Being a shit mum, horrible to my daughter, repeating mistakes my mum made

[doodleloo]

I need help to change my behaviour. I'm horrible, short tempered and sometimes unkind to DD (nearly 5). This morning she had wet her bed and I start making comments, generally moaning about the amount of washing I have to do etc. When I strip her bed and she asks me why I'm doing that I snap a barbed response "why do you think?". I have such a small amount of patience with her. She never listens to me (no wonder) and every request I make, I have to count before she does it, if I get to 5 and she's not done what I asked (put shoes on etc) it's time out. She much prefers her father's company (again no wonder).

She isn't the easiest child in the world, but I think I have never recovered from how hideous her behavoiur was when she was 3 and I had a new born. I know it is natural for children to play up when a sibling arrives, things were so tough then. But that was nearly 2 years ago, I need to be the bigger better person. She's actually a great kid.

I am a better parent to my second child. She must see that. I can.
My Mum was awful, cold, downright neglectful of me and I am scared I will turn into her. Everyday I tell myself, be patient with DD1, but at some point I lose it.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt. I tell her I love her a lot, we kiss and cuddle, spend time together and we do have fun. But I am just aware lurking in the background that sometimes I can be horrible, I don't want to destroy her confidence like my mum destroyed mine. I hate it and am hating myself.
Anybody have a similar experience or have advice on how I can change?

I came on mumsnet tonight hoping to see/to put a post on just like this, so thank you for doing it. I apologise in advance for doing a bit of a hijack, but it is good to know you/I we are not alone.

I am awaiting counselling on nhs - I really can't wait. It's very interesting to see how many others have suggested this. I never considered for a moment I am a 'victim' of abuse but it is dawning on me I never got the emotional support I needed - whether through ignorance or ?? depression?? on my mum's side.

Both my DH and myself lose the rag often - its as if we just haven't embraced parenthood in the way I hoped we would. (One of my other issues is that for all he is a great guy - since we have had children I've realised he just doesn't have the emotional strength I thought he'd have, but then - could that be because I am such hard work...?)

Like you, I have been terrified of being a bad mum, but have fallen right into the trap. I over indulge to compensate which means i have whiny kids that could be described as spoilt - but yet could also be very insecure? It feels like a pendulum, constantly moving from one extreme to another. confusing.
I don't know what one it is. I often feel that we started with amazing little characters that we're slowly ruining.

I highly recommend 'How to talk etc etc', and I'm about to start the 'Pushing buttons ' book, but the counselling is what i'm pinning a lot of hope on. Go speak to your doctor - if they are good/sympathetic they'll get you help. If not, find one who will.

I was really surprised i was deemed a serious enough case to warrant putting on the waiting list.
good luck!

submarinegirl i have whiny kids that could be described as spoilt - but yet could also be very insecure? -

My oldest is like that. I was really quite mentally ill (as a reaction to some terrible things that happened) for her first few years and suspect this has affected her. I have thought about asking the dr for counselling as well to help me be a better parent but I have already had counselling for other issues in the last few years and I think they might just go "oh you again". What did you say to your dr? Is there a specific type of counselling for this sort of problem?

WGME - I had mentioned to my doctor that i was just feeling down, and over a period of a few years couldn't shake off the feeling I wasn't happy, and had never felt content. I realised over time that my basic problem is that I am spineless, i hate any anger and arguing, and was therefore a doormat in all my relationships. my mum is a very dominant character, as is my dh (pattern there) and i feel i've never had the opportunity to develop my own sense of self worth.
So from her recommending a local stress and depression service online/group sessions etc she then put me forward for assessment with a psychiatrist. (Psychotherapist..?) From there they recommended I go to the specialist dept in the hosp for further assesment and now I am on the waiting list.( I should maybe point out I live in scotland...)
I am totally indecisive and can never figure out if my kids are spoilt - (my dh's strong opinion) or unhappy. A bit of both - anyway between us I think we are failing them as parents.
I think it is maybe a symptom of low self esteem to think - 'oh you again' - like we don't deserve it. I was really shocked to realise I am mixed up enough to warrant taking up a place someone else could've had...hope this helps. thanks for replying.

