I can no longer cope with DS's

[wineismyfriend]

I really struggle to cope with DS's behaviour (7 and 3.10). DS 1 has always been demanding in that he will not entertain himself, he moans, whinges and is generally disruptive until it's 'time' for DH or I to do something with him. DS2 will amuse himself but put the two together and they are a totaly nightmare.

I try to engage them in some activity, help them set it up etc...but before long the fights generally misbehaviour starts. I know its all for attention but i really don't know how to deal with it. If i ignore it just escalates, if i try to seperate them they ignore me. they know i am really struggling at it makes their behaviour worse, they screech around the house, the youngest throws things....We go out and in the car they shout and scream at each other, we punish them but they don't seem to care and just do the same next time.

We had family freinds round on Friday teatime and DS's were bossy, shouty, rough etc...it totally ruined it for all of us and i feel like i am serving a prison sentence and it breaks my heart that i will look ack at their early years and remember how bloody misersable i was.

I have been to see my GP and whilst she was really lovely and understanding she admited that my needs weren't great enough to be referred to anyone for help or advice. She did give me a book to work though which we made a really good start with but it's been sidlined a bit in the last couple of weeks. I know i need ot press on but at the minute i feel like i'm at the bottom of a bloody massive hole and there is no ladder to climb out. i shout and cry all the time and in the last week or so when my stress is at it's peak i have been getting a strong urge to get some scissors and cut chunks out of my hair!!!! i'm note sure if thst a cry for help of frustration.

I know this sounds weak and pathetic but i feel lost and i don't know where to start in turning things around.

I have no personal experience of your circumstances but I do know a lady through work who has 2 daughters who fight constantly (they are about 10 and 8 now). It seems to be a personality clash more than anything else and the way she and her DH manage it is to do separate things the DDs want to do, then being very strict that they must behave well during a family activity, then letting them do their own thing, eg. Saturday morning DD1 and dad go swimming while DD2 and mum do some baking and tidy the house, afternoon DD2 and dad go to park and DD1 and mum go shopping, then a DVD all together, then girls play in their rooms/do homework. Every now and then one goes to one set of GPs and the other to the other set so she and her DH can have a meal out or go hiking. It's not ideal but it has reduced their stress levels, is it worth trying something like that?

Is there some way you can get a bit more time for yourself to just destress? If you are a sahm maybe your youngest could go to nursery a few hours or if you are working could you perhaps go to the gym or the pool after work a couple of nights?

Hope things improve for you soon. x

Hi, OP. I've got 7 and 4 year old boys too and know exactly what you're going through. It's exhausting. It does sound like you need to get some power back if they're ignoring you. Mine are both very strong-willed and very active so it goes against everything in my nature to be the strong-leader I need to be to keep them in line (I envisioned motherhood as being all cosy-stories and nice walks, crafts and puzzles). It's also really time consuming to be that consistent with discipline but once you make it a habit they will start to learn that there is no way around it. Could you make a list of rules and post it somewhere where you can refer to it often? (even if they can't read it yet it's helpful to have something to point to). You have got to follow through every time they misbehave so they start to get that they can't break the rules. If they misbehave in the car, they lose a favourite toy or lose some other treat or prievelege that day. If they squabble they each have a time-out spot that they must go to for a set length of time (mine go to the laundry room and a corner of the kitchen, respectively and they hate it), if they are rude and naughty while you have visitors/are on the phone, they go to bed early without stories, if they are naughty at the dinner table they do not get dessert and so on.

Remember too, that your little one is still quite small; my four year old is a miniature tyrant and very good at manipulating things so he can get his own way (throwing a tt so he can play with a specific toy), which I think is a big part of the problem in their dynamic. It does get a bit easier as they start to lose some of that toddler-y behaviour (now DS2 is learning to "use his words" to express his grievance rather than bursting into tears automatically).

Also; you've got to have an outlet. Vigorous exercise is really good for destressing and I find it really helps me to stay on even-keel in terms of keeping my patience with them.

HTH.

I had two boys. The only thing I would add is:Take them outside, all the time if possible. No matter what the weather, take them out and walk them. Think of them as puppies. They need loads of exercise, regular meals and snacks - every 2 to 3 hours - and plenty to drink.

I used to be in the park by 08.00 when mine were that age. They would run round all morning - we all had a snack and a drink at 10.30 (I used to take it with me), then home for lunch, sit down and do a book/game/video (This was 20 years ago). Then back out again until tea time.

Small boys hate being indoors.

Take a ball, or those huge plastic golf clubs from ELC plus plastic balls. They will walk much further with something to chase.

thanks for taking the time to post.

Popbiscuit, thank you for reminding me what i need to do and if i am honest i do do this alot of the time. misbehaving a mealtimes resulted in no pudding for each on two occasions this weekend! The problem i have with DS1 withdrawing toys is that he doesn't play with anything!! His only love is football and i am so reluctant to take away his balls or ban him from playing in his team on a Saturday as that is the only time we get where i see him at his best. He wouldn't find something else to play with, he'd just moan and be more disruptive instead.

3littlefrogs - yes i defo treat them like dogs in that we go out on bikes, scooters, to the park etc as much as possible. what really grinds me down is that on the way home form these trips DS1 is demanding to know what we are going to do next!

i have started running again and do feel thebenifit of that outlet but i just felt too flipping miserable this morning

x

I also have two boys nearly 3 and 6 and yes just wanted to say know what you mean, you're not alone. Another good thing about being out is that there's less to fight over! plus the exercise. We've not been able to get out as much over half term as I've been ill and it's been hard! But DP has taken the day off today to take them out for a bit whew! It's so much easier when I have the energy for example to take them to the park, swimming or soft play if the weather's bad.

Could you try a gentle swim or watching a movie/read OP when you get the chance to take your mind off things for a bit? (I get stressed too and it does help to switch off for a bit). A bit of whatever you enjoy. Hope it goes ok. There are also these courses, i did one called the Incredible Years. Sometimes they're good too as they can have a creche attached! So a break for you and chance to chat to others in peace.

Also was going to say mine don't often want to do something i set up with /for them...if you leave stuff randomly around for them they sometimes get interested and want to do it. It's tricky though maybe something like Lego..a dvd or some books little paints after a trip out..and cooking! Mine like cooking and seeing it bake...something they can share but keep it easy. making /decorating pizzas/making playdough can be good.

Mine go to bed 10 minutes early for every time I tell them off for squabling. I give them one warning and then they have until I count to 20 to sort it out. If I have to intervene - it's bed early. The best day, the went to bed about 2 hours early. I enjoyed the peace and quiet and they learned a valuable lesson. Mine are closer together in age so not sure if it would work so well for you.

That sounds like it worked well! I get a bit down sometimes too but just remember you're doing well in a trying situation. I used to work in a nursery and the parents used to say we were amazing...it's so much harder 24/7 with just 2! Try and stay positive too so not just timeouts, you could try a chart with a special reward for good behaviour too x

Or just mentioning specific times and things they've done eg that was great sharing, I like the way you helped ds fix that etc.