Totally at the end of my parenting tether - sorry, long.

[battleoftheplanets]

My reception age boy is bright, popular at school, has good concentration, can play well alone or with other children, has good relationships with family and friends. I'm not saying this to boast, but to show the disparity of my experience with him to that of others - people often tell me how delightful he is when they really don't need to.

And he is lovely, in many ways he is a joy, but I feel like I am failing as a parent. I feel terrible to admit it, but I just can't cope with him. DS is constantly pushing boundaries with me, and I feel that every day is challenging and difficult. We have routines, but he will never just do something, even if you try to get him involved by having fun doing it, he's what you call "spirited" and will complain vociferously if things don't go his way, or then will get in a mood and shout at me.

The problem really at the moment is that he gets angry about something and he can't handle the strength of his rage, and will shout and scream, punch, kick, scratch and spit at me. This is totally unacceptable and I try the 1-2-3 magic thing of 3 warnings and a time out. When he gets to time out he won't sit still on the step and it can take up to hour for him to complete the 4 mins without getting up, laughing, taunting etc. By the end of it I am all red and sweaty with the effort of getting him back on the step. It feels worse for me than it does for him, I am sure, so I wonder what the point of it is.

I am consistent with him - there are house rules and expected standards of behaviour. However, he often just suddenly starts being really silly - chucking stuff about, refusing to get dressed, eat what I have cooked, brush teeth etc and essentially just winding me up and laughing when I become cross.

I find it really hard to deal with because I already don't believe in my own power as a person. It's like he doesn't respect me because he can pick up that I don't respect myself - does that make sense? But then sometimes I think it can't be just me? He really is an alpha male and thinks he knows everything - and says so "It's not a concert. I know all about it. They are buskers. They have a hat for money" His knowledge was based purely on Tabby McTat! But he refused to accept any alternative scenario. It would be amusing if it wasn't so bloody difficult to deal with because he is like that with everything.

In some ways it's all quite subtle and under the surface, and I know that I need to sort of ignore the wind ups breezily and act like its water off a ducks back but I feel I can't cope. It's actually driving me to tears. I'm naturally introverted and not very assertive - I read somewhere that where there is a power vacuum a child will often place themselves at the centre of it. Well, that is certainly what has happened in our case. I would have liked to have another child but the reason I don't is because I am so exhausted from DS. People ask if I ever thought about another and I just say the usual humming and hah-ing because I feel too ashamed to give the real answer "I would love another one but DS has been such a handful I fear I couldn't cope with two".

Anyway he seems to go from being totally mummy's boy with me "I love you mummy", "No, I only want to sit next to mummy!" and wanting stories, snuggles and lots of attention, very quickly to "I hate you" and the shouting and trying to physically hurt me.

How can I do right by him, nurture him and get him on the right path with firm but loving boundaries? It feels like I'm just failing at the moment :(

'Attention-seeking' is just as much the snuggly I love you mummy moments as it is the tantrums. Whether he's doing one thing or the other, positive or negative, he has your attention. He'll try things out that he has seen and heard at school... that's normal. If he's forced to be obedient at school all day he may not feel that there should be so many rules at home... also normal.

If you want more positive, less negative then your response to the negative has to be as brief and final as possible. Ignore it where you can... if he doesn't eat what you have cooked, fine, he goes hungry - no drama necessary. Pick your battles and that might help. If you can't ignore it e.g. getting dressed for school, either offer to help or switch to 'command mode'.... 'because I said so'. (I've roughly manhandled my own DS into school uniform more often than I care to remember!!) And if that doesn't work then you need to go to 'consequences' e.g. withdrawal of things he enjoys. You'll know what those are.

If you are being kicked and punched you have to go straight to 'consequences' and make it very firm action e.g. putting him bodily out of harm's way in a separate room and shutting the door. A more extreme form of time-out, if you like. For it to be effective, don't talk, stay unflustered and make him come to you to apologise when he's calmed down.

The flip-side to coping with the bad behaviour is to reward good behaviour. Any time he is thoughtful, kind, cooperative gets plenty of well dones. Also provide plenty of opportunities for daft play.... children need to be silly If he's not got siblings, little friends round to play helps on that one. Sticker charts often work. A sticker for teeth brushing or getting dressed without being asked.... and a 'prize' at the end of the week which should be doing something fun together - stressing that 'good behaviour' = 'lots of lovely attention from mummy'. In calm, happy moments tell him straight how much you like it when he's being nice DS. It all helps.

Good luck :)

BTW... In an entrenched argument about whether it's a concert or a busker the answer is 'you know best'.... :)

DD is 4, and she's rather like this...

Is there any particular trigger point in the day for winding you up? DD is worst when tired/hungry, I'm worst when ratty in the morning and trying to keep her focussed on getting ready for school.

Are you giving 1-2-3 for hitting? Generally I go straight to time out for violence, without giving warnings. And for more minor things that have got to three, don't forget you can remove a privilege rather than time out, if this is a battle?

