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Original poster

Was I wrong to tell 6 year old DS we're all going to die?

43 replies

heinztomatosoup · 14/10/2011 19:19

During a conversation today about my childhood, DS (who is sensitive) asked about my Mum, who died before he was born. He asked why people die, and if he would die one day? I always have a policy of telling the truth so answered 'yes', obviously sugar coating it with it will be years away when you are very old etc.

He was very upset and then when he asked whether I would die one day I again had to agree but when he became hysterical I realised I had maybe made a mistake and started talking about the soul never dying but instead going to heaven and living forever in paradise with all the people you love.

He was still upset as he was worried I would go to heaven before him and leave him. I eventually managed to change the subject but he is still very subdued.

Was I wrong to tell him the truth?

OP posts:

frutilla · 14/10/2011 21:28

Agree you have to be careful with words, I had lots of phobias as a toddler about death. I've avoided it with my 3 year old although has been discussed re birds and plants etc.

AllOverIt · 14/10/2011 21:31

Jareth we had to prepare our DS that FIL was going to die last January. We just said he was going up in the sky and he would watch down on us and look after us. He recorded a little video on my iPhone and played it to FIL on the hospital when we were saying goodbye.

It was hard and horrible but the kids got DH through it. DS asked questions during the darkest times and it made DH talk about it and think about it when it was painful and he said it helped.

So sorry you're going through this

JarethTheGoblinKing · 14/10/2011 21:31

I'm wondering if something like a flower analogy might help? Short enough time span so that the child can see it growing, flowering, seeding etc?

Or maybe just the blunt, honest truth

DS seemed terrified at the idea that animals die. He refuses to accept where meat comes from (he thinks sausages come from pigs in a similar way to eggs coming from chickens despite my best efforts). We were talking about pets, and them dying, and even the idea of it made him sob uncontrollably (he doesn't even have a pet yet).

oh.. I'm worried for him :(

AllOverIt · 14/10/2011 21:31

Cross posts Jareth

Harecare · 14/10/2011 22:32

I don't think knowing about death makes you lose your innocence. At some point most kids think about it and the more honest and matter of fact and blase (can't do the accent on the keyboard) about it you are the easier they will come to terms with it and move on to something else.

babycham42 · 14/10/2011 22:52

I can understand what Mumbling is saying though.If they haven't asked directly and there has been no event to necessitate talking about death,I wouldn't bring it up with them when they're little.

BarryKent I hope your daughter is OK now.

BleedyGhoulzombiez · 14/10/2011 23:33

DS wouldn't go for the balloon analogy if I tried it, either. I've told him lovely things such as: we all become stars in the sky ("I don't want to become a star in the sky, Mummy, I just want to be with you and Daddy"); or our bodies become part of the soil and help flowers and trees to grow ("I don't want my body to turn into soil, Mummy, I just want to be with you and Daddy"). Jeez, Louise, what's a mum to do?!

GrimmaTheNome · 14/10/2011 23:51

I knew we wouldn't be able to avoid it with DD - when she was 3 we had a great-uncle on his way out, all gps in their 80s and a beloved dog - so when a goldfish died we solemnly interred it under the honeysuckle and I explained how it would become part of the soil and feed the lovely flowers.

Then when poor old uncle died, she knew he was ill and we told her pretty straightforwardly that when old people get very ill they die; a story that helped was 'Badgers parting gifts' - she asked for it repeatedly. Thoughtful, not upset.

I don't believe in an afterlife, so I didn't mention anything like that - I think it would have just been a complication. The only hint of 'becoming stars' would have been from the Lion King.

babycham42 · 15/10/2011 00:02

It's a minefield isn't it?I was worried that if I talked about going to sleep and not waking up ,they'd be scared to go to sleep.I don't believe in Heaven so couldn't honestly put that one on the table.
I just explained they wouldn't be able to see that person again but we would still remember them.Brings tears to my eyes now to even think of it.

