talking to young children about death

[jassinkernow]

Hello
Would really like some advice about talking to my children, esp. eldest daughter, about dying and death. She is 4.10 - bright and articulate, just started reception - and has recently been thinking/asking a lot about death, eg waking up in night feeling sad about fact that mummy and daddy are going to die one day, asking lots about what happens to people when they die.
DH and I grew up with religion, but are agnostic/athiest, so have explained that some people believe in a 'happy place called heaven', some believe in reincarnation and some believe that death is just the end. Unsurprisingly, she's not finding it that comforting! I would really like some ideas of how to offer comfort while baing honest with her.
Situation is complicated slightly by fact that we have just had to explain that a close relative killed herself at a young age following years of mental health problems. DD doesn't remember her, so isn't upset in that sense, but is also dealing with the knowledge that some people do die tragically/very young.
Suggestions/advice/ideas about books/resources that might help would all be very much appreciated.
Thanks very much

I've explained it to my DS as 'like going to sleep' and that seemed to be OK for him. When he was 6 our elderly cat died and he found her lying in our kitchen, looking very peaceful. We had a funeral in our garden, wondered a little about 'pet heaven', felt sad together etc. It did prompt questions about people dying e.g. me, but I think the experience of seeing death for real and the ritual farewells helped him understand that it wasn't all that scary. I have reassured him that although I will die one day, I'm not planning to kick the bucket for a very long time (fingers crossed) :) With your DD, keep answering her questions as honestly but as reassuringly as you can. It's a big subject that a lot of children find fascinating rather than disturbing.

Thanks Cogito - sounds like we're offering similar messages, which is reassuring. DD had been generally fascinated, but is def more disturbed at the moment sadly. Guess it'll be a long process...

Don't think the "going to sleep" analogy is a good idea, especially with a young child where going to sleep is something they do every night, it could create confusion and anxiety.
Seeing a pet that has died is a better bet but that is also not that easy to achieve and going through the whole "goodbye" ritual really helps children to begin to understand the "not breathing" thing.
In my experience honesty is the best policy, drip the information in when the child asks rather than bringing the subject up with them yourself. All children are curious and ask the most difficult and challenging questions about all sorts of odd subjects and we should try to be "open" in our answers but at an appropriate way, i.e our answers should match the child's developmental age/cognitive ability/stage.

I would keep right off going to sleep-that is very worrying and leaves some DCs frightened of going to sleep.
I would agree with just answer questions honestly. DCs are very interested in the subject, it is adults who find it difficult. When I was a widow I found that 5/6 yr old girls were the most interested in questioning me-to the embarrassment of their parents.
I would also leave out heaven, a difficult concept. I go with we all die one day and most people are lucky and get to be old. I then say that the love doesn't die, you don't stop loving them because they are not with us and so they don't stop loving you and they leave lotsof happy memories.
Badger's Parting Gifts is good here on Amazon

I've lost both of my grandparents in the last 3 months and we had to have the cat out to sleep a few weeks ago so my dcs have been quite 'exposed' to death recently. DH's brother also died before they were born and is buried in our village graveyard where we visit his grave occasionally.

I took them to see my Grandpa in the chapel of rest and they came to both funerals because I wanted them see for themselves what death was about. My youngest is the same age as your Dd and he's grasped it fairly well.

When we went to the Chapel of Rest the funeral director used a fabulous car analogy to explain what death was like.

He said being alive is like being a car with a driver. The driver makes the car go and move but when we die it's like the driver has got out of the car and walked away. The car is there (ie the body) but because the driver has gone it won't go anywhere.

Dc3 really really 'got' that - he explains it to me whenever we talk about G'pa or G'ma or BIL.

We explained BIL's death by saying he was too poorly for the doctors to fix (he had epilepsy and died from a massive fit) and the GPs died because their bodies had got too old and worn out so they couldn't work any more.

I rather like the car idea.

I've said that when you get old you don't need your old worn out bodies anymore but that your 'soul', the bit that makes who you are, still lives. That bit will always stay, in peoples' memories and in their hearts. Dd understood that when her grannies dog died of old age. She could see he was struggling to walk etc etc but we talk about him a lot, and she understands that he will never be forgotten.

It is a bit trickier when you are explaining to a toddler why their fit and healthy father in his 20's died-which is why I don't like the 'gone to sleep' idea, but I wish I had thought of the car idea at the time.

Thanks for all this advice. Def steering clear of going to sleep, as night time is when DD is having the most difficulty. The car analogy sounds really useful - I have been struggling with that bit, esp. as I'm uncomfortable with the religious overtones of 'spirit' and so on.
Exotic, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. One of the difficulties we're having is that DD (and rest of DCs) are getting used to the idea that their aunt died at a young age, so they're absorbing the fact that people don't always live to an old age, and DD is anxious about what this means for us. Will check out the book too.

I really like the car idea! Agree you should steer clear of sleep- I believe David Baddiel's life-long insomnia stems from his mum telling him death was just like going to sleep.

My mum died when I was 4 and from my personal experience, another good way to fuck a child up over death is simply never to talk about it, act like the deceased never existed and go all weird and disapproving if the bereaved child ever refers to them.

I would always say 'do you still love grandma, even though she isn't here?'.When they say 'yes' I would go onto say 'well this means she still loves you even though she can't see you-the love lives on'.Go on for some favourite memories and the fact that they were all happy and Grandma liked laughing etc and would want them to be like that and not sad, but to remember the happy times.
You do need to talk about the person. I would never promise that you won't die, but point out that it is unusual and most people live a long time and their bodies wear out.

Car analogy really useful, thanks! DD age 3 is kind of obsessed with death at the moment and I'm struggling to explain it successfully.