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Original poster

Delegating parental responsibilities to grandparents

42 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 07/10/2011 13:03

my friend has a two year old son and a baby due next year. Since her son was born she has continued with her partner to go out at weekends, leaving her baby/now toddler over night with her mum or partners mum.
My husband and I are the sole carers for our son as we like the consistency that provides him and we don't like to put on others. We do go out but only once a month together and then babysit for each other to see friends every so often.
Since being pregnant for a second time my friend has taken to staying at her mums with her son as she is finding it difficult. The grandparents seem to have the grandchild for a 3rd of the time which seems a lot. The grandparents have even taken on their dog so they don't have to walk it.
I am concerned as a friend that she does not seem to be coping as i and my other friends do all this and work without any support. Also when her son is with her she meets up with friends who seem to do all the running around.
Am I right to think that either she isn't coping or needs to be more realistic about the never ending responsibilities of parenthood?

OP posts:

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hardboiledpossum · 07/10/2011 19:13

This sounds like a lovely arrangement. She isn't leaving him with a stranger, she's leaving him with extended family who he is presumably very attached too. I can't quite understand what you think the problem is.

grumplestilskin · 07/10/2011 19:17

lucky her! takes a village to raise a child and I don't believe the idea of a self sufficient 2 parent bubble is best for a child. I wish my LO had more extended family input and we bite hand off at every chance to have him raised by a wider group of loved ones!

I'm wildly jealous of not just her but her LOs too! I didn't have that kinda grandparent input growing up and am a but of people I knew who grew up with grandparents and aunties houses that were their second homes!

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 07/10/2011 20:53

christ I hope my friends don't bitch about me like this

My DS also spends a lot of time with my parents, I often feel guilty about the amount that I "ship him off" but if it weren't for my amazing mother I wouldn't be able to work as I earn such a pittance it doesn't come close to covering childcare and is in theatre so a bit all over the place, I can't commit to regular nursery.

Also I am frankly a much better mother when I am combining motherhood and working, because I work in such an unstable industry - although DH has a regular job - staying at his Gp's means DS gets some more stability when I'm not home. DH and I get on better and are much better parents when we've had some quality time together too. My mum even just had my son for six days so the two of us could go on a pre2nd baby holiday together.

The guilt stops when mum calls up asking when she can next have DS - and as we're moving across the world I'm so grateful that DS has set u a formative close relationship with my folks.

Take your judgey pants off and stop being so bloody patronising - concern my arse, god how I hate competitive parenting. For your information I only cope with being a mother because of the help I receive.

Oh, and I regularly have a raft of friends who help too, so there

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Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 08/10/2011 08:42

Watch the guidelines on this site. If you can't be polite then don't use the site. If you ask me you all sound a bit smug yourselves, or should I say defensive! Ta ta

OP posts:

pictish · 08/10/2011 08:47

I agree with the others - sorry.
You don't need to 'worry' about her domestic set up
Not that you're 'worried' of course, you're being bitchy.

LilRedWG · 08/10/2011 08:55

Only read the first post but I would say it's none of your business, closely followed by MN is a good place to have a good judge (we all do it, so ignore anyone who says otherwise). :)

RitaMorgan · 08/10/2011 09:00

It sounds a little unhealthy and possessive for you and your husband to insist on being the sole carers of your son OP.

Meglet · 08/10/2011 09:00

It's only recently that children haven't grown up without an extended family around them. I'm a better, happier, healthier parent when I get a decent break from my kids.

I wish I had more family help (like I used to), but my dad died and XP is a nut-job whose parents don't like locally. It's all down to me and my mum these days.

OrangeFlamingo · 08/10/2011 09:06

You sound nasty to me, glad you're not my 'friend'.

WoTmania · 08/10/2011 09:13

You sound....urm......nice
Sounds like a great arrangement that suits everyone involved. And her Dc will have a lovely relationship with their grandparents.

WoTmania · 08/10/2011 09:21

And some people (me included) find pregnancy much harder than having a NB. I used to go over to my see my parent's regularly when pg wiht DC3 so I could sleep in their spare bed while they watched the DSs. My DSs loved seeing my parents and my parents loved seeing my DSs. I needed much less 'help' once DD was born as I could sleep.

wigglesmonsterock · 08/10/2011 09:47

God my parents live about a 10 minute drive from me and they see my three all the time, they have the two eldest dds overnight once a month or so, dd1 always asks to stay more often , my parents have a tv in their bedroom! My husband works shifts and if he works all weekend, I decamp to my parents and let the girls play there. My dad in particular loves seeing them (he still works, so can't see them midweek).

With regards to their dog, I have a dog, my parents would love one, but aren't sure if they want one full-time, so sometimes I send my dog up to stay , they love having her about, and they love walking her, brushing her etc, so your friend could actually be doing her parents a favour.

cory · 08/10/2011 12:13

Ticklemonster2 Sat 08-Oct-11 08:42:11
"Watch the guidelines on this site. If you can't be polite then don't use the site. If you ask me you all sound a bit smug yourselves, or should I say defensive! Ta ta"

Seeing that my family is at the other end of the North Sea, I don't know what I would have to be defensive of: I certainly have never had the opportunity of leaving dcs with other people. I believe I have dealt well and capably with a range of difficult situations, including having both dcs diagnosed with debilitating chronic conditions.

But then I have had the great fortune to bring them up without having a group of supposed friends hovering like vultures over me to pick up any little sign that I am not as "strong" as they are. For this I am profoundly grateful.

You don't need to be defensive to see that someone who judges another person on an arrangement that is the norm in most other countries (and until recently was the norm in this country) is either very ignorant- or perhaps a tad defensive herself.

Putrifyno · 08/10/2011 17:18

Defensive, or secretly jealous.....

halcyondays · 10/10/2011 17:12

Well it's up to them, isn't it? Dh and I wouldn't want to palm our dc off on gps as much as some people seem to although we would love to have the chance to have a break. I was very grateful to my mil when she used to take dd1 for a couple of hours when I was pg with dd2 as I was absolutely shattered and it gave me a chance to rest. We don't have any family that can babysit any more. It's none of your business as long her DS is happy and well looked after. It's personal preference isn't it, there is nothing wrong with toddlers staying at gps overnight if you're lucky enough to have the option, nor is there anything wrong with having them sleep at home every night.

grumplestilskin · 10/10/2011 19:50

i wish I could be defensive, like I said my LO unfortunately doesn't have that set up, but I'ld love if he did! defensive? no, jealous of your friend? - hells yea!

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 11/10/2011 21:41

yup, i get defensive when i see mega judgey pants being hoiked on, especially when terms like "palmed off" are used

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