Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Feeling a bit crappy about ds not getting a party invitation... has this happened to others?

63 replies

Mandy03 · 03/01/2006 08:59

Hi all. My ds is 5 1/2 and went to several other classmates' parties during the school year, but I bumped into another mum at the shops yesterday and she told me that her ds had been invited to another boy's party back in December (during the Christmas school holidays), and asked whether my ds had gone to the party. I was really quite taken aback as ds didn't even get an invite, when this boy and my ds were in fact quite good friends and played together a lot. I got the impression that not every boy in the class was invited, for all I know it could've even been a very small party, but all the same it made me feel quite annoyed & a bit left out - mainly on ds' behalf. Ds invited this boy to his party back in July, but he was unable to come as he was going on holiday with his family. I would've thought she would return the invitation - or perhaps I am being a bit silly about it.

I know this is probably pretty common but has this happened to your child & how does it make you feel? What irritated me more is that at the beginning of the school holidays, the mother of this boy suggested that we get the boys together for a play one day, and then nothing happened. She knows that my ds really likes her ds, but on the other hand maybe she couldn't invite everyone. It just makes me feel a bit hurt, which is probably crazy because it's just a kid's party! I didn't think the 'school days' would be quite so tedious.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

figleaf · 04/01/2006 11:44

I would and have been upset Mandy. I posted a thread late last year when my oldest wasnt asked to a childs party who he has done parties with since he was 2. I felt it was more about how the mother felt about me that caused the lack of invite - very sad. My son didnt know the party was on so wasnt upset. I only knew as folk who were sure hed been invited rang up to ask to share lifts etc.

When theyre young as yours is, you worry about everything - its understandable and part of being a Mummy. My youngest is in reception now and its only natural to wonder if they mix enough, are they lonely etc. Over the next few weeks I plan to ask a few children over for tea to give my son a chance to mix in a one to one situation. Im a SAHM and I have to say I dont much care if he doesnt get return invites from everyone. As I look on it, I have time that some other mums dont have, I`m sure no slight is intended.

bluedogs · 04/01/2006 12:03

I remember age 7 nobdy turning up to my Birthday Party. I had only invited 4 of my friends and none of them showed - two out of four got struck down by chicken pox.

I had even gone to the effort of making a sailing boat out of a susages and cheese triangles on a sea of beans - my culinary highpoint.

This experience haunted me for years - never had any explanation of why nobody showed (on the day) and much as my Mum tried to reassure me it was nothing personal I didn't have another party until I was 30. This isn't a poor me story - rather I grew into a very sociable, gregarious adult with lots of friends.

I think these events are simply precursors to the adult world. Who is out and who is in. That invites aren't about a straight swap for having been invited previously.

Even at this young age children will be invited becuase they are popular, good value/fun etc not because they threw the last party. Equally sometimes its just an oversight - nothing personal intended. Throw in other factors such as lost invites/cost/space etc and it is a social minefield.

Don't stress about it - easier said than done. I find myself stressing about the politics of the playgroup far more than I ever did about the office. Follow your childs example and forget about it .

marathonmum · 04/01/2006 12:14

My son has a really small class at school(17) so everyone gets invited to all the parties. Maybe if there were 30 in the class people would be more selective. In some ways its nice as noone is left out but we have a party every 3 weeks on average and it gets expensivw and time consuming to keep buying presents!!
Just think you prob saved yourself a tenner by not having to get a card presnt, wrapping paper etc. Which is a good thing this time of year.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

fullmoonfiend · 04/01/2006 12:31

I do know how you feel mandy03. My older son is (according to his teachers) a 'very popular boy' yet he only gets invited to about 4 parties a year. This is largely due to a very large proportion of girls in the class (and they are 8 so nobody wants mixed gender parties anymore ) and the fact that many of the boys' mums just don't 'do' parties. But We've also had a situation where every boy in the class (there are only 9) got invited except him - and he thought he was a good friend of this child's. And my ds knew about the party, so he was very hurt. When his party came he refused to invite this child - tho I tried to persuade him to. Then this other child's mum had a bit of a dig at me in the playground about her ds not being invited! Cheek! You just have to rise above it - I am deffo too old for playground politics. Didn't enjoy it at the time, don't want to get involved with it now

chipmonksRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 04/01/2006 15:52

I used to worry a lot about this! Have now decided its not worth the stress! The other thing to remember is that invites often get lost/misplaced/fall down to the bottom of the schoolbag never to be seen again! Ds1 is so scatty that I'm sure he's missed parties because of this!

snowleopard · 04/01/2006 18:23

bluedogs, oh dear, I'm almost in tears at the thought of your sausage boat going unappreciated!

