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Original poster

How to deal with DS (9)'s over persistent friend

61 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 28/10/2011 20:28

Will call him X, is a nice kid, lives very close to us, is one of DS's best friends and they get on very well. X has other friends apart from DS as does DS but none of the other yr 5 boys are in convenient calling distance. However over the last few months he has been so persistent that it is becoming a nuisance.

An example, Sunday teatime, after DS and X have spent the afternoon playing in and out together, the phone rings, we ignore it. When I check it afterwards it is X's mother asking if DS wants to come for a sleepover that night. DS has been for a birthday treat sleepover with X which was fine but am not happy about random spur of moment sleepovers so texted her to say thank you but not tonight. At 7pm I was in the bath and the phone rang, DS answered it and ran upstairs saying "Its X, please can I go for a sleepover". I get out of bath, quite peeved and speak to X's mother, "Didn't you get my text" I say, "Oh sorry, she says, "I did, didn't realise X was phoning you". Not sure why she wasn't annoyed with her DS for going behind her back when I had already said no. So I said no again and had DS furious at me and nice cosy family evening spoiled. Texted X's mother the next morning to say DS would not be playing out as had been at A&E first thing (whole other story), X still phoned three times in an hour to speak to DS, the friend I had visiting could not believe he was being allowed to call so continually.

X's mother jokes that X is DS's stalker and laughs that if we are away he patrols back and forward between our houses to see if we are back yet. I often get back to find multiple silent messages on the phone from him. It is too much, apart from move house , what can I do?

OP posts:

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Tryharder · 28/10/2011 20:55

Perhaps I am massively laidback but this really wouldn't bother me at all.. Sorry.

jamdonut · 29/10/2011 11:25

Change your phone number? And when they ask why, say "Well, I was getting all these nuisance calls....". Seriously though, I think I would have to say something to the child, in a nice way, of course, because that is ridiculous.

seeker · 29/10/2011 11:34

Is your ds bothered? If not, then why are you? If he is, that's a different question, obviously.

Why did you say no to the sleepover anyway?

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clare458 · 29/10/2011 12:45

He lives really close by so that's probably why they always think to ask your ds for sleepovers etc. It wouldn't bother me at all if my dc were asked to go for a sleepover at the last minute.
As for the phone calls, reply once and then don't pick up the phone, get caller display so you know who's calling. I agree his mum shouldn't allow him to phone you frequently but eventually he'd get bored if you didn't answer.
My ds has a friend who is similar regarding the phonecalls, he used to phone us around 8am on Sundays to see if ds was going to meet up with him and play. It was annoying but we just mentioned that we like to have lay ins on a Sunday, so could he please phone after a certain time.

You could just mention it to his mum or to the boy himself!

Dee03 · 29/10/2011 13:10

Hi...I understand exactly what u r saying and it would drive me nuts too ! Been in a similar situation myself with the boy next-door but thankfully it's got a lot better over the past couple of years.....I think you've either just got to carry on as you are and ride with it (as I did) or speak to the other mother...good luck either way

Original poster

Flyonthewindscreen · 29/10/2011 22:13

DS thinks its great to have a good friend constantly calling but if if X wasn't always making the first move, DS certainly wouldn't do it to the same extent (and I would limit him a bit anyway as hate the thought of my DC being pita's to others).

I said no to the last minute sleepover as a) we had just settled in for a cosy family evening watching film and b) was annoyed that X had phoned even after I had already replied to his mother to say no and c) the child is around all the time in daylight hours as it is, I'm not going to start a random sleepover precedent as well!

I am not a laidback person and am quite a private person (as is my DH) so I just find the constant calling on thing really intrusive.

As for saying something to X or his mother what on earth could I say without sounding like a mad control freak "Sorry X/X's parents, you have exceeded you ration of 3 callings on and 4 phone calls for the week so therefore I must ask you to leave/hang up"

OP posts:

Whippet · 29/10/2011 22:51

The text thing may have just been confusion. Sometimes I don't see texts straight away, particularly if I've left my phone charging upstairs or something (some people don't seem to understand that I don't have it glued to me at all times like they d0).

I would also be a bit annoyed with this level of intrusion, but he (the boy) or they (the parents) won't know unless you tell them. I don't usually agree to very last minute sleepovers either as they usually screw up the next day, with a grumpy child, or need to pick them up in the morning, when other things are planned.

seeker · 29/10/2011 23:28

Just because you're a private person doesn't mean your ds is! You said no to the sleepover for no good reason when th mum first asked. ( I do understand whyyou said no when th boy asked- just not when the mum did)

Your ds is a different sort of person to you- he has a right to his own social life. You say he is happy with the level of contact- I'm afraid you have to be too.

Original poster

Flyonthewindscreen · 29/10/2011 23:57

Yes, a 9 yo old has the right to their own social life, and my DS certainly has a great one of those, but surely not at the expense of being a total nuisance to the adults he shares home with [goes to dream about housemove from estate to remote country lanes location...]

