Feeling a bit crappy about ds not getting a party invitation... has this happened to others?

[Mandy03]

Hi all. My ds is 5 1/2 and went to several other classmates' parties during the school year, but I bumped into another mum at the shops yesterday and she told me that her ds had been invited to another boy's party back in December (during the Christmas school holidays), and asked whether my ds had gone to the party. I was really quite taken aback as ds didn't even get an invite, when this boy and my ds were in fact quite good friends and played together a lot. I got the impression that not every boy in the class was invited, for all I know it could've even been a very small party, but all the same it made me feel quite annoyed & a bit left out - mainly on ds' behalf. Ds invited this boy to his party back in July, but he was unable to come as he was going on holiday with his family. I would've thought she would return the invitation - or perhaps I am being a bit silly about it.

I know this is probably pretty common but has this happened to your child & how does it make you feel? What irritated me more is that at the beginning of the school holidays, the mother of this boy suggested that we get the boys together for a play one day, and then nothing happened. She knows that my ds really likes her ds, but on the other hand maybe she couldn't invite everyone. It just makes me feel a bit hurt, which is probably crazy because it's just a kid's party! I didn't think the 'school days' would be quite so tedious.

This might be a daft question, but this thread is linked from the Home page, with the title "NFI" - now I just can't figure it out!

Hi Figleaf, I'm fine - thanks for asking. It's interesting to hear people's differing opinions & advice on this subject, obviously it bothers some and not others. It all depends on how you look at it, I suppose!

Lovecloud my ds might've been a bit hyper as a younger child (btw 3 & 4 yrs old), but I think a lot of it was due to his age and has settled down A LOT since then. Much easier to handle now. I was on roster at his school several times last year and couldn't see any difference in his behaviour compared to the other boys. Obviously some boys (in the minority I think) are 'quieter' and don't seem to move around as much, but most of the boys liked to run around & tackle each other and play superheroes, that kind of thing - and my ds fits more into this category.

When ds had a party in July, every single boy in his class came along, except for one boy who was away at the time. So he had plenty of kids turn up to his own party, including a few cousins and family friends, so we had quite a lot of people there and it was really a successful day. About half the boys in his class last year invited him to their parties, but some of them were a year older than ds (turning 6 instead of 5) and only tended to invite kids who were the same age. So it's really hard to say what the reason is for the 'missed' invitations, and I guess I'll never know. It does hurt a bit even though you know it's not really rational.

Roberta3, I know what you mean about 'those' mums - the policy regarding party invitations at ds' school is they are supposed to be given to the teacher, who discreetly makes sure that they are given to the invited children. But of course there were a couple of mothers who insisted on handing them out at the school gate for everyone to see, which I thought was completely insensitive and hurtful to the kids who weren't included. But there are always SOME who insist on doing things like this, aren't there? .

Yes it is a bit odd. (Strange about the earlier suggestion of a playdate, not so odd that they didn't reciprocate on the party invite front)

Yes it is a bit ridiculous to feel like that (I felt the same!)

No it isn't a reflection of your son's or your loveliness!

We have previously done whole clas parties but this year I asked DD to mane 7 she wanted at her party, I asked her to include 1 boy whos party she had been at recently. I couldn't afford to invite everyone and I hope there aren't parents fretting over not getting invites. I expalined to DD that not everyone can invite everyone so if she misses out invites not to worry, don't pass on your hurt.

Mandy03, I'd feel hurt too. Something similar happened to me a few yrs. ago. I get on v.well with my next door neighbour & our kids play together nearly every day in the hols. On her dds birthday I noticed them coming back from a party. I was so disappointed that my ds hadn't been included that I actually burst into tears on seeing this through my window!(seems bit silly now but I was suffering from depression at time)I made sure my ds didn't know anything about it or see me upset. The thing is if I was having a party then my neighbour's kids would have been top of the invite list. We always give each other birthday presents anyway so I felt she didn't bother to invite my ds as she knew she'd receive a gift from us anyway!(some people are like that) Later on I calmed down & just decided she must have wanted to keep the numbers down. She did share the birthday cake with us so that helped! It didn't affect any of our friendships & when I've had parties since then, I don't feel like I have to invite her dds.

