had an older child go though the same lessons/teacher/school.)

He just WILL NOT accept that I might know anything better than him. He will not be reasoned with...

We have just had a huge row about music practice, as he has an exam in 2 weeks time, and needs to practice. I was asking him to practice certain scales, which are listed in his practice book by his teacher, and he has alreday learnt.
He just kept trying to argue that they weren't going to be in the exam, so he didn't need to practice.
(I know they are - they are in the book and the syllabus - he is just trying to wriggle out of it all.)

He is acting like a lazy, spolit brat all the time at the moment, and then when he knows that I have 'found him out' about things he gets all tearful and defiant.

Help -I'm at my wits end...

Sometimes I feel like just 'walking away' and letting him fail spectacularly (at his homework/ music exam etc) but that's not really my style of parenting

He's only 9 and is pushing the boundaries. Because he's only 9 it may be a good time to back off and leave him to learn the consequences of his actions. If he fails his music exam you need to sympathise and ask if he would like to continue with the instrument. If he gets told off for non-completion of homework, well, he'll know who is to blame. You need then to have the general chat about if he wants to do well in school, get a job he enjoys, have a lifestyle that he expects...
In some respects it's possibly better to start now rather than continue the battles through to secondary. As children get older they need to learn not only that you have their best interests at heart, but that you can't do everything for them, but that you will always be there for support, encouragement and assistance, but not to be their conscience.
I know its hard, but I take the view that when they are babies they are 100% dependent on their parent/s but as they get older they need to learn to become less and less dependent, to gain their own motivation and learn to take some responsibility. Its not always an easy lesson.
I don't know if that helps, but you've got all those teen years yet to come...

DD is 11 and loves a good argument, so we've learned not to give her one.
In most cases, we'll tell her what she needs to do - once, maybe twice. She knows we'll help if necessary and we make it clear what the consequences are if it's not done. And that's it. It tends to work and it takes most of the drama out of it.

Hello Whippet it appears we have the same problem. DS2 (9) Everything is a huge row. I tell him to do his homework and he will say it doesn't have to be in yet. In fact ask him to do anything and he gets all arsey and backchatty.

The behaviour is very toddler like and I'm not sure what he is trying to achieve other than wind everyone up.

DS1 was never like this. . You have my sympathy.

Thanks for the replies!

Sparkling - I have the same problem - DS1 was never like this either.

I've tried the being firm and just saying 'this is what needs to be done' and then leaving him to it, with homework for example, and usually he has a major tantrum later because he 'can't do it' because 'i didn't help him...'

The tantrums are quite toddler-like. It's as if he has to go against anything that is asked. There is definitely a bit of 'cutting off his nose to spite his face' as my Mum would say.

Say we are going somewhere that he would enjoy for instance. He still makes a stand about everything from getting out of bed to putting his shoes on. I hope it is a phase!

Oh, and he likes to blame me for not putting the correct trainers etc in his PE kit when he has been so arsey getting it ready that I ended up throwing what I thought in his bag or we would be late.

Oh yes! That describes it perfectly - cutting off his nose to spite his face!

Tonight we were going to go into our local town to see them switch the Xmas lights on and we even said if the kids got on and did homework and music practice then we could go for a mid-week 'treat' and go for a pizza too.

DS2 was just so arsey, rude and obnoxious, and took so long about everything that I said we weren't going after all to which, of course, he said he never wanted to go, and it would just be stupid & for little kids, yada yada....

After he'd calmed down later he admitted (tearfully) that he'd wanted to go, and was upset that he'd missed it but when I patiently explained why (his behaviour and actions) he blamed me !

Grr....

Hormones perhaps?

Yes - we also have the complaining when he comes out of school... something he didn't like in his packed lunch/ something I'd apparently forgotten to put in his bag/ something I hadn't told him about for school (which I usually have never heard of anyway....)

yes - I hope it's a phase...

I did hear from MIL that DH was just like it at this age though.

I had your evening but about footy practice. He didn't want to go up to ten minutes before we had to go then blames me for nagging him to get ready. He said he would have been quicker without the nagging apparently.
We got there in the nick of time as usual....

I would let him learn the hard way with homework and music, he is 9yo and nagging him will just make him dig in his heels further! Tell him once and then let him get on with it.

Can you spend some one to one time with him doing something you both enjoy? Sounds like you need some quality time!

Whippet my ds1 is exactly the same

Some days I don't want to go home after work as I know he'll be ready with another row. Some days he's lovely.
Even if I walk away some days he's like a dripping tap. Even to the point where I'm in tears

Is is a burst of testosterone do you think?

It's not testosterone Dolly, DD is exactly the same when the mood takes her!

my glimmer of hope dashed then!

It's the pedantry that gets me, he'll pick me up on every teeny thing and it drives me insane

Oh YES.
Ask her to pick the dirty clothes up from her floor and she'll leave her wet towel sitting there - ask her to put her books away and she'll leave the comics. 'But you didn't SAY I had to do that too.'

Another one here - 10yo dd is the same. She asks me "why" she has to do everything I ask her to do. I guess it's normal rebellion as they get older. I was never like that though, which was possibly not a good thing.

I am trying a mixture of staying firm about respecting others, so she gets pulled up quickly on manners (lack of) or nasty comments to her siblings. I still use the "1-2-3 Magic" approach, so for example 3 arsey comments and there's a consequence. Earlier bedtime works quite well at the moment.

Apart from that I'm just trying to not engage when she wants an argument. If she leaves too much stuff lying around I might put it away but then she might not be able to find it when she wants it - her problem, with gentle reminder that if she had put it away etc etc. If she forgets what she needs for school I might bring it in if she asks nicely, but not if it's very inconvenient for me. I think they need to see that you will help, but it's not their entitlement to have everything done for them.

Piano practice is up to her after I've told her once, but in calm moments we talk about how it feels good to know you're improving at something and how it's someting she will always be able to do when she's older. That kind of talk has no effect when she's in a negative mood though. Homework I expect to be done, but again her problem if she gets into trouble for not doing it. Deep down dd doesn't want to be in trouble, which helps. Not looking forward to this stage with ds(8), as he doesn't seem to care in the least if the teacher (or anyone really) is cross with him.

Good luck everyone!