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Parenting

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Original poster

Does everyone think 'Well-behaved children' = ' Good Mother'?

46 replies

SouthernandCross · 20/10/2011 18:02

Or even the opposite?
ie Badly behaved children denote a bad mother?
Before having kids I thought this way, but since having kids I'm much more open minded.
Am I alone in this?

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inmysparetime · 21/10/2011 07:14

I have become less judgey of parents as my DCs have grown up, I see a lot of children in my work in a day nursery and get asked for parenting advice a lot. Mostly things like "how do you get them to keep their coat on/ eat lunch/ line up nicely? They won't do that at home". My answer is usually along the lines of "they know whatever they do, you have to love them, with us lot, they're not so sure, we could pass them to another staff member"
I do wonder if acceptable behaviour has slipped though, as often my DCs are randomly praised by strangers for "good" behaviour, when I think it's basic stuff e.g. Sitting down all through a meal, taking plates back to the counter at a cafe etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2011 07:30

I think 'polite child = good parents'... probably from age 4 up. The test is not how they behave with you (because children will always challenge their parents) but with others.

BOOareHaunting · 21/10/2011 07:38

Not at all. Although pre-DS I probably did

DS is well behaved for the most part - as in if he's asked to stop something he will but I wouldn't call myself a great parent, I just set boundaries and haven't deviated from them and have a compliant child.

My friend who I would say is a better parent than me - more patience, much more positive praise has 2 DD's who are a challenge! Mostly because the boundaries are blurred but I don't think this makes a bad parent.

Parenting is more than just disapline. In fact we have both learnt from each other - she has clearer boundaries and I have more patience and more positivity and it shows. Her DD's are fa better behaved and although DS' behaviour is no different I do think he seems happier and we certainly have more cuddles now.

IMVHO a great parent is one who tries their hardest, admits when things aren't working and tries to put them right.

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ballstoit · 21/10/2011 07:49

I think it depends what you define as 'good' behaviour, and what is 'bad'. Some people think answering back is bad, I think that is my child having a discussion with me. A friend often boasts that her DD never has a tantrum, I think that's because she never gets told no and is mostly too entranced by the TV to do anything. Similarly she is really pleased that her DD never gets dirty, that makes me feel very sad.

In the main, I do think that children's behaviour is related to parent's behaviour. Whatever the reason - whether it's time, money, variations in children's personality, interference from older siblings - parents don't treat all their children the same and this does explain very different behaviour in siblings.

I agree with BOO on what makes a great parent.

grumplestilskin · 21/10/2011 14:58

I think even with twins they can get labelled early on as the clever/bookworm one or the sporty one or the more chatty one, and get parented differently according to their labels. Or one could have been much more poorly as a newborn and that can affect the dynamics too. So many many things all add up to no two siblings having exactly the same experience of their families IMO

Teetik · 21/10/2011 15:02

I don't think well-behaved children = good mother, not one bit, and the reason is this:
I was an incredibly well-behaved child because I was bullied and hit by my mother.

I can see it in a child I know: he's a normal child who is emotionally bullied into perfect behaviour, always has been. I've seen it happen to him and it makes me very very sad. His parents think they are excellent.

I've also seen - as we all have - a wide range of compliance in children. I've seen a two-year-old listen, stop what she was doing, and follow complicated instructions. At that age we could just about get ds to stop something if we physically lifted him away from it, and even then it was touch and go

grumplestilskin · 21/10/2011 18:37

good point teetik! and it does also really depend on how people define well behaved. To me it's polite but self assured at the same time, to others its meek and quiet

Pagwatch · 21/10/2011 18:41

I think well behaved usually = decent parents and a big dollop of luck

Badly behaved can mean anything from terrible parents to the best parents in the world and a lot of bad luck

lagrandissima · 21/10/2011 18:42

Nope. I sometimes wonder 'street angel, house devil' though!

AnxiousElephant · 21/10/2011 22:42

lag I have those DD1 was always chatty with people she knew well, keyworkers etc always polite and smiling. One of these keyworkers commented on her being an absolute angel! Her opinion soon changed when I took a video of dd in one of her meltdowns which they had never witnessed! . She believed me when I said how difficult she could be at home then.