But I agree Mandy, it's a useful lesson to learn. I was unpopular at school, I was posh in a rough area and academic and stood out like a sore thumb, and I was not invited to everyone's party. However I was to some, I always had a few nice friends and I did learn that it doesn't matter if you are not always top of everyone's list. Even though it is hard at the time, far better to understand and accept this than go through life desperate for everyone to like you - which is offputting. I'm sure your DS's experience is very normal.

cat64 · 04/01/2006 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jac34 · 04/01/2006 21:27

When we had to cut down the numbers coming to our DS's party,I made sure I mentioned to a few Mums before hand,that I was cutting down this year.
I was very aware of how it may offend, DH said "No one is going to ask why their child wasn't invited," but one Mum did. I just had to say I was cutting back & they were only allowed 4 each,completely of their own choosing.

cupcakes · 04/01/2006 21:31

At least he wasn't aware of it. It's much worse when they see invitations being handed out at the school gate and there isn't one for them.

tigermoth · 04/01/2006 23:44

baka, don't stress about the sleepovers - IME, lots my sons friends don't do them. So far, I have only done sleepovers for my oldest son. I started them when he was about 6 simply because his best friend lived an hour's drive away. As my youngest son's friends all live close by, I have not held any sleepovers for him and he hasn't been invited to any.

polly28 · 05/01/2006 00:27

sorry to hijack this thread a bit,but do any of you invite kids to tea that have severe allergies ?

My ds is only three so it hasn't started quite yet but I do have this fear that he will be excuded from playdates and parties because the parents may be scared of.

i may be being paranoid and need reassurance?

TheholyGHOSTY · 05/01/2006 00:49

baka/jj ... I came to a sleepover at your house ... I had a lovely time
But I do see your point ... not sure what to suggest really??? Sorry ... still a wee bit of time to think of a solution.

Re. party invites ... I wouldn't worry about it. My DS doesn't really worry about it ... pleased if he is invited, doesn't question it if not, and if DS does mention someone's birthday party and there has been no invite I just say something cheery like, "Oh really, how nice for him" and so DS can tell it is no big deal. I know that if I made it a big deal he would wonder why he wasn't invited. In fact, on the weekend of his own birthday party there were no other than 4 parties in total (2 on the saturday and 2 on the sunday) and I was really relieved that he wasn't invited to all of them ... by the time the boys came to our party (the last of the 4) there were some very very tired kids there!

Once DS did say, "I wonder why I wasn't invited to Robert's party" and I just said very matter of factly, "I expect he doesn't like you" ... no, only kidding ... I said, "Oh, I think his mummy could only have a certain number, just like we couldn't invite everyone to YOUR party last year, remember?" and he just seemed to take that on board and say OK.

The problem with inviting ALL classmates is that once you have included family children, family friends, pre-school friends and then all classmates too it just gets silly and I think all parents should understand that and not get offended and do what they can to make their children understand that too (if they are that bothered)

I laughed at the earlier post about only a small class of 17 and everyone got invited ... We had 17 boys at DS' party this year and at the end I said "NEVER AGAIN!" 17 kids at a party in NZ is seen as a huge number .... and all my friends thought I was mad ...

TheholyGHOSTY · 05/01/2006 00:59

Polly, DS has two friends who have severe nut allergies (one anaphylactic to tree nuts and allergic to all other nuts and the other anaphylactic to peanuts).
I made a point of making sure there is something for them to have at the party. One of the boys has come to the last 3 birthdays and every year I ring up the mum and tell her the ingredients of the cake and icing and talk to her about what food I will be giving so that she can talk to her son about what he can and can't have. TBH this year was the first year the boys came without their mums and I was a bit worried about it ... but I made sure that there was no chocolate in the cake or on the icing (with nut allergies it is the chocolate that is the danger IME) and had long chats with both mums prior to make sure they were happy for me to offer the boys cake. One of the boys has never been able to eat birthday cake at a party before and was so chuffed this year that he could have some . In the pass the parcel prizes and party bag prizes etc I made sure that they didn't have the chocolate and took lollipops instead. At my friend's suggestion I specifically bought the brand of crisps that don't have traces of nuts in them that she said her son could eat.
At 5 and a half and 6 years old respectively both these boys were aware enough of their allergies to check with me if they were unsure.

HTH ...

maZebraltov · 05/01/2006 03:34

That's happened to my DS, cupcakes.

Polly28: i haven't had a kid with severe allergies (that i knew about) but we have invited muslim kids to DS's birthday party; i saw it as part of my hostess duty to make sure the food we served was (reasonably) halal. I think most parents would be keen to try to help you out if you explained the allergies; presumably you'd still stay to supervise the child's intake when they're under 5yo; might be different if you were trying to demand that everything served at the party was free of their allergens (not always practical, depending what they're allergic to).

Hallgerda · 05/01/2006 08:06

Polly, I haven't had any children with severe allergies over, but that is only because none of my children happen to have friends with severe allergies. I have had a parent with severe allergies over for tea. I'm vegetarian and have no problems with telling parents of my children's friends about my children's dietary requirements, and would not be in the least offended if they did the same to me. It hasn't always gone entirely smoothly - one mother and her extended clique have "cut" me completely over my turning down an invitation to a party in McDonald's six years ago - but in general there isn't a problem.

