low self-esteem, self-harming and punishment

[TravellerForEver]

OK I need some help to disciple ds1 who 8yo.
He is a very intelligent boy, well ahead of his peers academically but he has self-esteem issues.
He also has this habit of 'self-harming' for a better word (he is bitting his knee or hand, no blood but very very clear marks from his teeth) when under pressure, for example when he is being told off or when things don't go as he would like them to.

Tonight, after numerous warnings, being told to behave properly at the table etc..., I sent him to bed wo watching a DVD which the dcs normally do for about half an hour).
Cue for some screaming, crying, him bitting himself and screaming 'I am stupid, I am the most stupid person in the world'. The issue here is that he actually believes he is missing out on something because he was stupid as a person, not because his behaviour at that time wasn't appropriate (or stupid).
This went on for half an hour, until dc2 went to bed.

So how can I actually discipline him wo making him think this is a reflection on who he is as a person?
Tonight was exceptional but this is a common reaction from him albeit at a smaller degree.

Selks I know you are right.
Which is why I asked him to get divorced a few months ago. He wanted to try again and I gave him another chance.
He has made some amends but he is so clueless about what is going on. His parents were treating like this and it really is his 'normal' way of reacting (not that it is normal of course).

Perhaps this should actually belong to the relationship section.

Traveller, then you really need to be doing something about it all for the sake of your DS. Best wishes.

how would the tea table scenario have gone if your DH had been dealing with it?

He wouldn't say a lot. Lots of frowning and 'looks'.
Would have told ds to behave, tone of voive becoming more and more pissed of ending by a put down/raised voice.
Then after the event would have probably told ds off for something trivial, and put him down even more.

On ds pov, he would probably not have said a thing (hardly does when H is telling him off). But then this would have come out by being very unhappy on a totally unrelated matter (releasing?).

Self esteem issues and self harm for an eight year old deserve serious attention from the parents. I would recommend family therapy. The problem is about your interactions as a family, not about your ds in isolation.

Good luck with this - you clearly want to help him

Thank you.
I have actually started a simliar thread in the relationship section and ... they've been saying something quite similar.

I am waiting to hear about a family counsellor, hopefully by tomorrow and I also rung YoungMinds for advise. Again they are going to get back to me.

It does rattle that no one yet as been saying 'Oh fgs there is nothing there to get really worried yet.'

Your mother's intuition is telling you something needs to change - tune in to this voice and you will be able to solve the problem

jjkm yes I agree H has being bullied. I believe that he has being bullied at school (but aren't quite sure about it) and has just recognized that his parents way to 'parenting' him was by putting him down.

Atm I am not sure ds really respects his dad or admires him tbh. He obvioulsy loves him but doesn't always like to be with him.

Good family therapy would probably be very helpful for this, whether you stay with DH or not. The thing would be getting your DH to engage with it. Would showing him this thread do anything to get him to realise how damaging he is being to his son? Does he know how his son really feels?

I don't think you can really solve this problem without your dh being willing to make some changes. You sound like a great parent but I don't know how much you can really compensate for an undermining father.

Good luck with this difficult situation.