child counselling

[lizzie57]

Hi I'm new here but really need some advice. I separated from my partner last year after years of dv and my son, now 9 has had regular contact with his father which I have always tried to encourage. However the relationship between my son and his dad has deteriorated to the point where every time dads weekend or evening comes round he cries, bedwets, has massive anger tantrums, screams at me, begs me not to send him etc. He says he is scared of his dad and his paternal nan and that they shout at him, bully him, his dad hits walls and doesn't play with him etc. We are struggling to get support. solicitors and courts tell me he is my child and i should be able to 'make' him go, social services call it a 'difference' in parenting styles and tell me that his emotional welfare is not their concern. I have been advised to maybe get him some counselling support but even that seems like a minefield. If I pay for counselling (and the counsellor I was reccommended to was excellent, very experienced with children and my son really liked him) my solicitor says it looks 'biased' and so I discontinued it, school (via CAMHS) want dad and I to both agree but a) we dont have any contact other than text because of the dv and b) he thinks counselling is for weak, 'mental' people and I think is worried about what our son might say and counselling through womens aid didnt work because it took place in school which my son wasn't happy about as he felt 'everyone' would know. Has anyone had experience of getting good quality counselling for their child? Also any advice about how to handle the distress and anger every time he has to go on a visit - and could I ask Cafcass for a review on contact?

Hello Lizzie,

Has your Ex made any effort to speak to your son about why he doesn't want to go? You seem to be doing a lot of running about, fair play to you for trying to encourage their relationship. I hope someone replies here with the answer you're looking for.

I'd be quite tempted to keep him home if he felt that strongly about visiting. I don't know what CAFCASS is, is this part of a contact agreement?

No experience of your situation - sorry. But my oldest son had counselling (actually was called play therapy) which was absolutely brilliant. It was related to a bereavement. The counsellor was lovely and I was amazed at what he told her (in the sense that he really opened up to her).

You mention CAMHS in your post but its unclear what your contact with them is, I would think this is the way to go to get your son help. Child and Adolescent mental health services will have a wide range of therapists that can assess and help plan care for him.

To br honest if he dose not want to go I would not make him

Its your exs job to create an enviorment that he wants to come to

I would stop him mothers rarely go to jail for stopping contact intact I don't think its ever happened counselling on the nhs can takes months

I would never force my child to see his bio dad if he didn't want to and to be honest its your job to keep him safe that comes above what

Any judge
Ex
Or grandparent says

Thanks to everyone for responding. staylucky, my son has told his dad he doesn't want to go on a number of occasions but rather than ask why dad just tells him he has no choice until he's 18!! monkeyLFDTwench, the play therapy sounds promising, how did you access it? Duckdodgers - I have not had any contact with CAMHS as yet. My sons headteacher said that my ex and I would have to go into school together to complete the forms etc and as I said because of the dv there is no way I would be in the same room with him and anyway he would never agree. I know I could approach them through my GP but assume the process is the same. Everywhere I try there seems to be a barrier. yesterday he was so upset when I took him to school the head called the First Response team because he told her he didn't want to see dad but their 'response' was that it wasn't a child protection issue so not interested. Has anyone had experience of not making their child go when there is a court order in place?

Ours was arranged through a school contact, the lady we saw also worked privately too. I think you could probably get similar help on the NHS but I'm not sure how long the wait would be.

They just used to play little games, role playing etc and it helped him loosen up and talk about his worries - it was all exceptionally gentle .

Your son may have been left frightened and traumatised by the past DV and may have very frightening memories of his father. And you say that he is scared when he goes there by his father's ongoing angry and unpredictable behaviour to the point where he is wetting the bed, very upset and doing anything to prevent him having to go......
.......remind me, why is it exactly that you think contact with his father is a positive thing, given the above? Why are you still making him go on contact?
Even if there is a court order if the child is being damaged by the contact then that should be grounds for it to stop.

Your child is being emotionally damaged by this contact.....seriously.
You need to listen to what he is saying and stop making him go if he does not want to.
Counselling is not going to sort this out. Something is very wrong here - if a child does not want contact with a parent there is always a damned good reason why. I would not be surprised if there is more going on than your son has been able to disclose yet.

Get back to caffcass and tell them exactly what is going on and how unhappy your son is. Tell them that he is coming to emotional and psychological damage because of this contact. Go to a solicitor and get them on the case too. Do all you can to sort this out - I really worry for your son's emotional wellbeing. If you had the funds you could privately pay for a psychologist report that might identify if your son has experienced past trauma from the DV and whether he is still being traumatised by the contact.
A CAMHS referral would be a good idea and maybe your son will open up to a CAMHS worker, but it will not alleviate the basic problem that there is something about contact that your son is very very unhappy with.

You can request a CAMHS referral via your GP. It does not need your ex husband to be there or to sign any forms. It only needs one parent to request it; I don't know why the school says it needs both of you.

Sorry if my first post was a bit heavy handed - I'm not meaning to be critical of you...I'm just concerned for your son. I worry that he is at risk of future emotional and mental health problems if this contact is allowed to continue like this, with him so unhappy.

CAMHS in many areas do not have waiting lists, in some they do (just for your info)

Please read this article by women's aid

Me again (sorry) - here is a useful guide to contact and DV which talks about going back to court to request changes in contact arrangements - here

Thanks Selks, I understand your concern, it is my sons emotional and mental health which are worrying me, I just haven't found magistrates very understanding even to the point of ignoring Cafcass recommendations and I want to make sure that I get it right for my son's sake so that he doesn't have to keep going through this. I agree with you that there is more going on than he is saying which is why I thought counselling might help him to open up. It seems like that at 9 he is on one hand supposed to be old enough to explain his feelings but on the other not old enough to have them listened to when he does.

Yes you're right, he might open up to a counsellor. Do go for the CAMHS referral if that is what you want to do.
I hope you manage to get things sorted. Wishing you and him all the best.