Baka - I never do sleepovers simply because I do not want to. It really hasn't caused any trouble.

Clary · 05/01/2006 08:12

polly, I have had a milk-allergic child at a party, made sure there were non-choc sweets in the pass the parcel and her party bag, plus made the cake with dairy-free margerine.
Her mum was actually used to taking a plate of her own food to parties. But it was no trouble to make sure things were milk free.
That's a bit easier to police than nuts tho, IME. What is yr ds allergic to?

nightowl · 05/01/2006 09:01

mandy, dont worry about the invite, its probably nothing. when i asked my ds who to invite to his party when he was 5ish he couldnt even remember who his friends were, no doubt i didnt invite someone i should have. or is there any chance at all that your son's invite could have gone somewhere else? by that i mean another child with the same name, we've had that happen before.

and of course, after ds's first party i dont invite any of his school friends now. (his birthday is in the summer holidays so most people are away) some of their mothers sent back "yes" replies and couldnt be arsed to turn up so i still had to pay for them. didnt think i would be doing that again. (and i havent, now he has a party with friends in our street who i know will turn up).

polly28 · 05/01/2006 11:31

thanks for the reassuring replies.

ds is allergic to tree nuts and eggs.we are reslly hoping that he will outgrow the egg allergy before he goes to school,but I'm not getting my hopes up too much as he is severely allergic unlike my dd who did outgrow her egg allergy.

It's really great of people who take his allergy into consideration and I find myself almost overwhelmed with gratitude when it happens.I hope we come across parents as kind as you lot!

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 11:39

polly- ds1 can't have gluten amongst other things. I always take something for him (bit different because I can't leave him at any party so I'm always on hand to supervise). Usually the hostess asks what I would like him to have- if it's ain a pub place I say chips and water (poor child!) and take some extras. If its somewhere where the hostess has to make up food themselves I tell them not to worry-I'll provide the food- his diet is very self limited anyway so it would just be more hassle for them.

True Ghosty- but you didn't mind him climbing into bed with you! DS2 goes on sleepovers at my mum and dads- perhaps I could send his friends there as well (can't send ds1 as their house isn't safe for him).

LIZS · 05/01/2006 11:53

I'm sure it has happened to ds (he only started at the school last term but most of the others have been there for 4 years). It is a bit sad as one I know he missed, right at the beginning of term, was for a boy with whom he is now friendly, but noone was to know that in August/September ! In a way it is quite liberating as I won't feel obliged to invite them all to ds' party and he is at an age (turning 8) when he'd probably only want a smaller group anyway. dd (4) on the other hand seems to have one every other week !!

lovecloud · 05/01/2006 12:03

Im dreading all this!

Parties are hard, dd knows quite a few children but I could not invite them all to her last party as my lounge is not that big!

Her next bday I will take her out somewhere to an adventure park maybe and will have to choose only three - cant afford to pay for more than that.

Im sure its not personal and try to not let it get to you. But if it continues and becomes more obvious then I would look into why?

I am not saying your child is so dont take this personal either but is your boy quite hyper? Maybe other parents may find his behaviour too much to handle? If he is quite full on that maybe a reason and if so you should try to calm him down and invite a few of his friends over with their parenrs to see him on better behaviour.

But if his behaviour is not the problem then I guess it may just be case of parents keeping the size of the groups down.

if it bothers your son then do what someone else suggested and hold a party for him to invite children.

Creole · 05/01/2006 12:32

DS started school in sept, but still has not been invited to any parties, should I be worried then?
He was invited to a halloween party, but we couldn't go!

TinyGang · 05/01/2006 12:51

Rationally speaking it shouldn't matter at all and the wise things said here are true. But since when do we always see things rationally where our children are concerned?

Try not to get too wound up because you can knock yourself out with this. I try now very hard to follow my own advice although even now I still feel a stab if I think dd has been overlooked.

Just to exacerbate the situation, Dd has a friend who gets invited to the opening of an envelope - mind you her mother spends a huge amount of time er, cultivating her social life, shall we say!.

figleaf · 05/01/2006 13:32

How are you feeling now Mandy?

Creole - dont be worried.

roberta3 · 05/01/2006 15:08

With my first DS, now age 7, I stressed and worried if he wasn't invited to a party. It felt almost competitive at the school gates (between the mums NOT kids!) over who was going to which party. Invitations were taken from the book bags by certain mums and waved around the playground for all to see- honestly!

Now I'm on DS number three and how it all changes!!! I want him to have lots of fun like his big brothers but realise he doesn't have to go to EVERY party to achieve this!

Don't tell anyone but I've even been known to arrange days out for the whole family just so I don't have to sit in a grotty play gym all afternoon with the little one at yet another party. It means we all have lots of fun together which is so valuable as kids lives get so busy with football, swimming, etc.

Just chill and enjoy having fun rather than wrapping up another present for a child you don't even know if your child likes who has a mum you probably can't stand either!

Flip

1 2 3