How do you know when your family is 'complete'?

[sheeplikessleep]

Genuine question. Have two beautiful DSs, 4 and 20 months old, who DH and I adore to bits.
I've always wanted 3 kids, but now I just don't know if I have the patience or juggling skills for another (or whether I can cope with lack of sleep again!). Part of this is because DS2 has always been a very poor sleeper and I'm tired, as is DH.
DH is open to a third, but if it was up to him, would prob stick with two.
I would love three older kids and to be that in the future, I just don't know how / if I have the energy to do the whole newborn / baby thing again.
Financially, we'd be OK for a third.

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase - did you know for definite - that's it, we're done? Or is there always a secret harbouring for another?

Am in almost the same position...although we always planned on 3 and DH is keen for no.3, but DC2 2.2yrs was/is a nightmare sleeper and I just can't imagine going through that again, maybe if I wasn't soooool tired, hmmmm

I had dd3 (9 months ago) and I'm done. Knew I would have liked another child after dd2. Dd2 was a dreadful sleeper, so you have my sympathies, although she turned into a fab sleeper the week dd3 was born , DD1 is just 6, dd2 just turned 4. For the first few months after dd3 was born I thought maybe I'd like one more but that feeling left me and I feel very settled and very lucky. The first 9 months with dd3 have gone in an absolute flash.

I found going from 2-3 much easier than going from 1-2 maybe because there's a bigger age gap.

Thanks for posting.

Spotty - it's difficult isn't it! Trying to think long-term, when day to day is so tiring at the moment, from 5am starts to the day!

Wigglesrock - it's encouraging you found 2 -3 much easier (I've heard others say 1 - 2 was easier than 2 -3 which has also unnerved our original plan!) I want to feel that settled feeling. It's weird, it's unsettling not knowing one way or the other. I know I should just leave it and see how we are in a year, but I like to map things out and know what's happening

I've always seen myself as having two. When I've had two I'll definitely be done! My mum always wanted three but thought she was getting too old to be having more babies at 33 - she still feels sad about it.

I think you just know.

I guess if you just know then there must be another child in the future because at the moment I just don't know.....

We originally thought we could only have one. Then by some miracle (and with the consultant's "never in a million years" still ringing in our ears) we had DD2. At that point we were on a roll, and thought we'd like 4. HOWEVER, within a month of DD3 being born, we realised we go completely loopy, and be rubbish parents if we had any more than the three we already had.

They're gorgeous though, which helps.....

Your very lucky to have the choice; i'd love more dc. If you both want another one then what's stopping you? Make a list of pros and cons. Can you afford it? Sure it will be tough but you know that.

we wnted three - im 3 months pg with dc3. i'll stop after that because i know i am not superwoman. if bringing up kids/ caring for them was easy id have 10 chidren. at least.

DH and I always thought we wanted 4 DC as we both came from sets of three. After the births of both DS1 and DS2 I still felt something within that craved more children, however I had DD1 6 months ago and I just feel, complete I guess. I don't have that craving any more. I think you do just know.

I never thought I'd want three, but just not "done" after two. Although I am a bit sad that I'll never have a newborn again, I knew as I was pg that this was it. As I was pushing her out I had a "phew, won't have to do that again" feeling instead of the "when can I do that again?" one i had before.

I think some people just know when they are "finished". For me it was less clear - after dc2 we knew we wanted another if possible. After dc3 (who was the worst sleeper of them all, incidentally), I would have liked another, but DH won't even entertain the idea. Also I had 3 caesareans so I can see why it might not be a good idea. I feel happy with my 3, but would welcome another if it happened by accident.

Having said that, I find 3 dcs very hard work now they are older. There is so much noise and mess and fighting and competing for attention I do see that life is less chaotic for my friends who have 2 dcs.

Could you have a third once dcs 1 and 2 are at school? I think that would be easier in some ways rather than 3 in 4 years like I did.

I still felt broody after dc4, but forced myself to give away all the baby stuff as she grew out of it. Now they are older, I do feel our family is complete, but for a few years I was in two minds.

thanks all for posting. it's hard some days i think 'we're done, no more', but then other days i think 'ooh, i could just picture another one in the mix', particularly seeing how dc1 and dc2 relationship is developing. i think it's easier when you have that strong feeling either way! i definitely wouldn't have one until ds1 is at school anyway next year, so i think i'll see how we feel then (although will probably be all emotional then with eldest off to school, so may not be the best time!).

good point elfiro. i sort of think it'll be the pre-school years that will be tougher with 3 and once they are dressing/cleaning/feeding themselves, it will all be a lot easier. i guess the challenges change, but the multiplication of work is still the same .

thanks all for posting.

