Oh heck thought all was well ,but apparently not !

[frumpet]

Bit of background , DD is just turned 9 and last term had a major fall out with another girl in her class . This ended in DD being physical with the other child and the head teacher having to talk to me . DD got a severe bollocking off me ,was in trouble at school . I spoke to the parent of the other child and explained how sorry i was and that i wouldnt tolerate that sort of behaviour from DD and that if anything else occurred could she please let me know asap so i could come down like a ton of bricks on DD . Asked the head to do the same . As far as i am aware there were no further incidents .
DD started back at school , the other child is clearly blanking/ignoring DD ,which is fine ,her parents have probably told her to ignore DD . I explained this to DD and told her she must be polite and kind and that eventually this child may want to be her friend again, but not to hold her breath .
Today after school , DD asked if another girl could come for tea later on in the week , but this girl and every other girl in the class are going to the child who she fell out party . Now thats tough luck for DD , and she has to learn that she cant be friends with everyone and not everyone will like her ,especially if she pinches them . But now im worried that other incidents have occurred since the start of term , should i check with the other mum ?
What made me really sad was on the way home , DD asked if she could move schools as she has no friends or anyone to play with at breaktime . She was also upset that the girl had handed all the invites out to the other children and then said ' you cant come because i dont like you ' in front of everyone .
I think i will speak to the class teacher next week and just ask him to keep an eye out . The incident last term was out of character for DD ,even the Head commented how it was the first time she had ever had to talk to her about her behaviour .

Oh this is so sad. Did your dd hurt the other girl badly? I would like to think if my dd is hurt by someone but they are then genuinely sorry that she and I would forgive and forget and move on and not alienate her from the rest of the class. I think you should have a word with the teachers, your dd does not deserve to continually be punished for a single action last term. If she has noone to play with I think you should address it quickly, I feel really sad for her.

There was bruising so im guessing it did hurt rather alot , which is why i was so cross with her . Cant abide nastiness in any way,shape or form .

If this is out of character for your child, maybe the other girl is teasing and tormenting her, which is just as bad as a physical attack, and can be much harder to deal with.
I would definitely talk to the teacher, and if it seems natural, maybe to the other mother.

Hey come on,your DD has learnt or is learning a really hard lesson - 9 is a dreadful age for cliques in school and your DD is having a rough time.

She was wrong to get physical but she knows it and obviously the other girl is managing to 'keep' all the friends.

Work with your dd on building up friendship skilss,maybe encourage her to make friends with children in different classes,speak to the teacher and see if she can let dd do some jobs so shes not alone at playtime.

This is bullying and it needs to stop - your DD is now a victim .

Did you get to the bottom of why she did it in the first place? Was she provoked or bullied in some way or did she feel ostracised already by the other girl or her classmates in general? I agree, it's probably a good idea to talk to the teacher - not so much to find out if she's been doing this since (it does sound like she's been trying her hardest to make friends again and if even the Head suggested it was out of character or a one-off) but to find out a bit more about the dynamics in the class and get the lo-down on what's going on.

The child and her parents are perfectly pleasent , and im not making any excuses for DD ,what she did was very wrong . But in all her time at school this is the first time she has ever not wanted to go .

Unfortunately nickschick , DD goes to a very small school , years 5 and 6 all in one class , therefore all the girls going to the party are all the girls in those year groups .
I not entirely sure what the root cause was last year , but the bickering went on for several weeks before it escalated . The other child was very upset according to the mother , and it did sound as though DD had been acting like a bully ,which is why i was so angry with her . The Head didnt mention the weeks before the incident ,just the actual physical part .

Thats sad that DD is being excluded like this,my own ds was bullied v badly and whilst I wasnt happy with the other boy I didnt want him ostracized forever,

Can you do something nice with her on party day so at least dd can say shes been somewhere ......is there any chance if you spoke to the other little girls mum she might co-operate in getting the girls to 'pal about' again?.

Its very sad that your dd is now the 'victim' and the punishment is rather harsh that shes being excluded.

Your right what your DD did was wrong. But it seems that she got all the blame and stigma of being the 'bad' one attached to her when she pinched, which if it was out of character was probably provoked. (btw not saying it excuses it, but does explain it iyswim?).

It has given the other child the superiority factor.

Your DD needs to be forgiven for the incident, by you too. You need to stop telling her that the other children are treating her that way because of what she did. They are being mean and acting as though the girl your DD pinched and themselves have never done anything wrong - which I very much doubt!

It sounds like the whole class could do with a lesson on forgiveness.