submarinegirl It's sounds as though counselling will really help you. I have had (like I said) a fair amount of counsellign already and it really helped. It didn't work instantly but more over a period of time. I felt as though it sowed seeds which grew over time. A year after finishing it I suddenly realised I was a different person. I used to put everyone before me and would always be worried about saying no or hurting people's feelings. Instead I've learnt that my needs and feeling are just as important and saing no and standing up for myself has got easier over time with practise.

I do find though that I am short tempered and get very angry. I really don't want to carry on like that as it's not good for them but don't feel anger management is the way to go. I feel that I probably still have some issues, just don't know what to do about it. I worry that I am damaging my dcs.

I can relate to these posts. I was very ill after having my DS 14 months ago & was taking massive amounts of synthetic hormones prescribed by doctor. They made me hideous & snappy. I regret how they made me but thankfully I am on alternative meds for DUB now so massive improvements. However, the guilt I feel for not being the mummy I wanted to be is hard.

I wish u ladies luck & together we can all work together to improve through our bravery to help one another.

OP you have hit a rich seam here, well done for your bravery and honesty - it seems to have given, certainly me, the confidence to confide. I hope we all keep the posts going when we need some advice/support.
Rogers1- ditto!

addressbook thank you so much for your honest post. Sounds like things were awful for you. You are right. My Mum would never have questioned her parenting abilities so I guess I have a head start there. My mother would often announce 'i am not a nasty person' - usually after being particularly nasty for a longer than usual period of time! Who feels the need to tell everyone how not nasty they are!?

MGME - I will definitely look up that book and read it asap.

Therepy is hard, money is an issue, and even getting the time to see a therapist, my husband works long hours, I have no family or childcare help at the moment. We are trying to sort this out though.

I have written little notes around the house, reminding me to keep calm and be kind to DD. Mostly it has been working but my problems are still there. I was practising some letters with her today and when she got one wrong I just snapped and shouted. Poor child has only been at school for a couple of weeks. what is wrong with me? I feel such anger when she is around then she goes to school and I fold a little piece of her clothing and want to sit down and cry and never stop, i am being such a bitch to my own lovely little girl.

simic you are right, I should try talking about this with friends, I just feel ashamed of myself though.

submarinegirl I will try the doctors. Again, though, I just feel so ashamed.

doodleloo I often think that the fact I question my own parenting alot means I can't be that bad. I don't think my parents ever thought about it.

. . . and when she got one wrong I just snapped and shouted

Are things like this all the time or do you alternate between nice and calm and then snapping? (which is what I do). I find that I feel guilty and focus in my head on the not so nice times rather then the good times which is more to do with my guilt and negativity.

I also find it helps to say after "sorry mummy hasn't got much patience today" or "sorry mummy is feeling a bit grumpy". It doesn't make it go away but lets them know that the problem is with you and not them.

Someone on here said to me recently (or did I read it in a book?) that it helps to explain patience to you child in a way they understand such as no patience is the size of a grape and lots is the size of a melon.

Coping mechinisms might help, such as avoiding any particular things which stress you out . . . could you hand over homework duty to your DH for eg? Nothing wrong with that if it helps. Might do that a bit more myself actually! My DD has no attention span so I get very easily frustrated with her when she won't even look at the word she's supposed to be reading but instead at the ceiling or something.