Sleepglorioussleep · 15/10/2011 08:37

Quite matter of fact here. Dd,6, quite often says great gm is going to die soon. She's 96 so it is true and she's been poorly. Usually followed up by "I don't want you to die mummy". To which I say that people usually die when they're very old. If I say people die when they're old then she'll spot the logic gap as we know of a child who died and another child's mum. I don't think she's overly hung up in it and she'll be able to trust what we say.

Yama · 15/10/2011 08:53

Had your dh lied to your son then that would have been an 'error of judgement'.

You cannot lie to children about death. Agree re language. Don't say 'lost', 'asleep', 'somewhere else' as they won't get the permanence aspect of death.

We lost a young close family member when dd was 4. She was obsessed with death for a while. There were times when I would have loved to have lied to make her feel better but I know we did the right thing. She is no longer obsessed but has a healthy regard for life and death.

An0therName · 17/10/2011 19:39

agree 6 is quite old - my DS was 3 or 4 - had a lot of dicussions with him - you can't protect your kids from truth - it is difficult and sad but what is the alternative -

BarryKent · 17/10/2011 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notevenamOoOooOoooosie · 18/10/2011 07:08

Not wrong at all. We lost our lovely cat just before DD turned 3, and then my mum died this year when DD was 4.5, who was very important to my DD. We have a couple of books recommended through Winston's Wish, and we get them out occasionally. We talk about my mum, DD's grandma, a lot, and the cat, who got flattened, is a good example of people dying before their time iyswim. My mum was actually pretty young (60) but DD doesn't think so and I've not brought that up yet. She does say she will never leave home because people only lose their mums when they don't live at home any more. I gently point out this isn't the case but not with any urgency.

I think part of the reason so many adults struggle with death is that it wasn't talked about or modelled well in our own childhoods so you are doing him a favour for the years to come. But I work with people with life-limiting illnesses so maybe I feel that more strongly than most.

emlu67 · 18/10/2011 20:34

I think you did the right thing too.

When DD was 5 her friend's Mum passed away aged only 30 after a long illness. I sat down with DD and explained that when people get very ill sometimes the doctors do not have the right medicine to make them better. We both had a cry and I explained that her friend's mum was in heaven looking down on her DD and all her family and friends. She accepted it very well but was upset for quite a few weeks. Since then we have told her that usually people only die in old age or otherwise through illness or accident.

We have had the expected 'I don't want you to die Mummy and want to be with you forever' but I really think honesty in a 'sugar-coated' way is best, there really is no avoiding the issue, it is part of life.

Susemyoli · 20/10/2011 19:03

Had the same issue with my daughter who is 5 years old. She asked me one night before going to bed where my mum was. And I told her she went to heaven. She kept asking questions non stop, she was slightly upset, but not too much. The next day we were all sitting down watching TV and she asked:"daddy, how old are you?" my DH replied 40. She then said:"mummy, he is nearly there, I don't want him to go to heaven!"

BertieBotts · 20/10/2011 19:19

DS is 3 and doesn't get the idea of death at all. I haven't specifically brought it up, but it's come up with insects he's accidentally (or not ) squashed etc. He just thinks it's funny. My brother was the same at his age - I remember he drew me a picture. "What's this, DB?" "It's a monster!" "Oh, that's nice, look he has lovely wiggly arms. What does the monster like doing?" "It kills!" And pointing to a load of flies stuck on some flypaper. "They're DEAD!! Hahahahahahaha!" It's strange with DS because I've always made it clear that it isn't a good thing to kill things, even if they are only ants.

I'm guessing that they only really understand when a person or animal that they know dies. I was just surprised to see that people posted their toddlers were upset when insects etc were killed.

Barry I hope your DD makes a full recovery. :)

Familydilemma · 23/10/2011 10:31

Okay-so dd, 6, is talking about death again. Asked today when great grandma going to die (she's 96). And she's apparently going to make her a card when she does! We just go matter of fact with it all.

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