Please help me reassure ds

[LuigiB]

Ds (4) has just started school and is having trouble making friends. Before starting school he was in nursery and had a good group of friends.

He is a sensitive soul, quite a gentle boy and is not into the usual rough and tumble at all.

I had a conversation today where I asked him who he played with at lunch and he said "No-one, I always ask everyone to play with me but nobody will and it's because I'm ugly"

I know this is probably not a major thing and I am probably being a bit too emotional about it all but I was bullied quite badly at school so it has touched a raw nerve.

So far I have cuddled him and reassured him that he is not ugly and that we are here for him and are his friends. But I don't really know what else to say, and should I talk to his teacher?

Thanks for taking the time to read...

I have no experience as have younger children but wanted to answer. Perhaps if he can make one friend it will all flow from there. Is there anyone you can invite for dinner or to play? Are there any out of school activities where he might meet children from his school and have a chance to bond.

I think I would mention something to the teacher to see if they can help him to settle in. I am sure it is important to the school that each child settles in and makes friends with their peers. You never know he might be fibbing and have lots of friends. Hopefully someone wit more experience will be able to advise or you could always try the primary school section. Best wishes.

I would set up a meeting with the teacher. Explain that your son is not settling in well, tell them what he said and ask what can be done to help.

Is he the only one from his nursery at the school?

I would suggest playdates too. Have you made friends with any of the other mums? This can help too.

It's heartbreaking when your children seem unhappy at school but I've learned that children don't necessarily carry that problem around with them like we do. He's likely to be upset in the moment but move on.

Also, are you sure that others don't play with him and that this is a regular occurence? If not, ask the teachers to confirm. It's possible that this happened once and he's exaggerated the problem. Not deliberately, of course, just because that's how he feels right now.

I guess I'm just saying - deal with what the problem is, not what you worry it might become.

Hope my last post didn't sound unsympathetic. I have a sensitive DS too (also shy, especially when he was 4!), who joined a school where most of the others had been at nursery together.

At times, DS would tell me that he hated playtime and so on. And to be honest, he would have been happier reading a book than trying to join in football. But once I got involved with the PTA and would occasionally be around the school in the day and therefore able to spy on him, I could see that he was actually perfectly OK.

Hope things work out OK and it does turn out to be a flash in the pan, rather than an ongoing problem.

Hi OP I feel for you. My son too is a rather sensitive little soul and has on occasions told me that nobody wants to be his friend. I spoke to his teacher to see how he was fitting in and explained that he is shy with children his own age and was a bit worried. She told me he actually had a nice couple of friends and was very happy and confident at school.

I would definitely go and speak to his teacher.

Thank you for your replies.

ds is the only one from his nursery going to that school and I think most of the other children went to the same nursery so that could be a lot of the problem.

We had one family over for dinner - the boy was really excited to see ds and they played together quite happily and then apparently the next day this boy ignored him again. Ds also went trick-or-treating with another boy with the same result the next day.

I am going to have a word with the teacher - ds does tend to exaggerate things a bit - but it just makes me feel sad to think he might be wandering around lonely.

Thanks again

Good luck with the teacher chat. It sounds like you're doing the right things, so keep going. It's still very early days...

How did the teacher chat go OP? My DS was also the only one from his pre-school in his class. I do know that my DS also exaggerates and yesterday was one of those days when he told me that one of his friends didnt want to be his friend again. This morning they were playing very happily in the playground before school began!