Definatly speak to the teacher. I actually feel very sorry for your DD and very very

I think i will leave it to next week to speak to anyone , dont want it to look like its sour grapes from me that DD isnt going to the party , also knowing what little girls of this age are like ,they could all be best buddies by break tomorrow .

But will keep a close eye on DD in the meantime .

Frumpet - you don't seem very sure what it was that caused your DD to lash out - something she doesn't usually do. If that was my DD I'd want to know exactly what had pushed her over the edge.

Im not totally sure what it was all about , DD seemed to think the other girl was trying to steal her friends ,as they do at that age. From what the Head said the pinching thing wasnt an isolated incident ,it sounded as though DD had been nipping her and pushing her on more than one occasion

I agree, your DD has been punished and shouldn't continue to be punished for one isolated incident. You should also find out if there was anything that led her to hurting the classmate in the first place as it was so out of character.

Don't really have any advice on how to deal with the situation from now on over and above what other posters have said. Discuss with the teacher and the other mum. Explain how sorry your DD is and that she has been suitably punished for her behaviour, that she is very sorry and would like to be friendly once again.

Good luck, OP.

Ooops posted too soon .
The final incident resulted in brusing ,which i think is when the other parent spoke to the head . From what DD said i think the other child had been saying things to her too , unfortunately DD isnt the most cerebral child and isnt quick witted like some ,so she retaliated by nipping. Still wrong though.

I think this is a massive over reaction to "pinching" all round, your self included. I think you'r dd has been punished enough. Did you try to find out from your DD why she pinched this other girl? I feel sad that your dd has been branded a bully and out casted when in actual fact she may have reated to provoxation, not that it makes it right, but at least finding out would give dd a chance to aknowlkedge and understand her own behaviour and how better to handle it next time. Im shocked you just accepted she was the one and only wrong do'r with out even asking her.

how is your relationship with your DD other wise as Im very surprised anyone would just accept this as truth and come down like a ton of bricks without asertaining facts.

poor little girl.

sprry frumpet but you sound like you are talking about a puppy not a 9 year old child. I dont mean to offend but seriously give your child some respect.

Surely, after this incident - it would have been a good idea to try to get the two girls to resolve their differences and encourage forgiveness and start over again ? Children fall out all the time and then make up.
I wouldn't suggest they should be forced to be friends - but the other girl delighting in handing out invites infront of your DD and telling her she does not like her is just as bad as what your DD did to her imo.

I'm glad festi posted that. I tried to say the same ^^ but not so eloquently. You have allowed this by assigning all the blame to your DD from the start. Telling her it's tuff because she pinched.

well you didnt make so many typos as me. I think your post was very eloquent and clear youarekidding

Oh dear i didnt mean it to sound like i treated her as a puppy , tbh i thought o was going to get flamed for having a bullying dd . I did come down on her like a ton of bricks , because i hate the idea of bullying . The head , the other parent and a friend who works at the school all gave the impression that dd had been doing it . I did have a long chat with her about the best way to deal with situations like this and what definately not to do .Im not saying the other child is without fault , but im not the sort of parent who does the ' oh my dd couldnt possibly do x,y,z' because she is human and like the best of us is apt to make mistakes , its how she deals with them thats important i think .

Even if your DD did pinch this other child (and it sounds like she did, TBH, albeit under provocation), I think that the other child's parents are now being very mean. My DS was quite badly picked on by another boy, and whilst I might have secretly crossed my fingers that the child wouldn't come to DS's party, there is no way I would have let DS invite everyone (or even all the boys) except the "bully".

I agree that it is now your DD who is being bullied - and the other child's parents are either condoning it or the child has "lost" an invitation.

what you say in your last post is very true frumpet but I think it is important to make a clear distinction between bullying and pinching the child on one occassion. Also the friend at the schoo, should not be getting involved in this unless she has direct involvment and which case it should be as a professional and not a friend. Pinching a class mate is not bullying IMHO, even if she intended to do it to be spitefull.

Frumpet I do admire your honesty and the way you have handled it with dd to an extent - you have given her a clear 'anti bullying' message ( i believe she pinched out of desperation and it is her thats actually being bullied now).

Bullying is a very difficult area and its one ive been involved in for a long time unfortunately-none of us want our dc to be bullied and similarly none of us want our child to be the bully its important to see the line from playground antics to actual bullying and I think now is the time you address this with school on dds behalf....it is not fair she is being excluded from parties or even groups in the playground and tbh im amazed that her teacher hasnt picked up on it - i think id also speak to the other childs mum and let her know how you feel .

Yes, the other child is now the bully - these things work in all sorts of ways.