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Parenting

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Original poster

Stop me shouting please!

12 replies

toptramp · 20/09/2011 22:02

I love dd so much but I do find motherhood tough. I do hug her lots, converse with her, play games and take her to ballet and other activities. However, she just sometimes presses my buttons and I really scream at her. I always do it at a distance and never hit her but it's like this real rage bubbles up inside me that I can't control. I always feel sorry and say sorry afterwards. I hope I don't damage her. Where does this rage come from? I just don't have enough patience for toddlers. I alos have an underlying resentment as I do miss my old life and I find the sacrifices and responsibilities tough. I work part time (thank goodness) so i am not spending too much time with her.

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Sleepglorioussleep · 20/09/2011 22:18

I was the ultimate shouty mum after ds born. (had dd, 3 as well at the tine). I tried the following to minimise longer term triggers:
Made sure I was never hungry
Kept tidiness levels okay in house
Went out as much as possible
Prioritised sleep
Got all clothes ready the night before
Saw gp who recommended counselling to deal with underlying issues
Bought "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"
Explained to dd how I was feeling so she and I both knew how much patience was left.
I can't be sure which of those helped most but I am so, so much better than I was. Remember that a lot of people shout-if only behind closed doors and parenting is very stressful. See what you can do to avoid shouting, but I occasionally lose my cool completely over something trivial in our house (now have dd, nearly six, ds nearly three and dd2, 11weeks and I am only human. Guilt was extremely counter productive for me in staying calm. I am open with dd telling her that staying calm is a thing that I have to work hard at and that I don't like it when I shout. Helps her to see it's not her fault (well it might be her behaviour that is unacceptable but my overreaction isn't her fault)
Hope that helps. It can get better.

sneakybeak · 20/09/2011 22:21

Good advice.

I have been known to lock myself away - in the toilet or something just to breathe...

themothershipcalling · 20/09/2011 22:23

Oh you sound like me... The rage... I feel so awful afterwards, how can I scream like that at a 3yr old? How can I hate dd so much some times? I do find getting out of the house helps but am fed up of what feels like flouncing off. I will join you in awaiting help!

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Original poster

toptramp · 20/09/2011 22:43

I just think that children know the right buttons to push. This is of course a natural stage in development; but goodness it drives me mad. Plus there's the fact that I loong to just sit down and read a good book without feeling guilty that I'm not playing with dd.

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creativesoul · 21/09/2011 20:48

yep, anger can be a biggie. bizarre tip - but it works for me. just call dd "darling" every time you speak to her. is impossible to shout at the same time, and will just slow you down enough to stop you shouting immediately. you might feel like a steptford wife freak for a bit, but you will break the habit.

Sleepglorioussleep · 21/09/2011 21:02

Ha! Should have taken my own advice today before turning into nasty ranty mother today. Missed lunch-big mistake. Then dd pushed my buttons after several rubbish things happening this afternoon. I am still learning, but at least it's a rarer occurance than previously. Good luck-remind yourself that no one's perfect and sone people don't have to work so hard at this. Partly genetics and the way you were raised. Then doing as Much as you can to minimise your tendency. Tomorrow is another day. However I now require significant amounts of chocolate!

Zimbah · 23/09/2011 20:51

Oh I need this thread. I am often horrible shouty mum. I've had a really good couple of weeks, I decided each night that I would keep my temper for specific periods of time e.g. starting from breakfast until we go out for the morning, I won't shout or snap at DD1 (almost 3). Then when I've reached that point I decide on the next timeslot e.g. till lunchtime, and so on until bedtime. Gives me a sense of achievement and it seems more achievable in short bursts.

However it's all gone wrong the past two days, sleep deprivation is seriously catching up on me and I have shouted a lot today. Excelled myself this evening, screamed at DD1 who was having a wobbly that she wanted to open her yoghurt, and then realised horrified that DD2, four months old and strapped to my chest in a sling, was being deafened . I do apologise to DD1 but I know it doesn't make up for it.

VickyandAlistair · 23/09/2011 21:01

Wow OP, I could have written your post, thats spooky!

I too seem to have a lot of rage since becoming a Mummy, my DS is 11mo old and I love him to pieces, but GOD can he make me angry! I always hate myself after I've been angry with him, but like you, I just think I'm not the best Mum for a toddler, and I think that things will be much better when we can communicate with eachother.

The thing I do to help myself is to try to picture life if I had never had my precious DS, and its so horrible that I have to go and give him a massive kiss and cuddle and the rage is just gone like that.

I do feel for you though, someone else said to me that they don't mean to make you angry, its all boundary testing and very normal :)

willowstar · 04/10/2011 23:33

I have just found this through searching for a thread on shouting. I feel awful that I REALLY shouted at my little girl today. She has just turned 2. Since 19 months she has pretty much stopped napping during the day. Occasionally I can literally pin her down and get her to sleep but it is less than once a week. I am really tired, 24 weeks pregnant and not sleeping well. my husband works pretty much all hours, we hardly see him. today I was desperate, desperate, desperate for her to sleep and she was messing around so much I eventually just really shouted at her and left her. when I went back in to the room she sat up and gave me a cuddle and a kiss when I apologised. I apologised a few times for being so unkind. She seems utterly fine but I feel terrible that I shouted at my beautiful little girl little girl like that.

Rogers1 · 05/10/2011 12:09

Sleepglorioussleep....your advice is great. I have done a lot of those ideas mentioned myself as I have had outbursts like these & sometimes still do. I definitely find organisation & prioritising very help. The guilt at snapping/shouting is hard & I feel that I struggle to overcome that guilt sometimes. But I have found supernanny toddler care book so insightful & useful for the info I need.
Can I just say how inspiring you ladies are when you all help one another. I had a tough 12+ months after my DS was born..due to my bad health...& was desperate for a place like MN to discuss & feel apart of something. So a big thank u!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2011 12:34

I don't think you should get upset at yourself for being a human being with feelings. It all depends how often it happens. Once or twice a week... no biggie. Every half hour... probably needs tackling. Children push buttons and occasionally get a roar for their pains. That's life.

Meggymoodle · 05/10/2011 13:54

It's so reassuring to read this thread. I am the ultimate for shouting and then hating myself for it. DS is 2.8years and man alive can he make my blood boil. I also have DD 10 months who sleeps really badly, so I'm tired and cross which is such a bad combination.

I will use some of the above tips! Thanks ladies.

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