Help me stop him screaming PLEASE!

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

DS is 12 weeks old & for as long as I can remember (at least 6 weeks) he has screamed (& I mean SCREAMED!) for at least an hour before bed. We've tried everything we can think of - cuddles, lullabies, rocking, various iPhone apps, calpol (in case he was ill), a routine (bath-feed-bed and feed-bath-bed, neither worked), no routine (chilling out with us in front of telly), a book, a walk in the sling, the five Ss... Nothing works.

As you can imagine, DP and I are exhausted and it's leading us to argue - partly because we're knackered and partly because we disagree about what to do (he thinks we should just leave him to cry, I think we need to stay with him)

Does anyone have any tips or ideas?

The first thing I would suggest is moving your whole bed time routine forward another half to one hour. He sounds over tired and over stimulated.

Does that sound like a possibility?

Does he nap during the day? could he be over tired?

Is he able to self settle at any other time?

Burped?

Also - with mine at that age, I bathed them in the morning because it was just too much for them at the end of the day.

12 weeks is very small. It is a phase and it will pass.

Infacol?

Cranial Osteopath?

I wouldn't bother with a bath, or a routine - they're too young to learn a routine at that age. What time's his bedtime? If it's been going on for a few weeks it could be colic, in which case the end is in sight! Does feeding-like-mad settle him? Both mine have been nuts eaters in the evening - feeding every 20 minutes for about three hours at that age.

You're right about the leaving-to-cry, by the way - it is actively harmful to a baby's brain. Stopping the crying isn't the important part - trying to stop it is. It's the being-left that does the damage. Your baby needs to know you are there for him. Your DP might want to read What Every Parent Needs To Know (a book which frankly the NHS ought to give out at birth as it's got all the latest research in it not filtered through shock-journalism in the Sunday paper)

Thank you. I appreciate your replies& will try to answer your questions.

He naps pretty well (usually two or three 45 min naps and one longer one) There are normally a few whimpers before he drops off during the day but he can self settle & i try very hard to put him down when he's still awake (usually only just awake, but awake) This doesn't work at night as he gets so upset.

We've already moved the bath to earlier in the day as he loves it so much & gets too excited.

We started trying to put him to bed before 5 tonight & the screaming didn't stop until 7 so moving bedtime earlier doesn't feel like an option (as we seem to have no control over when bedtime will actually be!)

The least 'screamy' nights have been those where we haven't done anything routine-like, just kept him in living room with us & allowed him to drop off while feeding, but this doesn't feel very sustainable and when, like tonight, he seems tired at 5ish, we're not sure whether he wants a nap (which he settle reasonably well for) or a full sleep.

We tried infacol weeks ago & couldn't get it down him (ebf so wasn't happy with something else being put in his mouth!) however he's recently taken infant gaviscon & calpol so maybe he'll be more receptive to that now. I'll give it another go!

I'll also look into a cranial osteopath.

Argh, sorry if it feels like I'm dismissing a lot of these ideas. I just feel like we've tried so much and our little boy is still so stressed / angry / upset. I would do anything for him and feel like I'm letting him down so much. I should be able to calm him down & comfort him but I can't work out how to.

Forget a bedtime routine. Make the afternoons as boring as possible for him - keep him in a sling or take him for a walk, no toys, no play etc etc.

You can introduce a routine when he's a little older, say 4-5 months. DS could not handle one at that age. You dont need to bathe your baby - a quick swish with flannel and bit of water is enough.

Also (don't shoot me) have a look at the gina ford timings for naps, especially the last one because I found that timing worked pretty well for the last PM nap before bed - if we napped too late, bedtime was a disaster. From memory it was a nap no later than 4-4.30 and bedtime feed was starting at 6.

Forget the self settling at bedtime - try feeding in a low lit room (have some headphones to keep you entertained) then put down.

Babies at this age go through a growth spurt an developmental leap making it harder for them to switch off so you need to really calm things down.

Don't beat yourself up if you don't seem to be able to 'fix' him - what matters is that you are trying! At this age keeping him downstairs with you in the evening is perfectly normal - don't worry that it's not sustainable, you won't have to sustain it. He WILL get comfortable with being apart from you in the evenings. My DH would tell you about the weeks and weeks he spent on his feet in the living room in the evenings rocking DD while we watched Simpsons DVDs. By about 4 months she was happy to go to sleep upstairs in her nest.

He may want that nap at 5ish. Both my DCs had a nap at around 5pm until about 7 months - at 12 weeks it was pretty much awake for 90 minutes then asleep for 45 all day.

Also we found that the screaming stopped very quickly if we stuck DS in the sling, gave him a dummy and went for a walk (was usually when it was dark). He'd fall asleep in about 10-15 mins. Don't worry about habits - he's 2 and we don't do it now!! In fact the screaming fits stopped around 3-4 months (he had reflux - I don't think they were reflux related, def happened when overtired as I'd see a pattern if he'd had a busy day when the GPs tried too hard to "play" with him).

have you tried jut feeding him?

