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Original poster

Am I too close to DD?

15 replies

bushymcbush · 26/09/2011 22:38

I have had an incredible bond with my dd (3) right from the start.

She is extremely fond of me - wants to cuddle with me all the time, but doesn't particularly want to cuddle her dad (my dh) or her grandparents, unless I'm not around. When I am around, she only wants to play with me / read books with me / cuddle with me etc, no one else. She tells me she loves me all the time.

We have co-slept most of her life but currently she is sleeping in her own bed at the insistence of dh. I would happily co-sleep for longer but I have to respect my DH's wishes too. I feel sad when I wake up in the morning and she hasn't come into our bed for a cuddle with me.

When at work I can't wait to rush home and be with her. We then spend the whole evening together. We also spend the whole weekend doing stuff together and I never get bored of her company.

DH has suggested that he thinks dd is 'too attached' and I brushed this off as ridiculous - how can a small child be too attached to their parent?

But it got me thinking. I'm now pregnant with DC2 and I'm wondering how a new baby is going to fit in with us. Will I love it as much as dd? How will dd cope with having to share me with another child?

I need some reassurance.

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lesstalkmoreaction · 26/09/2011 23:30

You will be just as besotted with dc 2, dd1 will have her moments when she wants you but if you still have your special cuddles she'll be fine. Having another child never takes away that bond with the first child. Dh can also get a look in with dd1 when you are with the baby and vice versa. Let your dh develop that close relationship as well with both of the children.
The fact that you have a strong bond with the first child should make her more confident to share you with her brother or sister, she is a perfect age to 'help' and be made to feel special. enjoy x

lesstalkmoreaction · 26/09/2011 23:34

Just to say I have 4 children and am besotted with my last born as much as I was with my first born. Its a very strange feeling when out shopping and suddenly realising that you haven't seen them for a few hours and have to go home and have a cuddle, except my youngest age 6 is the only one who will give me big sloppy kisses as his older siblings think i'm slightly nuts.

YoungMotherTubby · 26/09/2011 23:48

We're the same in this house. Was besotted with all mine and if I go out without my 19 month old (which is extremely rare) it feels as if I've an arm missing.
The others are older now - 3 teenagers and an 11 year old and I'm very aware if I haven't seen one of them for a few hours and worry about where they are and what they're doing.
One of them was still coming in beside me for cuddles when he was 6.
Bit by bit they will lose their dependence on you and sadly the invisible umbilical cord stretches further and further until 'OMG mum drop me off round the corner in case any of my mates see you!'
Enjoy the special closeness while you can

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matana · 28/09/2011 09:15

Completely besotted with mine too. The only problem i can see is your DH needs attention too - from you, that is.

notyummy · 28/09/2011 09:19

The only issue I would raise is perhaps you getting a bit of time with your DH, and your DH having a closer relationship with DD so he is able to do special things with her when you are feeding/sleeping with a new born. May lessen the blow to her of having mummy monopolised for a while by a new baby.

peggotty · 28/09/2011 09:31

The thing that jumps out from your post is the fact that your relationship with your dd seems to be exclusive of your dh. It is normal to feel very close to your dc, of course, but when it starts to exclude other people or things from your relationship with your dd, it may be time to consider teaching her that other people can provide as much love, entertainment etc as you. Maybe you should start to encourage your dd to sometimes allow other people to do things with/for her while you are there. I think that this will be helpful for both of you when your new baby arrives.

dearheart · 28/09/2011 10:32

My dd1 was always very attached to me, and quite rejecting of dh. School made a big difference to her relationship with dh - once she was out in the world she was able to appreciate him more I think.

MyBaby1day · 30/09/2011 02:06

too cute!!

ellesabe · 01/10/2011 23:00

You sound like a lovely mum :)

exoticfruits · 01/10/2011 23:21

I think that DH is missing out and he ought to be able to have time alone. I think that you ought to give him chance to bond in the same way-go out and leave him to it or let the 2 of them out to have fun. It is also going to be very difficult for the 2nd-are they always going to feel left out because the older one has such a strong bond-or is the older one going to be jealous?
There is nothing wrong with a strong bond, but you are equal parents and you seem to have the lion's share. Could you honestly say 'hand on heart' that you wouldn't mind if you were the parent who was left out?
I would do something about it.

exoticfruits · 01/10/2011 23:22

The only problem i can see is your DH needs attention too - from you, that is.

He needs it from his DD.

exoticfruits · 02/10/2011 08:02

I am sure that you will love it as much as DD1 so I don't see that as a problem. I do see it fitting in with DD1 as a problem-for DD1 because with the best will in the world she is going to have to share you. While it is a small baby you can get away with putting them on one side and concentrating on DD1, BUT you can't do that as soon as DC2 is old enough to notice. It must be horrible to be the second DC when the first has a special relationship. OK if DD1 wants a sibling and wants to include her, but what if she is deadly jealous and doesn't?

DD1 is 3 yrs old. How many times in that3yrs have you let DH bath her and put her to bed? How many times has he played with her while you got on with something or went out in the evening? How many days has he had her to look after while you went out for several hours? How many times has he done her meals or decided which clothes she should wear? How many times has she cuddled up to him in bed when you are not there?
How many times have you left her with grandparents or a babysitter and gone out with DH. How much chance has she had to be 'daddy's girl' or 'granny's girl'-I suspect that secretly you love the fact that she is a totally 'mummy's girl.

If the answer is none, or very few, I would start doing it all before the baby comes. Give him chance to bond. It doesn't mean that you have to distance yourself-just that you make sure that DH has the same opportunity as you to make the bond. If you are always there when he is there it isn't fair.

If she had eyes only for him, when you were there, you would be heartbroken and yet it seems to be OK the other way around.

The other scenario is that you get one of those horrid split families with Mummy's girl and Daddy's girl(or boy) and they both know which they are.(Daddy and 2nd DC have to bond because they are excluded from the other special relationship)

The fact that DH has mentioned it shows there is something wrong-in his eyes anyway-but there is time to do something before DC2 arrives.

You could be lucky DD1 may adore DC2 from the beginning-willing to share everything-including you-but unfortunately you don't know.

WeAreBorg · 02/10/2011 10:19

bushy you and your DD sound just lovely, and your post made me well up a bit. DD will adapt to the new baby, and you will love DC2 every bit as much I'm sure. I really hope me and my DS have a bond like that (he is 7months now)

skorpion · 03/10/2011 16:28

I would echo the DH's interest in this. It is just as important for that relationship to develop and blossom. My DD2 arrived just nine days ago and I can't believe how the love just doubles, it doesn't split in two. But both DH and I tried to ensure DD1 (22 mo) spent lots of time with him before the birth, as she could be quite rejecting towards him, and now he looks after her more than I do (recovering from a c-section and marathon feeds). I assure you watching the two of them together is just as lovely as spending time with her myself.

exoticfruits · 03/10/2011 19:27

I can't think of anything nicer than seeing your DH and DC enjoying time together. I think it sad that men let themselves get sidelined, just because they are not there so much. I think that you are right skorpion-OP is going to have to spend a lot of time with the baby so DH needs to get involved now-he is going to be the one spending a lot of time with DD1 after the birth.

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