No more babies - how to come to terms with it?

[Allegrogirl]

I only ever planned to have 2 DC and that's what's I've got so why do I feel so sad? DD1 is nearly 4 and DD2 is 13 months. They're wonderful but I feel there is something missing. Maybe it's because I found it so much easier the second time and actually enjoyed the new born stage, or maybe it's because I always imagined having a son (although 2 girls are wonderful and I have no complaints).

We are too old, poor and knackered to have any more. I've been so exhausted I think a third would break me. And I hate being pregnant. And yet I think of having another baby in my arms. Is this common and do the feelings fade with time?

DH has had the snip and so baby number 3 not a possibility.

I'm 31 and patiently awaiting grandchildren now.

i think it does fade a bit.

the way i cope is by focusing on my own dc and also my sister's and friends' children, i've got more time and energy for them.

i would also like to foster when mine are a bit older - have you thought about doing that?

it is hard though, because however draining the reality of small children is, the idea of another one is incredibly seductive.

You may not have more babies but you have children

I have shite pregnancies, terrible sleepers and a DH who is away a lot

A baby, a toddler and a school ager, would, in reality break me

Am enjoying them growing up, becoming more independent and bits of my old life coming back

Sounds like you need a new purpose. If your whole life is baby/small child oriented and then they suddenly don't need you quite so much you'll be at a lose end. That's when you need to start working on the next phase i.e. life after kids. Do you work? Do you have interests outside the home? Do you feel valuable for other attributes besides motherhood?

I think its very common especially when your baby about 1 -I have similar reasons for not wanting a third - also old..and DH would divorce me.. but I think about having another - again found it easier 2nd time etc
think it does fade - and as the younger one gets older life will get easier and further away from the baby stage and then makes it easier as well

I think that you will find that it sort of wears off after a while. Particularly as your life starts to open up again as the smallest one gets older. I do have 3 (but always had a bit of a tug at the heart strings for another), but now youngest is 2 and a half, out of nappies, soon to start nursery my life is so much easier and also more fulfilling - the children have so much to offer as they grow up, we can just do so much more as no longer held back by the demands of the smallest one etc that I find the thought of going back to the baby stage now horrifies me and when I hear of friends / family expecting I no longer get that 'pang' of jealousy. I do think that the time around 1 yr is definitely the hardest - as they move out of the baby stage and you have a craving for another tiny one.

I was a bit like that when DD2 was about 1, but DH has always been clear that 2 is enough. Now DD2 is 2.5 and a strong personality, our family feels complete. And I do love the practicality of being able to go away with no cot/ pushchair/ nappies ( we travelled across Europe with 1 suitcase between the 4 of us this summer, couldn't have done that when in the baby stages, probably wouldn't have wanted to either!)

I feel this way too - I have 2 DC, which is a miracle in itself, so feel greedy and ungrateful to wish for another .. and I know I coudn't cope physically or financially - but that's my head speaking and my heart says something else. I think when you know you really can't have more (as in your case - and mine) the finality of it, and the lack of choice, makes it harder. Think its hard when the youngest moves out the baby stage - mine is nearly 2 now.

Think of the positives: sleep getting better, communication getting better, your figure getting better. Then in a while ... no more nappies, no more buggy, no more aches and pains from having to pick them up so much!

It is hard to realise there won't be any more babies, I know I struggled for quite a while.

BUT, I now get sleep, I get nights out, I get evenings with my husband where we can talk, I get warm meals and I eventually got used to it.

Took a while though.

I know how you feel. I always wanted three and when we had our second I always had in my mind that we would have another after him. However, the time never came, I just found that the boys have got more and more demanding and the time has never been right. I still want another one but am constantly tired and stressed and feel that I don't give the ones I have enough good attention. My youngest has just started school and I work freelance. Everyone is going on about how great it is to get their lives back etc. I am going out a lot more now and have a wider group of friends than before. But my heart isn't really into getting on with my life I just want to do the baby thing all over again. I think if I didn't have to work we would have gone ahead and had another one but I have to work around the children to avoid childcare costs and this would be too hard with a third.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm sure the ache will ease off as life gets a bit easier. DD2 was screaming on/off all Wednesday night which has reminded me how tough life was with a newborn. I am very grateful that they now both sleep very well at night (daytime a whole world of non-napping pain however).

Cogito I work 3.5 days in a fairly demanding public sector finance role, have plenty of pre and post baby friends, belly dancing and zumba plus lots of dizzy plans for days out and holidays with DH and the girls. So much to look forward to which makes the baby ache harder to understand.

Just hoping brother and his gf get their skates on and reproduce soon!

