Help- ds1 hitting baby brother

[santagotstuckOOPSthechimney]

Ok mumsnet,
How do we tackle this one?
when ds2 cries (17 weeks, so is going to for a while), ds1 gets upset and stressed, he starts with cryig or shouting "no, babyXXXX" and then gets visibly more upset to the point that nhe hits near his brother's head and has hit his head a few times.
In all other ways he has coped very well with new baby and understands that he needs feeding, he helps with nappies and I give them both as much attention as \i can.
When baby is asleep, ds1 and I have lots of fun and cuddles.

I really think he gtes upset and then frustrated with not being able to stop the crying, and in a toddler way the only thing he can think of doing is to hit the source of the problem.

DH and I have talked alot about it, DH smacked ds1 today which shocked us all....they talked about it and dh fels that ds1 understands not to hit, as he could see how upset dh was afterwards too....
we want to suggest to ds1 what to do to stop him hitting, we need an alternative behaviour to suggest to him I think. I don't think shouting, telling off, discipline is the answer. i really think it is becuase he is upset.
Any answers???
Ds1 is 27months btw.

Please don't hit him that will make the problem worse as he may start to feel jealous or displaced by the new baby. A simple time out in the naughty step can do wonders if you , the parents are consistent. I'll get the Super Nanny book, it tells you how to reprimand effectively without the need of hitting, shouting or making him feel unloved.

have you tried focusing on what he should do rather than what he shouldn't do. when baby gets upset start stroking him and talk to ds1 about how much ds2 likes it. then slowly get him to come over and join you. if he goes to hit again try to interject before he hits and say 'stroke him he really likes it, thats it well done' type of thing. we have 3 ds's so understand how tricky this is. i've suggested stroking as cuddles can get a bit too physical in our experience (ds2 is 2 and a half) then wants to pick up ds3 or squeeze him a little bit too hard so we encourage him to stroke, massage or rub ds's back. also getting him involved with stopping the crying by asking ds1 to sing to ds2 a lullaby or ask ds1 'what do you think is the matter with ds2 - does he need some milk, does he need a new nappy' etc. they just want to feel involved. there is a good system we have found out about through my ds1's nursery called 'compassionate communication' also known as non-violent communication will try and link from a previous thread. i'm off to go and find it. it completely changed things around.

I usually get ds1 to kiss me alot more during the day these days, and he always kisses ds2 too. So there is alot of praise for this, and he gets loads of positive praise for everything that he does well, believe me.
Thanks for the posts, but you've missed the point a little. I was asking for somebody to help us with trying to explain to ds1 that when he feels that upset with the crying, he should do xxxx behaviour, not hitting.

Of course I agree that getting angry and hittin etc is not the way to fix it. I don't see how discipline will help as I don't think it is a "naughty" behaviour. I think it is a frustrated/stressed behaviour so making him go onto a naughty step will only add to it IMO.
Thanks for taking the time to help, I have just started a bit of "time out" with him for other things, and am pleased with the results. usually i give him a warning and tell him that his behaviour will result in xYz happenening if he carries on. We have never shouted at him, just firm and positive stuff really.

how about suggesting that he strokes the baby's head gently, or sings a song. my ds is almost 4 & gets very upset when his baby sister cries - i think he feels powerless & wants to help. he's very good at telling me what he thinks she needs, & regularly tells me to undo my bra so i can feed her!

links at the top of the thread might help
i would try and talk to your dh about hitting. it will just make things worse as he's hitting your ds1 to stop him from hitting which doesn't make any sense. it will teach your son that hitting is right and he will mirror the behaviour he is presented with and sees in the home.
best of luck

hmmm, stroking is a bit too close to hitting, sometimes he gets too excited when cuddling and ends up being a bit OTT.
Singing may well work, but he is a bit funny about that. i like to sing to him but sometimes he tells me to 2stop singing mummy" and won't play.

DH thought we should tell him to take 3 dep breaths and then stand still for a while, just to see if he will calm down and then chill.
I know toddlers get frustrated as the lack vocaubulary and have a sort of rudimentary way of dealing with stuff. i just want to help him get rid of the frustration and prevent poor ds2 getting a bashing.

thanks shrub,
you are right about the dh hitting him. he does understand this and i think just had a bad moment, npbody has ever shouted or hit ds1 before, so it was all a bit unusual. DH won't hit him ever again, he was really really upset about it. It was only a tap anyway, but i know that isn't the point.

Now, i don't want this thread to go down the hit/don't hit route. I am really asking for a way of helping ds1 channel his frustration....

the link didn't work, shrub

but it does sound helpful.....

bumping for the morning crew...i'm of to bed as had rough night with ds2 and dh has taken them all out.

we tried stroking this am, got a bit too physical and involved ds1 crying too.
we tried asking him to sing, flat refusal

any other ideas?

oops knackered mummy syndrome links
hope your having a better day.
is there a certain time of day when this is happening ie: when your trying to make tea? and you can't supervise? i have had good success when i give my ds2 a cup of flour in a bowl and lots of cups and spoons to distract. and its easy to sweep up afterwards