Unconditional parenting advice

[Gauchita]

I apologise for the length of this post in advance.

DD is 2.4 years old. We started using the unconditional parenting approach about 5 months ago after reading Mr. Kohn's book. I was able to see results fairly quickly, if I'm honest. We changed the way we approached DD and her behaviour improved a lot. Even though she had never had "tantrums" per se, she had a period of bolting whenever we went out, for example, and throwing stuff at home, and UP helped a lot to improve that; she stopped running away from us when out and about, and responded really well to us talking to her and explaining her why "this was not OK" etc etc.

Then DS was born 6 weeks ago and it all went upside down It's evidently hard for her to get used to having a little brother, and the fact that he gets attention, but she's changed SO much. She started hitting or slapping him whenever we weren't looking, so we've had to be hawks whenever she is near him. We explained and explained but she does it anyway if no one is around. She also slaps us (on our legs, as we're standing next to her), and again, no amount of talk will disuade her atm. She screams when frustrated and talks as if "telling us off" (she speaks Spanish and English so it's all a bit mixed and not too clear at the moment). I try and spend time with her daily doing stuff, painting, doing some artwork, playing house, etc, so that she doesn't feel left aside or less important...

She's also turned really fussy with her food, she won't try anything new and even things she used to eat are now "yucky". It worries me so much. I can't believe she can eat so little and be OK. Again, we've explained things but nothing... DH finds it much harder not to throw lots of "ifs" in the air. He's doing it quite frequently these days in an attempt to make her eat or do something or prevent her from doing something.

The worst thing is she'll do ANYTHING you tell her not to do, from throwing things, to standing 1 inch in front of the TV, to not pouring a whole glass of water on the floor, having a bath, having her nappy changed... The list is endless these days, and I'm finding it quite hard to stop her from doing some of those things when breastfeeding DS or holding him for whatever reason. She literally looks at me and does something as she knows I can't do anything to stop her This morning she slapped DS on his head; I didn't see it coming (I was holding him) and I felt so bad I couldn't help but cry. DH took her to one side and started talking to her and explaining her why that was not OK but she just giggled and refused to even look at him.

Has anyone gone through similar situations and managed to handle them using UP? Any advice or suggestions will be HUGELY appreciated.

You say she responded well to having things explained to her. Why not explain to her what babies need. Just as she did, he needs more attention that children and adults because he's tiny and helpless. You looked after her just the same way, so she could grow up to be a lovely big girl and now it's his turn to be looked after. he doesn't get quite as much attention as she had at his age, because you are very busy sometimes, playing with her, but he must get enough so that he can grow big and strong like her, because that's how good parents and sisters behave.

Also, maybe be very specific about what she can do that he can't, such as, give him his milk then we'll have a biscuit or apple with ours, which he can't have because he's only a baby. Let her see the advantages of being her age. He can't play on the swings yet etc.

I think most children feel ousted by the arrival of the second one. Her reaction is normal, but still needs to be stopped.

Have you read Playful Parenting? It's another book in the same vein as UP and How to Talk, but deals specifically with using parent-child play to work through anything a child is having problems with.

From my understanding of the book ( and your situation), your DD is upset at being replaced as your "baby", so maybe you could play at her being the baby again. Make a game of carrying her like a baby, encourage her to pretend cry like a baby, maybe even give her a bottle of milk if she's stopped having bottles months ago/never had one. You could even pretend to wash her in the baby bath if you have one.

Sparkly, coincidentally I ordered "How to talk..." off eBay on Wednesday night after reading a few articles on the "Aha! Parenting" site that recommended it. I'll get it in a couple days so we'll see! Nursery staff are being really supportive, fortunately. They even asked me whether I wanted them to implement with her the exact same things we do at home when she misbehaves, bless them. They also said there are a couple of children with newly born siblings behaving the same way so not to worry too much

LoveBeing, yup, showed her some more pictures yesterday and she called DS's name in all of them, nothing will convince her

Racing, I tend to go through what DS can't do/have almost all the time now after she tried to give him yogurt. I like the idea of highlighting to her what she can do due to being older/ a big girl, maybe she'll understand that better.

Silkenladder, DH did that the other day and it seemed to work. She started crying very much like a tiny baby at bedtime, as she didn't want to go to bed. DH played along, asked her if she was a baby as well and cuddled her, and even pretended to cry a little himself... she seemed a bit confused, stopped crying and went to sleep She hasn't done it since so fingers crossed

Yesterday was a tricky day, but fortunately there were no slapping incidents, not even an attempt. Mealtimes were horrid but I'm really trying to pick my fights these days... I need to find a way to channel all this frustration, though, as I'm very very patient all day but inside I want to scream! Any ideas?

Today I tried talking about what she was feeling. Now, I don't know whether it was because of the language or something else, but she didn't seem to get it too much... she looked at me but lost interest almost immediately and toddled off to do something else. I'll try again, though, as I think it might be a very good approach.

"today I tried talking about what she was feeling" - that didn't work because that's what adults do, not what kids do!!!

You need to try reading Playful Parenting - kids will easily give you the answers you want from them via the language of play,but you will get nowhere by sitting down and talking about their feelings.

i sympathise with so much - i have an 8month old and a 2yr old being v.v.difficult (and a 3yr old who was a saintly 2yr old in comparison!). it's really hard to find a balance of explaining and talking to him and saying too much where he switches off. it's really hard to find the right level with him but most of the time it's like he just can't help it or stop himself no matter what i do.
giving him no attention is one thing which seems to work. i've even started putting him in his room and closing the door for a few seconds when he's totally climbing the walls and won't listen. i must have done it a dozen times yesterday (he was being v.v.v.v.difficult and screaming/shouting non-stop) but today he's been a little angel!

EssentialFattyAcid, I meant "talked to her" in the way Sparklyboots explained in her posts. I've ordered Playful Parenting now as well. I think it might be especially useful for us given she's struggling a bit with language at the moment.

Naturalbaby, that's exactly it! It's as if she can't control herself/can't help doing some things, like the kissing/slapping incident on Wednesday. Hope it gets better for you as well soon.