A cunning plan, when you hate your dds' best friend.

[wickerman]

I say "hate" slightly melodramatically, but I do not like this child one bit.
I have been less than skillful in letting my dd(12) know my feelings - she really is a terror this girl and has been extremely damaging to my daughter's self esteem/health. She is rude, surly, needy, manipulative to both adults and children, an inveterate liar, cannot give you a straight answer about anything, is very weird about food - which is a real no no for my daughter, who has an eating disorder related to obsessive compulsive disorder and has been extremely unwell this year - and is generally a hell child. Other parents have spoken to me about this child. Teachers think she is an angel, as she can be polite, funny, charming and obedient. Her mother is very well meaning but weak and cannot seem to get to her.

However, because my daughter has been really ill in the past year, and because I have seen a direct correlation between her friendship with this girl and her behaviour and mental health deteriorating, I have on occasion lost it to my dd about this child. My feeling is that though I can understand why I have done this, it's REALLY not wildly skilful, as I can feel my daughter detaching from me whenever I do it, as she is intensely in love with her, in that early teenage way.

So - what I need, from you super wise mumsnetters, is a selection of skills to use which will a) keep my daughter safe and happy and b) allow her to have better judgment about her friends.

TIA.

Oh tough one.

With my dd the trick would be overkill. Invite child from hell over to your house regularly, include child from hell in trips out, meals, whatever.

There is one thing guaranteed to make someone into a hero in my dds eyes and that is me disliking them. If dd thought I was encouraging the friendship and ok with it she would dump her friend ASAP.

But my dds perverse like that.

I don't think you can control who your daughter makes friends with unfortunately. At the age she is, you need to let her make her own mistakes and just be there to support her if and when things go wrong. The more you make an issue of it, the more your DD will cling to this girl.

Many parents are probably guilty of making negative judgements about their DC's friends - you may find her parents have similar thoughts about your daughter, as they will also be coming from the point of view that their child is faultless.