It does get better - I promise - but it does take nerves of steel to get there.
My DS was 9 months when he started nursery, so a bit younger than yours, but oh boy did he have separation anxiety! We went on holiday just before he started nursery and he refused to let his dad hold him at all - only mum would do. I had to take him to the loo with me because he was so clingy.
Anyway, he was hysterical when I left him for the first time. They called me after 35mins. The next time he stayed an hour and screamed the whole time. The next time 1.5hrs - screamed the whole time. And so on....
The nursery were really kind. I said that I wanted to come every day because I thought frequency of visits meant he would get the idea quicker that we went there and I always came back. So I did. For three weeks settling and then I forced my mum to stay for a week so he could do short days.
He got better slowly. First he cried a lot and had short breaks of being happier. He would be so upset when he saw me again and seemed clingier outside nursery.
But this only lasted a short time. The things that helped:
- the nursery told me to drop him and get straight out the room rather than hanging round when I left him there.
- my husband dropped him off more than me as my son seemed to find it less of a betrayal when his dad did it.
- the nursery asked lots about things he liked and tried them all. E.g., he likes music and so they put on a CD pretty much constantly for the first few weeks to distract him. If it worked even for 2 minutes, they tried it again and again.
Anyway, I know there is nothing anyone can say that really helps when it's your child crying and unhappy at nursery. I felt at the time that it must be a million times worse for my child than any other because he is so attached to me, but of course everyone feels that way!
He has now been at nursery for nearly five months and it probably took two for him to be reasonably tolerant of it. After three, I think he began liking it. After four, I could confidently say that he liked it and had half the staff at his beck and call. A few times recently, he hasn't even cried when I drop him off.
He is still a big fan of me and when he is not at nursery, he still wants to be attached to me whenever we are in the same room. But he is also very happy and no different in behaviour on weekend evenings, so I figure being close to me is just his personality/age. We are still very, very close and while I spent ages at the start of nursery settling thinking:
- maybe I shouldn't go back to work as this isn't right for my baby
- and this will affect my amazing relationship with my son forever
....that hasn't been true. While I miss him terribly at times, he seems so confident at nursery now (they rung me recently because he was a bit quiet because he is so cheery always - early crying now forgotten).
I can't say this will be your experience obviously, but I wanted to tell you that it can be awful, awful, awful and end up being ok. If you want to ask me anything at all, please do.
Good luck.