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Original poster

separation anxiety - help!!!

13 replies

linzie30 · 28/12/2005 15:16

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and wondered if anyone could offer me some advice! I'm having a nightmare with my ds at the moment - he won't let me out of his sight for more than 1 minute! He's 22 months. My husband and I have a deal that if I get up with ds in the morning, I get to go back to bed, or take a bath later on on the day while he stays with baby...this always worked out fine, until the past week - every time I try to go upstairs he flips out! We've tried everything - distraction, ignoring the tantrum, pleading and begging(!) but he just won't calm down until I give up and come back downstairs. He's a stubborn little boy. It's driving me mad. I've just found out I'm pregnant and I'm so tired! I was so looking forward to getting some rest while dh is off work on holiday but I'm just more knackered than ever.

We've been having real sleep issues too lately... 2 weeks of controlled crying seem to finally be working but I can't stand it.

Please, someone tell me this shall pass! DH is upset that ds won't be with him and feels useless. I'm hacked off that I can't get any sleep and take it out on dh!

Advice, experience, words of wisdom gratefully received!

Thanks!!!

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Frizbethebumpedupreindeer · 28/12/2005 15:18

bump for anyone else with better experience of this than me!

lilianna · 28/12/2005 15:24

the only advice i can give is dont give in i know its hard. let your child scream for a bit (prob no longer than 10mins) its hard to listen to it but tell your child what you are going to do and go and do it. if you give in you've lost and this is what your child wants. i wish you all the luck and rest when you can.

RudolphsAuntMabel · 28/12/2005 16:18

I remember all too well what this is like and according to Steve Biddulph boys are more prone to this than girls especially before 3 year old.

Just hang in there it'll pass. DS1 started sleeping through at about 2yrs 8m, just 4 weeks before DS2 arrived! Gaahhhhhhhh. Huge bags under my eyes now.

The only advice I can give is what I did and what worked for me, let it pass. IMO if you just leave them/ignore them all the time you're teaching them that no-one cares when he cries, but you can't jump at the slightest thing. If you know he's ok and is just trying to get attention, go to him, just not immediately. Say "just a minute, mummy's just.....blah, blah whatever". He'll start to get used to the idea that you have other things to do but at the same time he'll know he's important too.

Like I said, hang in there. It will pass, it's just one of those damned 'phases' we're always being told about. Chin up

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EliBeentoSantasGrotto · 28/12/2005 16:25

DD is just 2, and has had phases of this on and off...sometimes she can be talked through it by DH, occasionally it feels necessary to let her work it out without me, but sometimes (esp. during illness, stresful times, tired times etc) she really really wants her Mum and I let her have me. I haven't noticed it making things worse, tbh - quite the opposite sometimes. Eg last night, DD (who is normally bathed very happily by DH) wanted Mum - she was tired, grumpy, overwhelmed and wanted mothering: right or wrong, she got it - and was in a fine mood rest of the evening. DH got her up this morning no problem. I suppose it depends on the child and on the circumstances. And yes it does pass - at least IME - but I know, oh how I know, how knackering those phases are at the time!

Original poster

linzie30 · 28/12/2005 16:40

Thanks everyone for your kind words...it must have sounded a bit like I really can't be bothered being a mother to him, but I really can! He's just being so clingy and it's gotten really tough lately...such a mummy's boy! This parenting lark isn't exactly a walk in the park, is it?

OP posts:

EliBeentoSantasGrotto · 28/12/2005 16:57

Nope, not even a run in the park! Doesn't sound like that at all, don't worry, can relate 100%...those clingy times always feel like they're going on forever, even the 2 hour ones

boredmarchhare · 28/12/2005 17:02

Tell him what you are doing, how long you are going to be (building this up gradually) and always go back when you said you would.

He may not be happy with the initial parting but he should get used to it.

How do you do the CC? Could this be related?

