Hope this is the right place to post ... friend's parent involving themself in our children's argument

[thepollydoll]

My 7yo son was playing with a friend ... it was one of those days where they were constantly bickering with each other/being mean to each other. I try not to get involved in kids arguments. I was witness to a lot of the bickering and the boys are both as bad as each other. When friend came in to tell on son for calling him a name I told my son he was being very unkind and asked him to say sorry but friend was not happy and went home. Son and I spoke about being kind blah blah. Shortly after my son wanted to go round with sweets and apologise which, of course, I let him do. Two mins later he was back distraught. Friend's father told him he was not welcome back there for the rest of the weekend.
In my opinion, friend's father has totally over-reacted. It has really upset me that he would allow any child to leave his doorstep in such a distressed state and it appears to me that he was punishing my son for an event that he wasn't even witness to. The boys fall in and out with each other every 5 mins, as they do at that age ! Shouldn't it be up to the boys to sort their differences rather than a parent taking sides and stopping them from playing together ?
And, do I mention my feelings to the parents ?

BTW, the name was "stinkyhead" !!

I think it was unfair of the father to inflict this punishment on your son, without also mentioning it to you. Your son also apologised twice, once after the incident and also when he went around with the sweets.

Perhaps have a friendly word with the mum at a convenient time. Apologise again fr your son's actions, but also mention that if your son is being banned, then to tell you first ( with the reason), as your son was upset when he found out.

I think the father was being massively unreasonable - when a child has come to apologise it's graceless and immature to refuse to forgive them. It is not a good example to set - when someone is genuinely contrite that should be the end of it.

Thanks for the replies.

A friendly word with the mum was what I planned for tomorrow so hopefully it will go well, thank you for your advice pchick - I particularly like the part about letting me know if he plans to ban my son (although my viewpoint is that the punishment was excessive for the "crime").

octaviapink, thanks for your comment I'm relieved to see that I am not being unreasonable for feeling the way I do about it. It's the reason I posted on here as I planned to have a chat with the mum at school tomorrow but wanted some other viewpoints before I did so.

crikey!

you don't sound unreasonable at all.

But I would rate the chances of the other boy having said "DS called me stinkyhead" and then the father saying "well he's not welcome in this house" as zero.

Something much more serious has either (i) happened or (ii) the other little boy has spun a bit of a yarn perhaps without realising his dad would take it so seriously.

So if you are really planning to talk to the mum (brave, some would say foolhardy), your mission is to find out what has been reported.

Alternatively, the father is a complete nutter - totally inappropriate behaviour (so nutty that I think you'd have had precedents, that's why I think he's heard a different story).

good luck! Ooh, in fact I see it's the day you planned to talk to her already.... do tell all!

Hi lingle :)

I believe it is more likely ii) has happened. The boys have known each other the best part of four years and they are best of friends but just have these little hiccups from time to time and it most definitely works both ways. However, if friend's dad had thought something more serious had happened then I think he should have spoken with me about it. It happened at my house and he was not witness to what happened (nor me, fully). I have often had to pick up the pieces when DS comes in devastated over something he says boy has done/said. But, I try to be an objective parent and realise there are two sides to every story and I would not "banish" any child from calling round to my house on the basis of a one-sided - likely biased - account of what went on.

If I felt that strongly that something terrible/serious had happened then I would want to sit and discuss it with the other family.

Whilst this is the first time my DS has been upset so severely by him, it's not the first time that he's mentioned comments that have been made at his house and there are other things that have happened in past not involving my DS so I won't go into them.

Anyway ... I intended to speak to mum today but dad was there too and I bottled it !!! In the grand scheme of things, it's done and dusted. I saw the boys together at school today best of buds as always and it's how they feel that's important, not how I feel.

If something similar happens again then I will mention it but for now I think I'm over it !!

thanks everyone for your comments :)

least said soonest mended!

wise words lingle ... but I couldn't help myself yesterday. When it was just the mum and me I brought it up - friendly and conversational.

All that had been reported was DS wouldn't allow him on trampoline and called him a name. Friend's DF came to door with friend and said "You are banned from this house for the rest of the weekend" but the reason for it was that the boys had been arguing and they felt the boys needed a break from one another.

I said that wanting a break was fair enough but the way it was put made my DS feel like he was being punished and I said that that was unfair as not only had he apologised but the bickering that had been going on throughout the day was not one-sided but both boys were as bad as each other.

She seemed to accept that and we carried on talking as normal :)