Do you think its ok for grandparents to discipline your DC if you are around?

[want2change]

As it says really - are you happy if grandparents discipline your DC in front of you / if you are in the same room?
Especially if the grandparents dont have a close relationship with DC?

I can't imagine how it would happen anyway, if I or DH were around. They wouldn't dream of jumping in ahead of us, so by default it would be us. I would think them or anyone else very rude if they disciplined either of the DSs when we were there tbh. And I also think it would be confusing for the DSs. If parents are there, they are in charge. If parents aren't there and gp are in charge, fine.

My FIL is always telling my kids off and it makes me cross. He over reacts and calls my DD stupid .

"I can't imagine how it would happen anyway, if I or DH were around. They wouldn't dream of jumping in ahead of us, so by default it would be us. I would think them or anyone else very rude if they disciplined either of the DSs when we were there tbh. And I also think it would be confusing for the DSs. If parents are there, they are in charge. If parents aren't there and gp are in charge, fine."

I think, in some cases, grandparents might find some behaviour more unacceptable than the parents do.

I have a friend whose boys are really naughty in my house and I don't like disciplining them because it isn't up to me, so I asked her to tell them not to jump on my furniture. Her response was "well they are allowed to in my house". I told her that the furniture was really old and might collapse, whereupon she asked them in a very mild voice (a bit like willy Wonka when he asked Augustus Gloop not to go too near the chocolate stream) not to. So 5 seconds later they started jumping on the furniture, so I told them not to in no uncertain terms. They stopped after that

depends. if they're undermining your authority or methods then no. otherwise i would expect my kids to respect their grandparents and that would require some level of discipline from the grandparents.

Lady, This was in the August and about the November, we received a letter from DH's sisters saying they would not speak to us either if we did not apologise to his mum for basically calling her a child beater. DH said we had nothing to apologise for (he wrote a letter back). Honestly, the children did nothing wrong.

We heard nothing... Not a bean. The sister whose children were involved were visiting from abroad where she has lived since her late teens. She said that her mum had been smacking her children the whole three weeks of their stay, but she couldn't say anything as when she came over in the future she would be stuck for somewhere to go.

So, for the last eight years nothing... Then about two months ago, this sister contacted DH and said his mum was in hospital after a stroke (she is 80 next month). DH went to see her. She is as deaf as a post and insisted her hearing aid was switched on. DH tried to talk to her about the incident but he said it was obvious she couldn't hear him. He stayed for 40 mins and went back to work.

He said she has always had a vicious side to her that really only him the abroad sister copped for.

See... Thing is, only us and abroad sister have children.. So the others stook their noses in and commented on stuff that they knew nothing about. DH's BIL said that day "yeah go on, give 'em a smack" . They are not tolerant of children.

and he has not been back to the hospital to see her since, in fact we do not know if she is home or not (she now lives with one if his sisters)

I think it is great if other people who i love and trust discipline my children. I have got friends who will tell my kids off and it doesn't bother me if they are being fair. It is better for children to have lots of people to influence them. Saying that I'm not keen on MIL doing it mainly because I have seen how she ruined her own kids childhoods with her strictness.

stuck

Yes, it is sad Lady.

My parents have never smacked my children although my brother and I were smacked as children. I do not have a problem with my parents telling the boys off.

My intital reaction was "yes" but thinking about it I'm happy for grandparents to do things like ask DS to sit nicely, remind him to say thank you, that kind of stuff. I'm not sure if I'd like them sending him to the naughty step or anything like that but they wouldn't do it if me or DP were around as we would have sorted it first.
My mum, sister or DP's sister are the only ones to have sole care of DS if DP or I aren't around and I'd be happy for any of them to discipline DS as they saw fit. I wouldn't leave DS with anyone who's discipline I didn't trust, which is why my dad will never look after him.

No.

My two dc are absolutely brilliantly well behaved but if I choose not to make an issue of one particular slightly iffy thing they are doing, it is because I am "picking my battles" according to my fairly solid feelings about what is and is not important. So grandparents interfering in that is totally unasseptable to me! Its not as if they are off the rails and need a lot of disciplining.

Depends, really. If we are in their house I'd generally expect them to pull DCs up on expected standards of behaviour, whereas if we are in our house I'd generally not expect it. But then if it's about something like, say, bedtime I'd probably expect them to stay out of it wherever we are while if it's about, say, physical violence I'd probably expect them to speak up wherever we are.

This is all assuming that we're on the same page regarding what "discipline" means. Smacking my children would be a definite No.

yep, they are our parents & love them unconditionally & have their welfare at heart.
In reality what happens is my dad tells them off & then my mum tells my dad off & my dad sulks :)

No not happy at all. Many things about my upbringing were far from ideal and I don't need their hang ups revisiting on my DCs.

It depends. As in spelling out their house rules, yes fine no problem. But sometimes my dad had an infuriating habit of telling them off either the second before I had opened my mouth to do it or immediately after I had finished; it was really like saying to dcs that "of course I don't expect you to pay any attention to what your mother says". I did speak to him about it and I don't think it was intentional, but I found it very irritating. Neither my Mum or my MIL did that; they would only tell them off if either I (or dh) wasn't available or it was something directly affecting them. WHich I was fine with.

My dad also admitted to me openly that he would tell ds alone off when he and his cousins were all doing the same thing, because my db has more of a temper than I do so he was nervous of telling his children off. At this point both I and other family members told him it was unacceptable to single a child out like that- but it took a while for the habit to wear off, he had just got into the habit of only noticing ds' misdemeanours.

thanks for replies - this is dh parents i am talking about - soon to be exdh.
i think the problem is that they dont have a relationship as such with my dc - they chose never to be around on their birthdays, have never phoned them etc - but think it is fine when they do see them (which isnt often) to tell them off and / or make inappropriate comments. Just doesnt feel right.

I can see where you're coming from.

The reason I coped (more or less) with my father's extremely annoying behaviour was that we were very close and his love for dcs was very evident: he was just being a bit of an idiot from time to time.

With that connection lacking things might have looked different.

Though I suppose it might still depend on how your children behave, how effectively you stop any misdemeanour etc. Tbh I wouldn't sit by and watch somebody else's child wreck my living room or worry my pets just because I didn't have a close relationship to them. But I would think twice before trying to correct their table manners.