Explaining marital breakdown to small children

[mamsnet]

My children's auntie and uncle have recently separated and I think all the family are in shock.. The poor girl (my SIL) never saw it coming and is in bits.. They have a seven year-old DD and I suppose they will eventually manage to be civil for her sake but right now, things are very raw..
So, do any of you wise MNers have any idea how I am to explain this new situation to my own 5 and 3 year-olds? The 5 year-old, particularly, is a tremendously sensitive soul and I am preparing myself to be bombarded with questions..

I don't know about how to explain things to children when it's not their parents separating, but when H and I separated, we told DC (then 7 and 5) that Mummy and Daddy weren't going to live in the same house any more. We haven't said about why this has happened and they haven't asked. It would probably be different if H were living with the OW but as he isn't and doesn't appear to have any plans to, it makes it a bit easier. Also helps that he and I are managing to be amicable.

Thanks ASuitableGirl
Maybe that will be enough and I'm overthinking it.. I just know what DD is like, though.. I want her to feel secure that her family hasn't changed and that her beloved cousin will be ok.

I'd say wait until you're asked a question and then give as honest and as age-appropriate answer as you can. The questions, you see, may not be the ones you're expecting.

True, Cogito. To be honest I'm expecting all the "Will Daddy ever go away?" question

Anybody any experience of similar?

The answer to 'will Daddy ever go away?' is 'no' of course. The balance to strike is one of information and reassurance. The information is that the divorcing couple were very unhappy and have decided not to live together any more. The reassurance is that it doesn't change the relationship with lovely cousin and that there is no way that a similar situation would happen to Mummy and Daddy because Mummy and Daddy are only happy when you're all together.

It's the same as the 'death' conversation. The balance is between information ie. we all die... and reassurance ie. but we're not going to die for a very long time.

Cogito Thank you so much for that.. I'm quite upset about it all myself but you're right.. I will have to just reassure her that everything is still the same.

And (I hope I'm not abusing of your time here, but you sound so sensible..) how do you reassure a small child who sees her auntie falling to pieces?

You tell them that auntie is very unhappy, upset or sad. They'll understand that better than you think and it doesn't scare them. Children operate on a very basic black and white level emotionally. They don't live in the grey areas like we do, putting on a brave face, pretending one thing and feeling another etc. Unlike grown-ups who bang a thumb with a hammer and then hop around the room trying not to cry, when they hurt themselves, they have a good old yell! When they're having a great time they laugh hysterically. Their friends do the same thing. You've seen it. So an auntie that is visibly/physically upset is totally within a child's sphere of understanding because that's how they react to being sad.

Thank you very much, Cogito.. that does make a lot of sense.

Are you a child psychologist or similar? Just being nosey.. I'm fascinated by child psychology.

Not guilty :) Just seem to spend a lot of time with children and their opinions often surprise me. Also - on this particular subject - remember what it was like as a child myself when people kept information back. My DM would be gossiping with friends, I'd be lurking pretending to read a book and, when they got to a juicy part, it would deteriorate into meaningful eye-rolling, 'mee-maw' language (do you know that one?) and euphemisms. Used to annoy me like crazy.

Yes, I completely agree with the keeping information back.. My mother was terribly guilty! It's something I've taken up with her since and she has, in fact, apologised! It doesn't seem to have changed her, though, as when I asked her for advice on this one she was still firmly in the Keep 'em in the Dark school!