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Original poster

anxious about future of being a stepparent

8 replies

robina63 · 08/11/2011 15:41

Hi - am new to all this..

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years - he has a 5 year old daughter who is lovely. He is a coparent and he and his ex have shared access. He now would like us to move in together and be a family - he currently rents - i own my own home - so it would make sense for them to move in with me as i have a bigger place - but i dont have children and the thought of actually living with dad and daughter in my home makes me anxious. I dont always agree with the way she behaves - she very much rules the roost in her dads home. At present they share a bedroom in his appartment(its a large place) but i feel uncomfortable staying over in the same room. His ex has never been very friendly with me and i often feel that i fit in with all their arrangements..and i often get cross with how she behaves with my partner as i often feel she takes him for granted as he feels incredibly guilty that his daughter has parents who arent together. (For info it was his ex that left him after having an affair). There is often some sort of drama going on with her which my ex tries to help her out with. Anyway..I have been fretting about whether i am strong enough to commit to this relationship ...am i biting off more than i can chew..so many threads from step parents i have read have said if they know now what they did then - they would never have got involved with a man with children.!!.if im having anxieties now - will they go away or get worse before i find some peace and harmony?! Would love to be able to relax and go with the flow - but if im honest - im actually quite frightened. Advice needed!

OP posts:

Original poster

robina63 · 08/11/2011 15:43

Hi - am new to all this..

OP posts:

glasscompletelybroken · 08/11/2011 15:48

I could have written your post. My DH and his ex have a shared parenting arrangement and his dc's live with us half the time. My DH does a LOT of running around for his ex and will generally do anything to keep her happy and the same applies to the kids.

I don't know if you can cope with it - I don't know if I can and I'm 5 years in. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have been through some traumas of my own but had never had counselling until I started down this particular road.

If you are able to accept never coming first and biting your tongue all the time over parenting issues then you should be fine. If she's ruling the roost at 5 it can only get worse unles he does something about it now.

Good luck!

Hassled · 08/11/2011 15:54

All I can advise is that you take your time. If you don't feel ready, you don't feel ready - it is a huge step and of course if it does go tits up it won't just be about you and your DP, a little girl's life will be messed around as well. So you do have to be a lot more sure than you seem.

I'd imagine part of it is them moving in to a house you own and have lived in on your own - does that feel like an invasion of your personal space? Would it be easier to make the commitment if you were starting afresh elsewhere, do you think?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/11/2011 16:55

I think your fear, the way you describe it, is that you don't think your partner puts you first in his life. His daughter is clearly first and your opinion doesn't sound like it counts when it comes to her behaviour or the sleeping arrangements. His ex appears to take second place in taking up his time, even if that's just by being demanding or mucking him around. And you sound like you're currently coming in a poor third, except presumably when the ex and the daughter aren't around.

So if you could have your partner 100% without the ex and the daughter, I'm guessing that would work really well. (?) But, as that's not going to happen, this is when you need to talk about where you fit in, why you need to be further up in his priorities, what your role will be in relation to the daughter... and it has to be shared parenting or it doesn't work... and how he has to stand up more for himself and for you with the ex. Her fitting in more with you rather than it being so one-sided. I'd say those were the basics you'd need to start feeling this you were creating a family of your own, rather than just moving in with someone else's

chattymama · 08/11/2011 22:47

I totally agree with the above thread! Communication is the key and ground rules (no undermining you/making you look stupid in front of the child. I've been with my husband for 4 years and he has 2 children from a previous marriage (he's also 19 years older than me). For the first 3 years of our relationship his ex totally called all the shots, it was the most stressful thing i've ever been through and i'm not sure i'd have the strength to do it again. I've made my husband man up a bit and slowly he's started to stand up to his ex.
Having said that.......Since we got married and had our own baby i'm so happy and it's easy to forget all the rubbish i put up with in the beginning. I think for me, it was meant to be. I don't know how i didn't walk away. His girls don't live with us but i'm prepared to look after them (as if my own) if anything ever happened to his ex. Taking on "baggage" is difficult but love knows no bounds, i'd have walked over hot coals to be with him and i got my reward in the end.
GOOD LUCK X

Tryharder · 09/11/2011 00:40

I don't think you should move in together if you are feeling this way. You make no mention of your relationship with your DP's daughter - your only emotion seems to be one of dislike that she "rules the roost". Kids generally do rule the roost in most households - I suspect that this little girl is a perfectly normal child but you - as a non-parent - have little tolerance for kids.

I think you should find someone who doesn't have kids and then you will have their full attention rather than being sidelined all the time. I certainly wouldn't judge you for wanting that.

Additionally, this little girl also does not deserve to have to live in your house with a stepmum who doesn't really want her there.

glasscompletelybroken · 09/11/2011 08:43

Tryharder I have re-read the OP's post and nowhere can I see that she has said she has little tolerance for children, dislikes her DP's dd or doesn't want her there.

The OP is just expressing her understandable anxiety about what she is getting into.

I am a step-mum and also a mum to 4 dc's of my own but I am pretty intolerant of "ruling the roost" behaviour in general and don't agree at all that this is what happens in most households. Sure the children are immeasurably important and loved but they don't get to call the shots and have the grown-ups running round like headless chickens trying to keep them entertained all the time.

Most step-mums are not asking for the full attention of their DP's - just not to be always the last on the list. You can say that women who get involved with men with children know what they are getting into and should accept it and get on with it, but shouldn't the men with children have some responsibility for making it work too? If they don't have room for an equal partner and don't want to make room then they should advertise for a housekeeper and keep all their love and attention for the kids.

It's not good for children to be treated so preciously all the time and made to feel that their needs are always the most important. Children need to learn from an early age to condsider other people and it is a sadly common factor in step-families that the guilt of the parents means this never happens.

I know where I stand in our house and it's not comfortable. I don't want to be first all the time but can't I be occasionally? What about when it's my birthday, or I've had some bad news, or good news, or am just not very well? Is it OK for the step-kids to still take priority in every minute of the day? What is that teaching them?

matana · 09/11/2011 11:04

OP, you may be better posting this on the step parenting forum, otherwise you'll either not get the amount of response you'd like or you'll get replies from people who are not in a similar position and could therefore make ill informed judgements of you and your situation.

I too am a step parent (and a parent) and understand your anxiety, though i have to admit that once i met my then DP (now DH) and knew his situation i knew i just had to get on with it and make it work. The alternative was to split up with him and i knew i loved him too much to even contemplate this. It was the best decision i made and while it hasn't been easy, i think it gave me the perspective to get through the harder times.

Maybe lay down some ground rules seeing as it's your house. In any parent/ child relationship, regardless of whether they're step children or your own, you cannot afford to undermine each other and should definitely agree on the basics. To do anything other than that is a recipe for disaster.

Good luck and i hope you get some good advice.

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