Ah, so many others feel like this too... Thank goodness for MN!!I've been struggling with this for quite a few months now. Have two DC (youngest 14 mo) and although I know we just cannot go ahead with having three children, the thought still is there. What ifs...

In the same breath, I couldn't go through pregnancy again (fear of M/C) and the sleepless nights. It would probably break me, like quite a few others have admitted on here too.

Life will get easier for everyone and it's a new stage to look forward to when the DC grow up and we can really enjoy being a family of four beyond the baby stage.

I just keep reminding myself that it is totally natural to feel like that! I knew when pregnant that this little girl was my last but I also accepted that I would yearn a bit and thats ok too! Im run off my feet my kids are so busy and I work full time so I have all the practical and real reasons for not having another but babies are so lovely esp as you mentioned when you can enjoy them etc cause you dont feel so green. I love that my little girl is on the go and watching her grow is such a treat but I miss my baby too. Being a mother of a newborn is so special it just cant be explained to non mums I think its entirely natural to miss that and pine for it a little plus... its nature - thats how the the human race keeps going!!

Totally empathise. I would say to all if you, do it, have more. Have 6! Mine are now nearly 17 and 14 and we are close and loving and have a wonderful life etc, I so so wish I'd had more, and even though I'm 47 now, I still hanker.

This has made me smile I think today I have decided I actualy do want a third . Mine are 3.5 and 14 months . I'm bridesmaid in July for my best friend so wouldn't consider trying until after then.
My head says your crazy my heart pines to hold a newborn again. Yes it will me crazy for 1st 5 years , yes il be stressed at times (a lot) but it WILL settle down eventualy and I won't live with regret of not just doing it. It's added pressure on my dp to keep providing . We've spoke about it Tomght for the 1st time he says right now he's happy with 2 but it's not off the table. I don't really want to give birth again but I also really want to???? I don't want the 3 weeks of cracked nipples even tho I really want to feel a baby feeding from me. Think I'm going to just do it. Head down get on with it. I've had so much joy this last 2 months with my kids. They are really starting to play together and bond. I feel sad aswel thinking that's it for us. I'm blessed with 2 if I'm lucky to get a third WOW x

I felt the same when my kids were your age. Now there 3 and 6 and the feeling has pasted. No more nappies, buggies, changing bags, potties, feeding etc. but lots of fun, easy family days out, walks, bike rides, swimming, reading books together and finally a bit of time to myself where they will be playing nicely or watching a film together. Able to work more hours as well so a bit more income.

Bedsheets4knickers I feel the same as you but mine are older (11 & 8). I yearn to have another but not sure I want another section, would dearly love to breast feed again too, my heart aches at the thought of not doing it ever again. I'm worried I've left too late now, the age gap would be too big.

You have littlies though, you should go for it!! X

Hi there, I'm in the same boat as what you stated in your comment. I know this is an old thread, but I wondered if i could ask how you got on? Did you go for your 3rd or finally the ache lessened? I hope you're happy and all is well either way. Many thanks 🙏

I think that there is a biological component at play. I had almost intolerable baby lust while they were small that has eased as they got older.

On any logical or practical level I knew I should be done; I hated pregnancy, I was a witch with sleep deprivation and I’m already stretched to capacity. But I just ached for more.

I did have a pregnancy scare that somewhat focused the mind. I went overnight from “another baby would be lovely” to “oh shit what have we done” and after that it was easier to see the waves of baby lust as mother nature’s rather than mine.

I have 2, a boy and a girl (if I'm honest this is what I wanted) and I still yearn for another one. It's not going to happen for many reasons! And that does make me sad but I just try to enjoy the 2 I have. I really love the fact I can give them both a lot of attention. My friend has 6 children and she's a brilliant mother. However, I do see that her attention is spread thin. With 2 children I can spend a lot of quality time with each child. I've often spent a whole afternoon sitting and colouring with my daughter, for example, or playing monopoly with my son. I think that's wonderful. They're growing up so quickly that I want to enjoy them as much as I possibly can.

I find babies very hard work.
I have a 5 year old and a 5 month old and I still don't accept dd2 as my last 😂🤣 but I had pre eclampsia the first time and a prem birth and a very very unsettled baby and just don't want to take the chance again. Had hyperemesis to
Dd2 pregnancy and babyhood has been totally different. I didn't vomit once or ever feel sick, no pre eclampsia, normal birth and a settled baby but just don't think I can go through it all again

Babies are the worst. I'd come to terms with it with a nice long sleep.

I'm so glad I made the choice not to have any more. DS3 (DC4) has ADHD and appears to be getting worse. I'd be exhausted if I threw a newborn into the mix. I'm exhausted already.