Terrible Twos Survival Tips??

[reallydeepthoughts]

My dd is 2 and is a lovely, beautiful, funny, intelligent little girl

Having said all that, she is also an absolute nightmare. She shrieks and cries and whines and moans all the time. I find it so hard to keep my temper and end up yelling at her a lot and then feel really guilty afterwards. I have an 8mo ds so I am quite tired too.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice??

Most of the time I ignored the tantrums to the point of stepping over DS if he was lying on the floor creating about something ridiculous and walking off whistling. Tantrums are no fun, apparently, if you don't have a concerned-looking audience wringing their hands or getting cross on the sidelines :) In extremis he would be removed to another room in silence and left to yell in there. Other times I found I could preempt a tantrum by offering a choice on things that didn't matter... colour of t-shirt, filling in lunchtime sandwich, type of game etc. Another tactic for unimportant disagreements (like whether the picture in the book of a donkey is a horse - v emotive) was to reply 'you know best' rather than attempt to win an argument. Refusals to wear coats & wellies in bad weather were solved once he walked out the door & froze or got wet. Big praise for being helpful, cooperative, kind etc. obviously.

That whittled the genuinely important battles down to very few and I take the view that I'm the grown-up therefore I win

In your case, I'd suggest that, because the baby is taking up your time and energy, your DD is resorting to dirty tactics to get some attention. So setting aside one-on-one time with her, reassuring her that she's special, and doing nice things together while baby is taking a nap might help most.

It might be the tiredness making it seem worse than it is and harder to deal with.

Is she hungry, tired or want attention because there's a baby? Can you distract or head off the worst of it? How much time do you get out of the house - eg go to the park and let her potter about amongst the leaves and acorns. I usually go out when DS strts grumbling.

Thank you both for your replies :)

I think trying to head off most of the tantrums before they start is the best idea. Tho she gets way more attention than ds as he's pretty easy going (thank goodness). Although it may not seem that way to her I suppose.

I guess she doesn't spend enough time outdoors and that would prob make a big difference if she got more fresh air. It rains a lot here tho in my defense!!

She seems to be dropping her nap so she could just be adjusting and ds gets up at 5.30 so I'm tired too. I just find it hard to understand her little mind and why she disagrees with everything - she even argues with the tv

Try getting one of those Togz all in one rainsuit thingys - especially the ones with a fleece liner. DD practically lives in hers. We were the only ones outside at the stay-and-play today and she had a ball.

Tiredness and hunger are two prime tantrum-danger-zones, so head them off at the pass if you can. But do remember that two is really still very small - she has small reserves and little self-control. If tantrums are Little Nero jobs then I agree with CES but distress-tantrums shouldn't be left. Picking your battles is good advice too, and encouraging independence so she can do more stuff for herself.

Hi there,

I have a 2 year old dd who has recently gone through a 'drive me crazy' phase too. Here's what I experienced / found helped.

Personally, I found getting out in the morning a nightmare battle! Everything from getting dressed, to brushing teeth, getting shoes on, coming down stairs etc etc was a total battle.

Getting dressed: now I make sure I do it before breakfast as mainly it means DH is around to offer a bit of support - often it's enough for him to take her to one side and talk to her. I think this calms her down and stops me from getting 'cross' so a win win there.

As for battling with teeth / shoes etc etc DH said to try asking her 'what do we need to do next?'. I tried this twice: once it worked - she told me and co-operated, but then on the second use she told me, but said 'in a minute' which isn't very helpful when you're in a rush.

What I found really useful is to do all of above in one swoop. I.e. once I have her co-operation to do teeth I no longer go off and do something else, but focus on getting her completely ready and only then do whatever else I need to do.

Just before heading out, she would often say 'not want go group' for example. DH has said to say ok etc and then she would change her mind and again I used this once and it worked. The I say black, she says white scenario I guess.

Re the shouting / crying. After the obvious reasoning with her, I would then try either ' go in the other room if you want to cry' and she would either stop or go in the other room and cry for a minute before finding something more interesting to do. Or I would say, 'do you want to go to bed' and with her response of 'no' I would say well stop crying then and after a couple of seconds reinforcing this statement she would stop. I don't like using this latter one though cos I don't want her to associate sleep with a negative connotation, but I have used it out of desperation occasionally.