I have just started reading 'When your kids push your buttons' by Bonnie Harris. Ok so I didn't get a lot of sleep last night but I tears were flowing reading the first couple of chapters. Our agendas/states of mind don't let us deal rationally....this promises to be a good read. Recommending even tho' I'm only on chapter 3!
doodledo - I have told a few friends, not all, about me approaching the dr and now waiting on counselling. Their reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I think it's ok to consider yourself ill, you need help/to be fixed. There are departments in the nhs that do this, therefore it's not just in our imaginations. I was so emotional because a professional validated my feelings, and it wasn't me just be neurotic or self absorbed. I do feel a failure in a lot of things, and i don't want to be tarred so I haven't told everyone.
I also say 'it's a tired and grumpy day' :)

I couldn't find it on Amazon...

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Kids-Push-Buttons/dp/0749925248/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317137613&sr=1-1

I have ordered the book and look forward to its arrival :-)

OP - I see something else going on too.

You have so much going on - 'working own business, studying and no regular childcare'
This must be very stressful. Sounds like you don't get a minute to yourself.

Between 2-4 years ago I had too much on my plate. Working full time, quite a lot of travel, young children, no family help nearby. My patience level was zilch. Especially with something the kids did that made more work. I was a bitch at times, for sure.

I cut back my work hours by 10 hours/week. My work/life balance is much improved. I still only get time to myself once DDs in bed, but my stress is back under control, and I have much patience.

Do your think your levels of stress could be contributing to the overall problem?

mcos that makes a lot of sense, glad u managed 2 find ur balance :-)
Started reading the book wen it arrived 2day, just dipping in2 it during bf

doodleloo one thing that helped me to manage/ understand my own anger (in other areas of my life) was to realise what anger is. (This may or may not be helpful to you.) I realised that my anger always revolves around having expectations that other people violate or let down... expectations that are important to me. This can be on an individual level (e.g., my sister not treating me in the loving/ respectful way I felt I deserved) to a societal level (e.g., my government behaving in a way that I felt was unethical).

Once I understood my anger, I was able to manage it much better by altering my expectations, or at least being able to identify why I was feeling the way I was feeling (which helped to stop the feeling from being overwhelming). Do you have any expectations for your daughter that she is not living up to? Are they realistic expectations? Can you alter your expectations so that you feel better about yourself and about your daughter/ your relationship with her?

WGME - yes I am often calm (and I think the real me is a calm person, or I was before children!) and then I do snap. Must be very confusing for my daughter. You are right about offering an unreserved apology and explanation to DD after I snap. I have done that a number of times today!

Good on you submarine girl. I know what you mean about thinking you don't deserve help / can't really need it. It's a self esteem thing. You do deserve it though and I hope it works out for you.

MCos - interesting point and one which I hadn't considered. I have a huge work deadline which will be over in 2 weeks, and come December I have some part time childcare starting. I cannot wait. I wonder if this will actually help with some of my other issues now you come to mention it.

Pigglesworth. I need to think about that. Maybe you are right. I don't think of myself as having high expectations of her but perhaps I do. I have high expectations of myself. I do need to understand this anger and that will involve doing some thinking.

The front of that book sed 2 apologise & explain after getting angry. I did this 2 nights ago & found yeaterday a better much calmer day :-)

& 4 me, my expectations of 5.5 dd r far 2 high, think i expect her 2 behave like an adult, even tho i want her 2 make the most of being a child

Two days ago,I came on here trying to start a thread like this and found this one and it seems I have posted on here already. I wonder somtimes if I like my daughter. I wonder if it's a sense of failure or inadequacy and then guilt that lead to this lurking rage. I know I am sort of always expecting her to say something that will make me feel less than perfect. I have tried not to take it personally, but doesn't work. She is on my mind last thing most nights and first thing in mornings. I have insomnia now and I cry when I cannot sleep because I hate myself for being such a bad,mean mother. I promise myself to do better,but one complaint from her and the feelings start again. Sometimes I feel I do not really care about anyone else but her. Why her approval is such a big deal to me,I do not know. She is just a child. I try too hard to make sure she likes and accepts me,I guess. I am always putting her down and sometimes feel I just cannot stand her,when she complains. I tell her to talk to me when worried or afraid and I use them against her when the feelings become uncontrollable. I am not so tearful so not sure if this is depression all over again. I cannot at all afford any counselling at the moment and I am afraid it won't work.