AnxiousElephant · 21/10/2011 22:44

I did fear that they thought I was a bully mum who didn't give dc any freedom at home because she was impeccably well behaved for 3

PureBloodMuggle · 21/10/2011 22:49

if i'm honest i tend to think it a reflection on the father, more than the mother. Not sure why, possibly because the children i know who are 'badly' behave have fairly disinterested / slack fathers

AnxiousElephant · 21/10/2011 22:53

I think that is a good point PMB, same here.....friends with awfully behaved dc have got dads who don't play/ engage with them or the mothers are ambivalent towards them [pondering expression]

AblativeAbsolute · 21/10/2011 23:16

I think my answer would be yes, to an extent. Now that I have children of my own I would never judge a parent on one example of bad behaviour (eg a tantrum in a supermarket) - that happens to everyone. But consistently bad behaviour or rudeness? Yes, I think there is probably an element of bad parenting, particularly if the child is actually unkind (rather than just 'naughty'). Incidentally, I don't think 'bad parenting' always = 'bad parent' - some parents are just bad at some bits of parenting. Eg a friend of mine (who I hope doesn't use MN!!) has a son who is quite selfish and always grabs toys from other children. When I watch this happen, it is notable that the mum pretty much never intervenes (or she does, but then relents if her son gets really upset or stroppy). So the behaviour is not that surprising, really. But I wouldn't say she is a 'bad mother' - she's just got a bit of blind spot about this particular issue (I'm sure we all have about certain issues).

Also, don't wish to offend, but I agree with grumple that it is impossible to parent two children the same way. With DS2 I'm finding that although my general attitude is the same (though I'm much more confident and relaxed this time round), his experience of life is VERY different from that of DS1. I don't have nearly as much time to spend with him one to one (he's lucky if he gets three stories a day, whereas DS1 probably got 30), he's left to his own devices much more, and of course he has an older brother to play with. A very, very different upbringing (though I'm not saying nature isn't very important as well).

NellyTheElephant · 22/10/2011 22:40

Oh yes - I do......, and hate myself for it. I KNOW that it's not the case exactly but when I see perfect brilliantly behaved children i just think 'how does the mother do it, what's her secret? WHY is she a better mother then me?' as my three monsters are no doubt causing havoc and mayhem and making everyone believe I am a terrible mother - including me, who will go home thinking that yes, indeed I am a terrible mother..... So am I? When my three (on occasion) behave impeccably and someone else's children behave appallingly I find myself secretly smirking on what a great mother I am. I know it is stupid and irrational and not good for any of us but honestly - yes I think lots of us DO feel good child = good parent.

AblativeAbsolute · 22/10/2011 22:56

And also, it may sound like a flippant argument, but here goes.....

If we thought kids' behaviour was all luck and nothing to do with parenting, then why the bollocks would we all bother trying to be good parents ?

BluddyMoFo · 22/10/2011 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllieG · 22/10/2011 23:02

I did before I had kids. Now I know this not to be true - my kids are often horrendous, despite me being an amazing parent

quirrelquarrel · 23/10/2011 19:02

I think a lot depends on how consistent you are. Sometimes consistency isn't an option. A lot has to do with all the modern pressures. And it's also got everything to do with environment. Kids are little sheep most of the time, in the nicest way possible.

Beamur · 23/10/2011 19:07

I used to. Then I had stepkids and then my own...
I think how your child behaves is in part their home environment and in part their personality. But agree with AblativeAbsolute - most children will behave badly some of the time, but a child who behaves badly most of the time, I will be questioning the effectiveness of their parents.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 23/10/2011 19:13

Interesting question. Pre-having children of my own, I don't think I thought the mother's parenting skills were generally lacking if the child misbehaved (or indeed, the father's), but I probably fell into the classic trap of thinking "If any child of mine did that, I would....." or "I would never allow a child of mine to act like that..." etc.

Now I appreciate just how challenging parenting can be, so I tend to think "There, but for the grace of god go I..." if I see a child kicking off.

However nowadays I probably would make an internal assessment of the parenting on display depending on the age of the child, what they were doing and how the parent was dealing with the situation. But I still wouldn't assume it was down to someone being a "bad mother" per se - the most capable mum in the world can sometimes get pushed to breaking point, or have moments of inattention or inappropriate reactions to situations - nobody's perfect!

As a post script, I can't help noticing when I have my fix of Supernanny that she almost always diagnoses a failure on the parent's/parents' part to impose sensible boundaries and to give sufficient positive attention to their LOs in cases where behaviour has got out of control. I don't always agree with Jo Frost's methods, but I think she's got something about the boundaries/attention thing....

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