We didn't think we could have children at all so DD was a miracle and would have been happy with just her. However I always saw myself with a girl and then a boy and when DS turned up we were over the moon. We did not want to push our luck as we are older parents so will not try for any more.

The important things to consider are time, money and childcare. I was the eldest of four children (but with big age gaps) and never felt that my parents had enough time for me so would not want to do the same to my children. Despite my parents having the four of us plus foster babies they only look after mine on rare occasions (their only grandchildren) but will do so in an emergency! Inlaws are elderly and live too far away so that is not an option. I feel very strongly about parents spending enough time with the children having lost out on it myself so that is the most important factor. Go with whatever you feel is right.

Good thread. I'm just about to have my third and am trying to persuade myself that 3 is enough. We don't currently have room for no4, although we could extend... What makes it difficult is that dh is one of five, and for him, the more the merrier. I think it's going to be very hard to close the door. I don't think I'll ever look at a newborn and think 'I don't want another'.

I knew I was 'done' after 2 DCs when I went for coffee with my friend and her newborn. I cuddled him while she went to the loo. He is gorgeous but I felt nothing when I did this - no broodiness, longing etc. Always thought I would but didn't. Am happy and complete with my 2 - although I think it helps that I have a boy and a girl and so a 'complete set'. I also think both children would be v jealous to share me even more.

I'm not done. I am done. I flit between the two daily. I have 2 DC's age 3 and 1 and DP has a DC age 2 from a previous relationship. I don't feel like DSS is mine and so I'd love another baby.

I'm young, we don't have enough money, I'm studying and we'd probably need to move house. Plus DP doesn't want more!

I just can't help feeling I'm not done.

Helped me to know dd2 was the last right from the start. I never thought that with ds2 although I didn't think I wanted a third at the time. Does that make sense? So now, I am going, ah, cute, last time I'll do that rather than I wonder...

I just know that I'm done. The thought of having another baby/child just feels wrong. Friends babies are lovely but they don't make me wish for another.

Having pored over every similar thread in the MN archives for about a year I finally knew I was done at two when I became pregnant with no 3. Not recommended!

I would advise spending alot of time with newborns and their parents and seeing how you feel. After DC1 I felt all warm and glowy and nicely envious. By the time DC2 was 18 months I felt a little bit sorry for them. Now I am about to be one of them again and feel a little bit sorry for myself.

I know it will be FINE and DC3 will be adored but do strongly recommend trying to reach a definate decision before conceiving!

doneitthistime it depends how you feel about babies though. I would have another baby tomorrow but I have enough experience now to know that the baby stage is so very short.

My 6yo is still at the totally cute stage but my 10yo is a stroppy madam and my 8yo's behaviour has challenged me more than I thought possible. Also he is having difficulties at school so I have to do a lot of work with him at home which means the other 2 don't get as much attention as they should etc etc....

It is the thought of adding another into that mix which puts me off the idea more than another little baby!

I have one and I feel done.
Never wanted three, maybe two. But somehow this feels like 'us'. I loved having a baby and did feel with some things, like having a baby in bed or the last breastfeed, sad that I wont be doing them again. Its just so cosy and lovely.

But I am glad I feel this way. Our friends are into the second round of pregnancies etc and I do feel relief its not me.

I'm currently pg with dc3, but know this is it for me, I just could not face another pregnancy. Plus I said no more after 40, which I will be 3 months after DC3 is born. Just a personal decision that one, no disrespect intended! And DH is totally adamant that this one is the last too. I'm actually getting sterilised while I have my elcs. Suspect I will always feel a bit moony for another newborn, but we are mentally, physically and financially done with babies!

I always wanted 3 kids. Part of me still does but over the past 2 years I have come to realise that our family (2 children) is complete. It has taken a long time to get to that state of mind but it gets easier every day - the first few months of oscillating should we/shouldn't we was truly hideous.

Even before my first DC was born I knew I would never, ever want another - and I didn't.