It started with feeling I loved her too much,didn't want anything bad to happen to her;then she got bullied by almost everyone and at first I thought it would pass,offered her support,etc. She started to get more demanding(maybe not,not sure,could be me being selfish(sad). Everything was fine before this. I worried so much about about her education and her being ostracized that I became so depressed. I started to see all that happens to her as a reflection on me. I now have unrealistic expectations of her. I have read so many books and tried counselling-they only worked for a while. I apologise to her most of the time,but I have done it so often that I can see she doesn't care anymore. She is so insecure now and I can see has a lot of anger inside her now. It scares me to bits and makes me feel even more inadequate.

Sorry to go on about my own situation,but I have tried to explain this in real life to a friend who laughed it off. Thank you for starting this thread OP and to all other posters. I am watching this thread now and hope to offer/get some support here. We and our daughters/sons do not deserve this. I am just miserable now. I wish I hadn't had my kids yet,this is not the life my eldest asked for.

Sammiez, it sounds like you've got a lot of strong conflicting emotions, and also it sounds like you might just be depressed. Have you spoken to anyone about this?
Why were you so worried about her education and her being ostracized? Do you have any idea what the basis for these thoughts are?
May I ask how old she is? Read back through the thread again, there is some great advice. Ask yourself if you could lower some of your expectations of her. Also try to understand if you can what the anger is. I am trying to do these things I know it is easier said than done, but it does help.

sammiez - guilt is a pointless and terrible emotion.

my dd is 9 years old. i felt guilty about her from the moment she was born - i was a single parent, and she was born early and ill. the guilt was crushing.

when she was 4 i got married and had 2 boys who are now 4 and 2. i felt guilty about this.

last winter was a long cold lonely time for me. it almost finished me off. too much. something had to change - i couldn't continue to make everybody's happiness my responsibilty. it was all getting too much.

i forgave myself as much as i could. i was not a perfect mother to dd. but, and this is crucial, I DID MY BEST, and that's all you can ever ask of anybody.
i did my best. i am doing my best. dd's happiness is her responsibility, not mine.

i am responsible for myself and my own happiness. i am responsible for providing an environment in which my dc can be happy - but their happiness?
that's up to them.

it sounds like you and your dd have really been through it. don't feel bad. it happens to more of us than you think. from your post i think you need to be kind to yourself and your dd. ignore the negative voice in your head telling you you're doing it all wrong, and focus on what you are doing right.

one of my friends thinks that children choose us. i don't know if i agree with her, but i still find it comforting.

Sammiez it's very brave of you to post here and it's good that you have insight into the relationship dynamic that's developed between you and your daughter. So many people don't have that insight.

You say you can't afford counselling and you're scared it won't work - I wonder if there is a service in your area that you could use, such as a free government Parenting Service? The professionals there, at least, will have a good body of knowledge regarding parenting and its intricacies - whereas a general counsellor may not. Also, a dominant model at the moment in parenting intervention approaches is an attachment-focused model, which is all about relationships and affection and meeting your child's emotional needs, rather than simple behavioural methods which aren't going to address the issue in your situation.

I do think it's important for you to try to get help for this because attacking your daughter on an emotional level - e.g., put-downs, using her previously confided emotions against her, etc. - can be very damaging. I don't want to make you feel guilty in saying that, but I believe that the most important thing parents can do is provide an emotionally "safe" environment for their child - assuming that the child's basic material needs are met, such as food and water, a safe home, what they need for school, etc. I think that a child from a poor family which is emotionally warm and supportive will be much more secure and have a better "developmental pathway" than a child from a well-off family that buys the child lots of things but is, in whatever way, emotionally dysfunctional. In my work I see parents who buy their children the latest gadgets but aren't there for them emotionally or manipulate them emotionally and it can be so damaging.