Do you find that you anticipate her tantrums which puts you on edge before anything has happened? I was and think this negativity was coming across a bit. It's hard, but I tried to go into things more optimistic and with a smile on my face which I do think helped when I managed it.

My DS is too dropping her daytime nap but not really coping with it. She used to nap for 2 hours every day, but now only has one more like every other day i.e. tiring herself out one day and making up for it the next. Someone suggested to try waking her after one hour in the hope she will sleep for one hour every day, but I haven't tried this as think it's a bit risky, but it might be something you would like to try?

Luckily this phase is pretty much gone- or easier to manage (not sure), but I'm under no illusion that she will try me again soon - especially as I have baby number 2 joining us soon! I hope some of what I've shared helps. Good luck.

It's also worth remembering that things like 'getting ready to go out' aren't just a thing-you-have-to-do-before-you-can-do-another-thing to a toddler. Getting dressed is as much of an activity as playing with dolls or playdoh. It's not just a tedious chore that needs to be got over with as soon as possible like it is to an adult. Try to avoid situations where you need to get out of the house by a particular time and you don't have long to faff - make it a game for your toddler. "Would you like to wear this top or this one?" "Do these trousers fit dolly? No? Do they fit you?"

Nearly everything can be an activity in its own right - if you don't regard things as tasks-to-be-achieved you'll get rid of a huge amount of non-co-operation at a stroke. Toddlers aren't deliberately unco-operative, they just don't understand why a particular thing has to be done, and especially why it has to be done in a hurry. They're not deliberately contrary, in fact they're usually delighted to do something that makes mummy happy. I know it doesn't seem that way sometimes but a change of attitude can make a real difference.

Yy agree re getting dressed. Ive found that DS likes getting dressed in front of a mirror. He also is happy to brush his teeth if we do it together, not if I descend on him with a brush!

Lots of warning and pre-explanation about what is happening, especially if there is a change to what she will be expecting.

Try to leave plenty of time for things like getting out of the house in the mornings - don't expect them to be ready in 15 minutes! Try an hour, then if they are ready in 15 minutes, you can relax.

If you catch yourself shouting try to stop and apologise, especially if she's asking you to stop shouting. If you listen to her, she is more likely to listen to you. Use positive direction now she's old enough to understand more words- so instead of "Stop shouting/whining" you can say "talk nicely" and instead of "Don't touch that" "Come and touch this" etc etc. Tell her what you want her to do, and if she doesn't understand, show her.

Asking her to talk nicely is fine but I don't agree with telling children to stop crying. Sorry but even if it's fake crying, they're entitled to be upset.

Don't be afraid to offer cuddles. A cuddle is not a reward. It is just a cuddle, and sometimes it's what you both need.

Let her "join in" with whatever tasks you're doing, as long as it's safe. It might take twice as long and make a mess in the process, but she'll be learning that cleaning up is everyone's responsibility, not just Mummy's. I found this was easier at 2 than it is at 3! But DS shares loads of stuff - washing he can put from the basket into the machine or vice versa, and he tries to hang it on the airer. When I clean the bathroom he stands on his step and washes the sink with washing up liquid and warm water (not sure I'd want anything harsher on his skin). We tidy up together - that one's easy. He's scared of the hoover though! Washing up he doesn't tend to do but that's DP's job generally.

Enjoy it I love toddlers!

Also. Go to bed early.

What Bertie said.

Thank you so much for all your replies :)

We have been out in the fresh air all weekend and dd has been in great spirits. I also tried making getting dressed / coat on etc into a game and it really works!

I wanted to add that I have a lovely relationship with dd and she is very affectionate and happy ( was worried I had come across as an ogre )

Also meant to add bertie thanks for the comment re giving her a hug as I do sometimes worry that if she is upset after being told off and asks for a hug that I shouldn't do it. I always do hug her but worried that I was doing the wrong thing

lozwp you have totally described my dd!

Sorry I read all the replies a while ago and am just getting a chance to type now so forgot what everyone wrote

Really glad things have been easier for you! One of the best things about toddlers is that when you change something you get a pretty much instantaneous change from them too!