Parents of adopted teenagers

[roisin]

This latest change in the law has taken me a bit on the hop; I didn't realise how far-reaching it was. Atm the option for birth relatives to request contact with an adoptee through an intermediary are limited to adoptions pre-1975, but it is likely that later adoptions will be subject to the same guidelines within a few years.

What do you feel about it as parents?
How would you feel if a birth relative attempted to make contact in this way?
If they chose not to attempt making contact in this way, would you assume they were not interested? Or would you assume they were respecting your privacy and your child's right to choose when/whether contact should be made?

I am a birth parent btw, of a 16-yr-old boy, and I would love to have contact with him at some point in the future. But I am interested to hear your honest answers to the questions, not what you think I might like to hear iyswim.

bump

total outsider to this .. but I wonder how a child would feel if they knew their birth parent was allowed to try to contact them but they never were aware of any such attempt at contact taking place?

I don't know, roisin. It's a big move of the goalposts isn't it? I guess as an adoptive parent you have to be prepared for the fact that your child may want to seek out his/her genetic parent(s) some day. The thought of the birth mother seeking contact, however, is a bit different. If I'm honest - I think the possibility of it would frighten me - the thought of someone turning up with a (legitimate) claim to want to know my child. But I guess it is something that an adoptive parent would have to come to terms with.

As for if no attempt at contact was made - I'd be vascillating between all of your suggestions: that the birth parent wasn't interested/that they were respecting my rights as a parent and my child's right to instigate contact (I would be hoping it was the latter).

I can see that a child might feel hurt if the birth mother didn't attempt contact - but, equally, they might feel relieved.

It's a minefield, isn't it? I don't think I've posted anything helpful but I've tried to be honest - I can absolutely understand your desire to have some contact with your son, and maybe - as a mother - his adoptive mother will understand that too. Does that make sense?

also not involved with this and don't fully understand the consequences. If you tried to make contact does that mean you definately will or that you only might contact your son?

Wouldn't it be better if/when an adoptee tries to make contact that they find out their birth parent had also made some efforts?

Roisin - I heard this on the radio this morning and my thoughts were immediately of you.

I don't have any experience but had I been adopted I think I would have wanted to know that my mother had tried to find me even if at that point I decided that I didn't want any further contact. I think if the mother didn't try and make contact one of my thoughts would be that she wasn't interested but of course there would be so many other factors to consider.

The role of the intermediary would be hugely important too - are they appointed by an agency?

I've not heard this but have just had a quick read about it.

I honestly don't want to be traced, I don't want someone phoning me and putting me in the position where I have to make a decision, becuase I feel that whichever way I go I will regret it. I think that i felt differently when I was younger and may have been more receptive to it while I was in my late teens, but I don't think that my mum and dad would have reacted well to it regardless of what age I was, but when I was adopted back in 1963, my parents would have been led to beleive that there would never be any contact at all, they had the option to know things about my birth family and apart from one or two facts they didn't want to know anything.

I went through a phase a few months back where I was more tempted to trace my birth parents than ever before, but that passed within a day so it wasn't such a strong phase!!

Thanks to everyone who's posted so far.

Just a bit of clarification for those that are interested:

Birth relatives do not (and there are no plans for them to) have a right to access to adoptees. So whereas an adoptee does (at 18) have access to their records, and could quite easily trace a relative and just turn up on their doorstep one day, this cannot happen the other way around. The adoptee retains the right to agree to contact or not.

So you are correct Lilibet you could end up with a phone call requesting contact, but it would be from a third party, an uninvolved third party, a professional and experienced third-party, and it should not be difficult for you to decline any contact.

But obviously the fact that someone has chosen to attempt to contact you, and probably paid a fee of several hundred pounds to do so, does change things and affect your thoughts and emotions, and it isn't a step that - once taken - can ever be reversed.

I have very mixed emotions about this as my youngest nephew and niece were adopted (from the same family) - the children were forcibly removed from their birth parents, and thank god for it. Although it will be some considerable time before psycho birth mother would be entitled to try and trace the kids, I would actually be quite concerned if she did (she has issued threats against my bro and his wife, like somehow it's their fault her kids have been taken away).

Anyway, I think that is a very different situation from the majority of adoptions - not suggesting you are a psycho for one minute roisin. For me I feel that it is for the child (once grown-up) to decide what they want to do, but then equally many adoptions in the 60s and 70s were basically where social pressure forced the mother to give up a much-wanted child. I can't really imagine how awful that must have been.