OP posts:

seeker · 30/10/2011 06:42

But a few phone calls is hardly being a total nuisance!

Original poster

Flyonthewindscreen · 30/10/2011 11:23

Its not a few phonecalls, it is about having someone else's child around uninvited all the time. He was here until we went out for the day yesterday (literally dropped him off as we left) and has reappeared this morning... I get that some people would be fine with that and are happy to let their DC's social life dominate their own family life and personal space but I'm not.

OP posts:

Whippet · 30/10/2011 14:02

You just need to be firmer with both your DS and the boy.

We have kids in the street who are always knocking for my two. Although they are nice kids the younger on is 6 years younger than my eldest, so understandably he doesn't want to (always) be out playing with them, so I just have a range of responses and polite excuses. Sometimes I just say 'sorry, but we have some family time planned together' (and then the little blighters start quizzing me about what we're doing, when we're going out etc

jubilee10 · 30/10/2011 15:25

We have had similar problems with children before. We too are private people and it really annoyed us.

We got caller display and ignored the calls. If you make sure that anyone who may need to get in touch with you in an emergency has your mobile number you could switch off the volume on your landline.

We don't do random sleepovers. I will allow it for (other children's) birthday parties but that's it. We don't have other children to sleep over at ours except in an emergency ie: a neighbour admitted to hospital. My children know this and it has never been a problem. They can go to other peoples houses to play but I will pick them up in the evening.

If he comes to the door I would say ds is busy at the moment and won't be playing out today come back tomorrow after 11am (or similar) and then don't answer the door. If his mother mentions it, come clean!

motherinferior · 30/10/2011 15:28

And once again, I join seeker in a parallel universe...

miacis · 30/10/2011 18:30

Just wondering if either of the children ate onlies? My dd is and craves the company of other children. As do most kids of that age. I know I did. It was just easier then when could play outside all day rather than having to be a pain in someone else's house.

Just wondering

miacis · 30/10/2011 18:31

Are onlies even

DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 30/10/2011 19:00

I think I know what you mean Kamer. I would also find much of that intrusive too. Silent messages on the phone fgs? Blimey I think I'd have a word with the mum if that went on too often .

I think you need to be more direct and firm about when ds is and isn't available. Why can't some people impress on their dc that bombarding others like this isn't always welcome and is overly demanding

seeker · 30/10/2011 19:19

"We don't do random sleepovers. I will allow it for (other children's) birthday parties but that's it. We don't have other children to sleep over at ours except in an emergency ie: a neighbour admitted to hospital. My children know this and it has never been a problem. They can go to other peoples houses to play but I will pick them up in the evening."

Please please tell me why?

DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 30/10/2011 19:41

God I hate sleepovers.

nooka · 30/10/2011 19:51

My dd has some persistent friends, but then I suspect that she is quite persistent herself. I rather admire it, being a bit less gregarious myself. We did get a bit peeved with one friend who wouldn't take no for an answer, but then we know that she has parents who do buckle after a while, so it's not that surprising. Once we made it very clear that no means no from us she was OK.

We just made sure that our dd (and ds) know the rules (only one sleepover per weekend, any requests to be agreed by parents before the invite). Oh and she answers all the calls in our house.

Whippet · 30/10/2011 23:18

Although I don't have a blanket 'no sleepovers ever' rule, I do find this obsession with them (here on MN, and in RL) rather bizarre. And the incredulity of those people indignantly saying, "why not??" is rather surprising...

As far as I'm concerned there are lots of reasons 'why not' - especially on an unplanned/ regular basis:

I work during the week, so the weekend is our family and MY weekend too
they create a lot of extra work - tidying space in rooms for mattresses, arranging different/special food for difficult children etc
I don't like the impact they have - siblings being isolated/teased ; children generally getting hyped up and excited; the numerous trips up and down stairs to get them to bed; the need to get up and prepare breakfast for a guest & handover to their parents; then there's the washing once-used bedding and towels and dealing with a grumpy & over-tired child the next day

I don't feel relaxed with other people's kids here - it's an extra layer of responsibility which eats into my evening/ weekend.

Best saved for special treats... and as for those parents who are constantly badgered by their kids..er, say No?
I never had them as a child - didn't seem to do me any harm.....

Whippet · 30/10/2011 23:20

Personally I think lazy parents just use them as an excuse to not have to interact and spend time with their own kids....

BluddyMoFo · 30/10/2011 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 31/10/2011 05:35

"Personally I think lazy parents just use them as an excuse to not have to interact and spend time with their own kids.... "

What a stupid thing to say! As stupid as it would be for me to say that all your reasons for not having sleepovers are entirely selfish-all about you and how much trouble it would be for you to wash an extra sheet.......

nicknamenotinuse · 31/10/2011 06:25

I'm with OP, it would annoy the hell out of me.

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