scared if becoming a parent

[knowledge]

Hello. My husband and I would love to have children, but I am so scared of becoming the whole parent thing. Has anyone ever been scared of becoming a parent and can give me some advice please?

It's pretty daunting, admittedly, and it's a big responsibility but I don't think it should be 'scary'. Do you have much to do with children at the moment? Any small relatives? Any friends with children that you particularly admire how they approach parenthood?

I think the 'scariest' aspect is if you were to attempt to be the perfect parent. No-one is the perfect parent and it can be very stressful if you get hung up on all the conflicting advice out there telling you that you must do X, Y or Z. Parenting is a very natural act, ultimately. You and your child will have a relationship and a connection that isn't quite like anyone else and their child. Because you love your child and your natural instinct is to care for them, you make mistakes but there is very little you can actually do that is 'wrong'.

What I've especially enjoyed about parenthood is getting to know each other through the changing stages. 11 years in and I'm still smiling.... can't be all bad, can it? Good luck

If you would love to have children, what part of it is scaring you? Is there something about the description of "being a parent" that sounds more difficult than just "having children"?

I think its very easy to overthink the whole business - if you felt your own childhood was ok, then you'll probably make a decent go of parenting yourself without having to get too analytical about it. If your own childhood was problematic, then thinking about what the issues were and how you would/could/should do things differently will keep you from going too far wrong.

A helpful thought is that you don't have to become the whole parent all at once. "Parenting" covers a huge area, from changing nappies to exerting moral influence over obstreperous teenagers- but you work up to it gradually. There is plenty of practical advice to cover the early stages, plenty of books, first mums groups etc. And the later stages are mainly about getting to know your own child.

I flatter myself that I am a reasonably successful parent of my two secondary school children. But that success is not based on know-how and experience that I already had when they first put that tiny baby in my arms, it's what I've learnt since.

Hi!
It's fine to feel a bit scared about the prospect of being a parent - it's a big responsibility to take on. But try and approach it with optimism - much of parenting is a delight - cuddles with your LO, the funny things they do and say, when they give you kisses, the little triumphs like the first time they sleep through the night, when they eat something they'd previously refused etc. etc.....

Oh yes, there are frustrations and I would be lying if I didn't say that in the early days, there are moments when you do feel a bit EEEK!!

But overall, it's an incredible experience and I would suggest you try and see it as an amazing adventure rather than a looming nightmare...

Thank you so much for your advice, knowledge and experience. I guess the whole thought of becoming a parent overall is so scary. I think being unhappy as a child due to bullying at school, my parents not being understanding didnt help. I guess I feel scared about looking after a child scary, with my husband working all hours, I would feel on my own a lot. I do work with children and have three nephews. I guess you can only get over your fear by facing up to it? thank you all again for your advice. please add any more advice. so grateful for your time.

Hi Knowledge, my parents weren't that understanding of me as a child, and so far, (only 1 month into parenting today!) knowing what I missed out on has only helped me try and be as understanding and caring of my DD as possible. I was worried about being a parent too, the responsibility and the fact that everyone says it's hard work, but so far I have loved almost every minute of it! Even being woken up in the night is enjoyable, because I just find my baby so cute !

The 'husband working all hours' bit is a practical thing you should look at before ttc. Life changes with children. Many couples find this means in practice that 'the woman's life changes' but 'the man's life stays resolutely the same free and easy experience it always was!'.... and that's when things can go horribly wrong :) If everyone accepts there will be big compromises and sacrifices up front then it's a lot easier than saying nothing and finding you get lumped with the whole bloody lot.

Bullying at school... that's a part of life. Thankfully, schools take it far more seriously than they ever did in the past. And the part about parents that weren't understanding I think you may gain some insights when you are a parent yourself. I know I'm far more forgiving now of mistakes I always thought my parents made, because I've realised that so much of being a parent is well-intentioned guess-work... very little is done out of genuine malice.

Hi, Thanks again for your advice. Im happy to say that my husband and I are now trying for a baby and still daily talk about everything. One day I might get to hold my own bundle of joy. Thank you all again.

Hi, that's wonderful! It is such an exciting journey, let us know when you've been successful! Good luck and just enjoy!

That's great news, good luck to you both!

I was shit scared of becoming a mum, even though it was a much wanted pregnancy that we went to hell and back to achieve. For me the overriding worry was having to always put another human being first - forever - and i didn't know if i could do it. I also had worries about its impact on my relationship with my DH. I won't lie, it was hard at first and i don't think you'll find anyone who disagrees.

But it's the best thing that has ever happened to me/ us and it is a total joy that i hope you will one day get to experience. There is no greater gift in life than producing and sustaining life. It's a beautiful thing.