My little boy did this up until last week. We just took it in turns to walk the living room with over our shoulder (his favourite place!) rubbing his back to try to stop him getting too hysterical. It got to the point that once we heard the hysterical scream we knew sleep was only 10 mins away because all of a sudden he just fell asleep! we had this before daytime naps too! oh and he wasn't going to bed until at least 10 a we started winding down for bed at 6!

I was worried that he would never be able to soothe himself but all of a sudden One afternoon he just fell asleep on the sofa! He still has odd days where we get the crying but if it goes on longer than 20mins I put him under his play gym to distract him. Soon as he starts rubbing his eyes and yawning I pick him up give him a cuddle and take him up to his cot. After about 5 mins of arm thrashing (but no crying) he falls asleep. He is 11 weeks old now and is in bed by 8.

Don't know if any of this helps you but may be worth a try. If anything I hope it will give you some hope that he will sort himself out and you just have to go with it and be patient. I know how hard it is though. X

I also agree with thisisyesterday - every now and again he would be crying cos he was hungry again - even if he had only just eaten. Worth trying x

12 weeks is so little - I think we still put DD down in the moses basket with us in front of the telly at that stage (after letting her fall asleep bf-ing). She went through a looong phase of being very unsettled from late afternoon till mid-evening. The only thing I could do with her was pace around the house, dancing and singing to her like a loon! It's hard hard work - feel for you OP! But it does pass - eventually (DD was a lot better at bedtime by 4 months)

Oh and I agree with Iggly - try not to let them nap later than 4.30.

Oh OP feeling your pain DS1 was like this (we were discussing it today as DS2 5 weeks is much calmer! so far...), with DS1 the only thing that would settle him would be to lay him across my lap on a cushion and bounce legs gently and pat back whilst shushhing him loudly!

Right... No playing in the afternoon, check nap times, try infacol & cranial osteopath, keep reminding myself I'm not a crap mum... Does that sound like the best plan?

As for the other suggestions .. Walking in the sling does work, but we're up in the Lakes this week on a road with no lighting & it's FREEZING so we couldn't do it tonight! Feeding works once he settles enough to stay on, but he gets so wound up that he often can't/won't feed & I feel I'm stressing him out more when I offer him the breast.

I do think he's going through a growth spurt at the moment (he's waking me for food A LOT at night) but the screaming has been going on for weeks so I don't think they're linked.

Thank you again. Do let me know if you have any more words of wisdom / reassurance.

The early evenings were always quite stressful - we used to go outside and sit on the wall to wait for DH to come home if I couldn't get DD to nap. Showing her round the house was always a good one too - she just liked being talked to.

Cross posted with loads of you (on iPhone so slow typing!!)

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's reassuring!

Sometimes dads, who have been out all day, tend to want to play and entertain the baby when they come home. Not really a good thing in the evening, when a very quiet approach is often better.

Do you think overstimulation might be the problem?

both of mine did this until about 14 weeks
we drove ourselves mad trying everything with dd1 and nothing worked

with dd2 we got a bit zen, and just sort of accepted that she would scream for a couple of hours in the evening. We settled down with her on our shoulders in the sitting room, with soft lighting, and the telly on very quietly. we'd put her down when she stopped, normally about 8.30-9ish.

after about 14 weeks it all stopped, we could put her down at 7pm, and had our evening back.

If the sling works could you use it indoors? I use to put dd2 in and sway infront of the telly. I had to be moving though, it didn't work if I sat down.

My DD is now 18 weeks and until 14 weeks she was dreadful between 5 and 8.30 every night. We used to call it 'the witching hour'. In the end we just accepted it, took turns eating dinner, walking her around the house, taking her out in the pram/car and basically doing whatever we could to stay sane knowing all would eventually be well because of the Mumsnet Mantras - 'this,too, shall pass' and 'it's only a phase.' :)

We also kept her down in the living room with us in her Moses basket in the evening, even when she finally fell asleep and would just take her up to bed with us when we went. I tried to get us into a loose routine early on, with bath and bedtime, but in the end it made no difference to the howling. DH and I had some awful rows about how to deal with it, but in the end we felt we had to unite in the face of the common enemy! We used to look at each other and, over the screams, ask, 'Where are you at the moment?' The other person, usually wrestling a red faced, screeching child, then had to reply with a description of a peaceful or attractive place, such as,'Oh, I'm in Sorrento, sipping a gin and tonic in a bar over-looking the sea.' It was daft but was a useful distraction.

I found the crying absolutely exhausting on all sorts of levels - when your DS eventually goes to sleep, do something nice for yourself, even if it's only going straight to bed in clean pyjamas.

It will end!

Er, I feel like a fraud. It's 6.30pm. He's asleep. There were NO tears. No idea what we did/didn't do tonight that we don't/do do normally, but I don't care. I'm having & cuddling DP. Whoop!

hahahah!

you have stumbled upon one of the secret mysteries of parenting...

that is, as soon as you complain publicly about a behaviour your child exhibits, your child will immediately stop exhibiting said behaviour.

hope it lasts