So anyway, from what you've said this is my perception of what might be going on. During the time you were pregnant and when your daughter was in her infancy, she was a "blank slate" full of possibility. You wanted everything for her that you didn't have yourself, and you didn't want her ever to be hurt. Maybe you felt that you would always be able to protect her if something went wrong, and fix any problem quickly so that she could continue to live a happy life and have the life that you dreamt of for her. But it sounds like now your daughter is a bit older, she is letting down these dreams you had for her, and disappointing you. She is clashing with other children and has become a target for bullies, she is needy and demanding and whiney. Initially you thought this was just a little blip that you could help her to overcome but now you may feel that these seem more like stable, enduring personality traits - and you're angry at her for being like this and angry that the childhood that you'd imagined/ idealised for your daughter is not the childhood that's unfolding for her, and yourself. And maybe you blame her for it or maybe you think it's a reflection of yourself... maybe it's even tapping into insecurities that you have about yourself or your childhood... and you feel inadequate. All this makes you feel unbearably angry and you take it out on her.

I don't know how accurate the above speculation is. But the reality is that your daughter is your daughter, she comes with the temperament that she has... but as a parent you can do a lot about her upbringing/ environment to try your best to help her to flourish, or to fail, with her innate personality. And in order to flourish she needs to feel emotionally supported and secure. I wonder if with your anger and with lashing out at her, you are trying to get her to "see the light" and "change her ways" and be successful and a more comfortable fit for you - when in actual fact by being warm and supporting you could achieve the same goals but also ensure she feels loved and secure, which is so important.

And again, it may help to consider your own expectations - of what your child would be like, of what motherhood would be like, of what your daughter should be able to do - and evaluate whether they are reasonable, because they probably underlie a lot of your anger. Can you change any of your expectations so that you don't feel like they're always being let down? For example, a reasonable expectation might be, "Each child has a personality of their own that parents have no way of predicting - my job as a parent is to embrace and nurture that personality and encourage my child to reach her full potential" rather than "My child SHOULD be able to... [insert what you expect of your daughter]".

Thank you for your replies.

doodleloo-she is seven and was/is being bullied - moved her to a different school and is still being bullied,but this time it seems the teachers care to some extent,so I do not worry so much anymore about her being bullied at school.

baskingseals-thanks. I just find that I know not to worry,not to have guilt in my head,but just can't carry it out. Other people can talk about areas they need to work on and one would indeed see progress, but I find that so hard.

Pigglesworth-your speculation is very accurate,I actually felt defensive.

Each child has a personality of their own that parents have no way of predicting - my job as a parent is to embrace and nurture that personality and encourage my child to reach her full potential

I know this in theory but find it hard in real life. I'd be calm for a few days and then crash again and I see the little confidence she had started to gain,nosedive (sad)

Doodleloo, just wanted to add to all the helpful stuff others have written - on bedwetting (2 of my 3 are doing this at the moment, aged 12 and 8): the GP's advice is to get the child to help change the sheets, at some level it helps the child to take in what's happening. So it's OK and actually a good idea to do that.

Snapping at your DD: it's so easy to do, I've done it so often - sometimes I try to say sorry to them later when I've calmed down - even the next day - and if appropriate explain why I'm feeling stressed - wondered if you'd tried this? And try to forgive yourself too at the same time! Hope this helps and doesn't sound patronising.

My mum was not good at saying she loved me and saying encouraging things - so I have found this really hard to do, and had to practise - I can now though it still feels strange and takes an effort to do! What helped me start on this was a parenting course I did when my 3 were little, "From Pram to Primary School" (Family Caring Trust) - about 8 weekly meetings. You realise other people are struggling with the same things, and you get the chance to focus on one small, manageable thing each week, that you choose, and talk about how you're getting on. Maybe something like this could help you? Good luck!