hi mandy,
Yes i agree with you it can be hurtful alot of the post here have said at least he didnt know about the party but you know that will no doubt be on the top of the conversation list on the first day back at school as most kids like to talk about what they did during the school holidays so i just reminded me of a time when i was 11yrs old and my friend had a party and she was handing out the invites at school one day and she said she didnt want he at the party well i was so upset that my cousin who was invited said to her if i (me) wasnt invited that my cousin she wouldnt go and they were best friends so this friend so forced to bring in another invite the next day i think some parents forget that kids also have feelings you know i hope my ds gets invited to heaps of parties as we live in a street no other children and it will be the only chance he'll get to play with other children outside school so like a said i agree with you you might just want to be ready for your little to be upset when he gets home from his first day back because like i said kids talk.`

I have felt hurt on my DD's behalf at her not being invited to parties before as well. However, we always said to her that not being invited to a party is a question of cost/crowd control, not popularity, and she has taken that on board. It felt more of an issue when she was in Reception, where a lot of children (particularly the girls) seem to use parties as a friendship currency even when their party is nowhere on the horizon ("I'm not inviting you to my party", etc), but now that she's in Year Three my DD is very laid back about not being invited to parties. She gets sad to miss out on the treat sometimes (e.g. when one girl took a few friends to see the new Harry Potter film!), but doesn't see it as a reflection of popularity. I think that kind of angst comes later...

HTH

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I feel hurt if my boys notice and seem hurt themselves, I must admit. It's that horrid thing where you see them realising that just because they really like someone it doesn't mean that the feeling is reciprocated to the same extent. Undoubtedly an important life lesson but it still bitter sweet to watch, ime. Mind you the last non invite had me pmsl. It was a little girl named Joy's party and one of my son's huffy response to not receiving an invitation was "Joy, eh? Can't say I've ever noticed any joy in her. Bet her party will be joyless too." Nose out of joint or what?

Mandy I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I think your feelings about this are totally natural. Perhaps it's because my own ds is just a month younger than yours and is also in Y1 that I can relate so well to how you feel. Everyone wants to feel that their child is popular and fits in - frequent party invitations are I guess demonstrable evidence of this!

I think that over time you come to rationalise this issue and a lot of very good points have been made here and I'm sure they've made you feel better about this issue (they certainly have me!).

In my own circumstance, although my DS went to several parties in the reception year, I didn't throw a birthday party for him because his birthday is in late August and we were having a lot of work done at home at the time and I couldn't cope with the extra stress of organising a party so we gave him a day out treat with his cousins instead. In view of this, I expect not to receive so many invitations this year as mothers might think "well he didn't invite my child back in return". I also think that children start to develop special friendships in smaller groups during Y1 and aren't so likely to have invite the whole class along type parties.

I wholehaeartly agree though that the sinking feeling you get when you see other kids brandishing invitations and then realise your child hasn't got one is a real killer. It can often stay with you all day and far beyond! You could not inagine before it happens to you that you could ever take it so personally could you? Hopefully these feelings will abate for us over the years

Thanks all. The worst thing about bumping into the other mum last week, was that my ds was standing nearby and heard what she said about this boy's party. We were at a shopping centre and after I'd said good-bye to the mum & her kids, ds said to me (excitedly), "Mummy we've got to find a birthday present to buy for xxx". He assumed he was going to the party and I had to think of a quick fib to tell him so he didn't know that he hadn't been invited. It made me feel so sad. He would've been SO disappointed and I just hope that none of the other kids say anything to him about it - at least this boy won't be in his class this year, so it might give ds a chance to concentrate more on making some different friends.

I shouldnt wory if your child does not get invited to a party ocasionaly , as long as the children dont notice and are not afected by the exclusion then dont worry! Plus have found that playgyms are expensive to hire and you pay per child and maybe the boy chose not to invite yours- just brush it under the carpet and be the bigger person and invite that boy to your party x

i'm having a party for dd in a few weeks but out of the 26 children in her class i've only let her invite 8 of them because otherwise it would just be far too expensive. I would love to be able to invite the whole class but its just not possibe. i wouldn't take offence, its just one of those things and i'm sure it will happen to every child at least once in their childhoods