I have no idea why I am trying to give you advice as I have exactly the same issues, but hey ho. I am reading Playful Parenting at the minute, as recommended by someone on MN. It does work, but BY GOD it is hard to find the strength to go 'Ooh, you don't want to brush your teeth, eh? Shall I brush your nose instead?!' or whatever, when you're using all your parenting skills not to strangle them.

Oh, and I wouldn't over-worry about not being assertive or whatever, I am very assertive but all that has happened, is DD has learnt all my behaviour and tactics and just uses them back at me so we just end up being too similar and butting heads constantly. So it's not much help!

I'm having the same issues with my DS2, who's in Reception.

He has turned into tweenager extraordinaire, yes, since starting school. He is good as gold at school...'lovely', according to his teacher, but at home - literally as we leave the school's immediate environment - he becomes moody, uncommunicative (lots of grunting & hissing - no words) and whacks me/DH/his brothers if he's not got his own way.

I tried the warning...time out method.

I tried the getting really cross/shouting and yes, even resorted to a smack or two when totally at the end if my tether.

But I have found, after much soul searching, that because he doesn't actually really mean it, and that it seems to be more frustration on his part that he's struggling to cope with such a change in his life with full days at school etc etc, that a big hug/reassurance/and soothing 'I know you're cross but I think you don't really want to ... , and that you really want to ...', ie., put a positive spin on it, is what actually works best and puts a stop to what was, with the previous methods, escalating to lots of slamming doors, tears, and more reprimands.

It takes a lot of effort, patience, deep breaths (and doesn't always work) but I have found that it is generally more effective and I have started to see a change in behaviour...

I agree with the others about ignoring the majority of it - not eating (don't worry)/getting dressed (take him to school in his pj's). My DD has started reception this year and her behaviour is dreadful sometimes.

For any physical aggression, she goes straight to her room (she would fight me over time out i'm sure). She also only gets treats if she can keep a lid on her behaviour (and i am going with ignoring 10-20%) of things. To this end she missed her horseriding lesson last week as her behaviour had been bad in the last week of term.

Any time she is good/nice i am being overzealous in joining in with her game/chat etc, if she is horrid to me or her sister, i withdraw my attention immediately. This really does seem to help.

Consistency and grinning and bearing it seem to be working slowly here....

battleof, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel, and it is a combination of being worn down, feeling like a failure and the everlasting arguing. I sometimes feel like screaming "just friggin well do it because I friggin well told you to!" I swear I will lose it one day, and do that!

DS is 10, and has been like your DS since toddlerhood. The whole world has to revolve around him, and he argues the toss until I lose the will to live. Things are particularly bad at the mo, and I am trying hard to ignore him - literally walk out of the room and not give him the satisfaction of a conversation. It worked well yesterday.

Be reassured that you are not alone. Hang on to the fact that your DS is probably very bright. Try hard to ignore the attention seeking behaviour (tho NOT the physical aggression, total zero tolerance on that) and don't be hard on yourself. I too have been driven to tears many times (and everyone outside the family thinks my DS is lovely, too.)

Ah, I'm not alone! Thanks for the replies.

I have that Playful Parenting book somewhere - I chortled when I read your comment Boulevard - that's exactly it, I find myself many times half insane from lack of sleep from an early start on a school morning and stressed out trying to find my keys and I'm just thinking hang on I don't feel like making a game of this, FFS put your bloody shoes on! Still I'll have another look at it, good to remind myself. How to Talk has some good pointers too IIRC.

Wonderwooman yes, I know what you mean about sidestepping the discipline because you know they don't mean it. I should try that more often - it happened the other day and half way through the ding dong I did just pull him close and hug him and I could feel him relax very easily as if that's all he actually needed. I guess it's about judging when it's the right time for this.

It's good to see it reinforced that "Because I said so" is a good enough reason - I know I tend to give longwinded explanations sometimes.

minx thanks! My DS has also been like this since toddlerhood, and he was the same little soul as a baby but in a gentler babyish way.

And re another DC - my DS2 is the one who keeps me sane. Chilled out, happy, never stops smiling, doesn;t argue and doesn't even copy his older brother's horrid behaviour. I (secretly) regard him as my consolation prize!!! So don't say no to another DC - it might do you and your DS good.

"The everlasting arguing" YES! That's it exactly. He argues as a kind of conversational gambit (actually my brother was a bit like that ). It's exhausting!

minx I am going to try for another, we really want one, and know it would be good for DS. But until he started school it seemed far too daunting.

Go for it. Then when DS1 is at school you get all that lovely time with happy, content DC2. The dear Lord wouldn't give you two like it - that's what I decided anyway.

Sympathy! My DS is younger but very talkative and would definitely do the arguing back about whether it was a busker or a concert. My standard line then is 'Really?' and then just letting him chatter on. Or I will switch the subject or 'get distracted' and go and look at something else. They are arguing back out of sheer bloodymindedness and won't back down so you may as well not try to push the 'correct' explanation. Save it for another time. In fact I would use being 'distracted' an awful lot
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I'm not that experienced with the other behaviours, but the advice here seems good to me to focus on consequences. Certainly in your shoes I would abandon the time outs and look for another way to handle hitting, because if the punishment's worse for you than him, it's pointless.