Original poster

linzie30 · 28/12/2005 17:38

I had to start doing CC a couple of weeks ago when one day, out of the blue, he point blank refused to go for his afternoon nap - he had always been perfect before this and would happily go down without any fuss at all. At first I thought he was maybe just dropping the nap but when I took him out in the car later that day he fell asleep within minutes, so he obviuosly still needed the sleep. He was also kicking off at nighttime, one night he screamed for nearly 3 hours, with me going in and out to check on him. I had to stay with him till he conked out, and even then he woke up in the night. Last night was the first night he's slept through for ages. It seems like something has triggered this anxiety off - maybe he has some sixth sense of the new baby and is feeling a bit insecure! He was actually patting my tummy and saying 'baby baby!' even before I found out I was pregnant....spooky...!

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EliBeentoSantasGrotto · 28/12/2005 17:50

I think the holidays are a bit unsettling for toddlers (some of them)...DD is definitely a bit wilder than usual after days of presents, wobbly routines and excess family. Congrats on your pregnancy - no wonder you're tired, missed that bit!

boredmarchhare · 28/12/2005 19:06

Aaah, you said you go in and out when doing the CC so probably OK there then (I am a fan of CC incase you were wondering ), but could've been related if he thought you were 'abandoning' him etc etc..

It could just be that he's not feeling 100%, I know my DS (24mos) gets a bit clingy when normally he will happily ignore me all day if I let him. In fact, he's a bit like this at the moment because his last molars are peeping through and giving him a bit of bother.

If you know he is well and he's definately winding you up, then try the walking away/ignoring etc.. but explaining what you are doing (where/why/length of time), gradually spending longer away and then eventually giving less info.

tuppenceworth · 29/12/2005 11:52

I had exactly the same problem with my ds, now 2.3 years, especially when I separated from his father. He (ds) wouldn't even let me go upstairs to the loo when he was otherwise playing happily with his grandma. I mostly got over this by going to the top of the stairs and playing peek-a-boo from behind the bannisters, leaving it a few seconds longer the next time and going to the loo in between, and also saying 'I can still see you' or just talking to him to reassure him that you're still there. Also, try telling him what you're doing, as in 'I'm just going upstairs to have a wee wee and I'll be straight back down'. Quite descriptive but this also seems to work too.

Linzie - things do get better, honest love! And congratulations on your pregnancy!

blueshoes · 29/12/2005 12:31

Who knows what sets off separation anxiety. My dd has phases of this on-and-off since 5 months. It is definitely a developmental thing but also some children are generally more clingy than others. If your ds is stubborn, it would be so much harder to distract him from his goal.

I never got my dd to accept any substitutes when she was in a mummy-mode. Unless you count 5 minutes of red-faced, tear-streaked hysterical crying whilst I was on the toilet a success.

I am afraid I am of the RudolphsAuntMabel school - I would just go to him - it is a phase, this too shall pass. Nap with him, lots of cuddles, even if he did not ask for it. I am guessing the CC might have knocked him for six as may your impending arrival.

Gosh, it is soooo knackering, particularly in your delicate condition. But I think your ds will get over this phase more quickly and with less stress, than if you resist, JMO. Your ds wants mummy, that is lovely and a testament to all that you have been doing right. Congrats, btw

Original poster

linzie30 · 29/12/2005 14:30

Thanks again everyone, your messeages are really giving me comfort! We tried yet again this morning to leave him with daddy, but he was having none of it. I went to bed and lay down with my eyes shut, so ignoring everything he was doing in the hope that he would get so bored with me he would go to daddy - in fact he got so bored he fell asleep beside me! Well, at least I got an hour's nap...
I'm just accepting the fact that pregnancy makes me extremely tired and ultra-sensitive - it really doesn't matter how much sleep I manage at the moment, I'm still going to be exhausted so I may as well smile and get on with it. Only 33 weeks to go....bleugh....

This too shall pass.

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