What do you do when your parenting differs from DH?

[FlameRobin]

Not majorly, but occasionally I hear DH say things to DD that make me cringe... yesterday he threatened to put her straw (a nice bought straw) in the bin if she didn't stop playing with it to help tidy.

Not a huge deal, but it was a case of if he a) went through with it, it would have been a much worse punishment than the crime because she is very attached to it, or b) didn't go through with it then I get left with a child to look after who assumes that threats won't be carried out.

In the end option c happened... she put it away, and played with some of the other mess she was meant to be clearing up .

Its little situations like that though - the majority of the parenting is done based on my views, and he has never argued with them (even though sometimes I know he feels differently), so it seems mean to "discuss" little things like that with him, but at the same time, I don't want a confused child when I am the one with her most of the time.

Do I just ignore them, and we both just carry on in our own way? Or should we try and get it sorted now?

me and dh dont agree on anything, he says am too soft, then we argue

DH and his first wife have vastly differing opinions on parenting and discipline, they ended up divorced over it ! Thankfully DH and I agree almost completely on all kids-related issues.

I think you and DH should have a chat about how you both handle different situations with DD and come to a compromise if you can't agree on either pov.

Try and get it sorted.

Sit down with him and discuss how important it is that DD can't play divide and rule and get him to watch Little Angels and Supernanny with you, so that you can discuss them afterwards. (You'd be amazed - or perhaps not- by how many of the behavioural problems on these programmes are exacerbated by the fact that the parents aren't singing from the same hymn-sheet.)

I think you need to talk to him about it, because in my opinion one of the most important aspects of disciplining a child is that the parents are able to present a united front. Children are really good at picking up on parenting differences, and they can use it to "divide and conquer".

NomDePlumPudding dh is my second hubby and hes 10 years younger and its his first where its my 3rd, i wish we could sort ours out befor its too late

We discuss it and he aligns with my position because I do most of the hands on parenting so get the casting vote.

However generally I find that he does willingly agree with me after we have discussed it and reflected on the consequences of - for instance - pleading with her to do something ( I kid you not, he has been known to say to 3 yr old dd "Oh please put your shoes on - daddy is tired of all this - please, go on...for daddy...)

It's pretty imperative I think to have a united front and consistency of approach

It can put real pressure on a relationship, resentment builds up on both sides. for you elf, hope you can get it sorted.

I find it hardest not to address the issue there and then. I would never undermine or ignore something he'd said in front of the children (eg "You can't get down until you've eaten that") because I think it is very important that both parents present a united front but it's hard to bite your tongue until you can sit down together to discuss it.

Oh absolutely, satine. Please DON'T over-ride DH in front of DD.

i agree but dh has to be right all the time, and i tell him not to argue in front of him

Bit of a tough one. Can't really catch him up on small things but definitely helps to sing from the same hymn sheet for the bigger things.

DP and I have a weekly session on a Saturday where we open the "Rah" books. Basically he/I go first and get a chance to voice any issues that arose during the week I wasn't happy with then he gets to go. So I'd bring parenting stuff up at that point along with all the others. He then gets to respond and we find a resolution or if not one there just an apology. Then the other person goes and the process is repeated.

Rules are, when the person is laying out their issues/Rahs (Rah is like when you moan at someone) they can't be interrupted. Once they close their RAH book it can't be re-opened til the next week. Anything that goes wrong of major importance is not counted as a rah and gets dealt with there and then but anything else MUST be kept for the rah book session.

Some weeks we don't have anything to rah at each other about - then we feel all smug and fab! Know this is not for everyone but as a person who abhors having a disagreement/difference of opinion and then fifty million other irrelevant issues get dragged up from decades ago - this is a great way of avoiding it. If I'm gonna argue I wanna stick to the topic at hand and devote it all of my energy!!!

Oooh, I like the rah book DH would hate it though, he's always so bloody vague that he'd have nothing written in it, and I'd have a huge list .

There's no book - as such - just your memory which can be a bit frustrating as you'll have just finished your side and "closed" the book and then you remember something else you forgot and you have to hold it over til the following Saturday! Such a pain. Have started to record little notes to remind myself and hide them where he can't find them and then scan before we do the session