Am I just a control freak?

[bourneville]

Pretty much every time I asked dd (nearly 2.4) to do anything (come and get dressed, get coat on, put her bricks in her box, etc) she would simply not do it. It was driving me up the wall. I started off using the naughty mat, which was successful in that a threat would make her comply. Because that felt a negative way of doing it, esp as she is generally such a good child, I now use a sticker chart for all dressing related occasions (the main problem areas, esp as these can be time-limited in terms of having to get somewhere). So, getting dressed or undressed, changing nappy, getting coat etc on all gets a sticker and at the end of the day a chocolate if she obeyed every time. It has worked wonders for the atmosphere between us, she has complied nearly every time and it?s all ?Well done! Good girl!? etc instead of frowns & naughty mat threats!
However, there is still the odd random request. Tidying up at the end of the day is one, this is a regular occurrence but not included on the sticker chart cos it?s not related to dressing and would feel odd putting it on the chart. DD is still refusing to comply, in fact more often since the sticker chart I think! (ie she seems aware she doesn?t get anything in return - though she always gets lots of praise & encouragement if she does anything worthy of it). I have used the naughty mat for tidying up a couple of times since.

My question is, does it bother me unnecessarily? I know toddlers are supposed to challenge your authority and push limits and fully expected it, but it really does bug me when she doesn?t do as I say! My mum said I was the same as a child (meaning I refused to do as she said!). Is it because I am a control freak and am I asking too much of my dd? I am aware of how important boundaries and learning to obey or to muck in etc are, and also that she learns I am the boss and I always mean what I say? I guess I just need reassurance that I?m doing the right thing! Plus, is the sticker thing just happening too often and will dd ever learn to just comply because she wants to and is a good child, not just because she?ll get a reward?!

I think you did the right thing moving towards a rewards, rather than 'negative results' system, but I still think 2.4 is v early to be doing all these things like clockwork - they are naturally all over the place, short attention span, everything is far more interesting than the thing you are suggesting. This is just what they are like at this age, OF COURSE your mother says you were exactly the same - you and every other 2.4 year old - don't put too much pressure on her!

Thanks Blu Guess I need to make tidying up more fun again - she went through a phase of being wonderful and enjoying it, maybe I was starting to take her for granted!

btw my mum was saying my sister was completely different. When we were a bit older she used to send us to the shop for things and my sister always had to go cos my mum didn't want to battle with me! (actually the words she used were "I didn't have the energy to deal with you, I don't think I did you any good actually..."
No idea what it was like when we were 2.4 tho!

god my kids never tidy up unless I muck in too and turn it into a race or something. Isn't this the sort of thing better tackled by a game? You sound a bit as though you are expecting constant obedience - yes its important that they know you mean it when you say you do, but I'm not sure that being on their backs over every little thing is the easiest way. Ds2 is quite stubborn and if I meet hm head on he will refuse to do something (will go and sit in time out happily- with a scowl, but would rather do that than obey a direct head on order). However he's very ameniable- only been in time out once at nursery in 2 years, and is very easy to persuade to do something- either by making it a race, or somes sort of game. He also has a very bad role model in the form of ds1 (severely autistic, doesn't give a stuff about being obedient), but he's still pretty well behaved.

I'm just trying to say you don't have to be too Victorian Mum to bring up well behaved kids.

I don't think I'm being too Victorian mum . Just using Supernanny type techniques.
But it's true, if I ask dd to do something i really do want her to do it, because if she doesn't... i don't know, I feel as if I let her ignore me or disobey me once she'll take the p** forever more...
And the only times i am asking her to do things is the dressing things which of course are necessary, tidying up,(and I do muck in every time) and obviously tell her to stop doing something she knows is naughty or dangerous - if she disobeys that I just take away whatever it is she's dealing with/physically stop her or whatever.

If it's anything else, like a suggestion to play with something, or help me with something like washing up (I ask cos she loves it before you think I'm making her help with chores already!!) of course I don't make her comply then...

I think you might be expecting a little too much of your 2.4 year old. If she's co-operating most of the time, I think that's as good as it gets.

Why not tidy away as you go during the day instead of leaving it all to the end of the day when she's tired?

Yes I think you are a control freak and expecting too much of her. I feel able to say this because when ds was 2.4 I was EXACTLY the same. If I am tired or grumpy it makes me feel homicidal to be ignored / defied. I didn't find anything that worked except him getting a little bit older - he is 2.9 and at a much more co-operative stage now. I think to have got the level of behaviour you describe with a child of your dd's age is exceptionally good going, and I hope you don't get too down about the issues you are still working on. I try not to get too uptight as long as I can see any kind of progress. HTH and apologies for calling you a control freak (but it takes one to know one IMO )

Aha, Supernanny!
the thing is that SN is called in when things are way, way out of control, and she has to create very strong new boundaries. Personally, I would hate to have to run everything like that all the time, it would feel more like being an animal trainer. IF mini-Bourneville is generally amenable and well behaved in a 2 year old sort of way, I think you can afford to relax and just encourage her to do thing because they are fun, as Autiechristmas says below.

But I'm v lax and uncontrol-freaky! (but have a DS who behaves reasonably well because he follows his instincts to please)

I think at 2.4 she's doing brilliantly to have achieved the level of compliance that she has, and I think you're asking rather too much of her to expect her to come up to your standards in everthing. Boundaries are important, so is learning to obey, but not everything has to be reduced to a matter of discipline.

Ease up on her for a while before both of you end up so stressed out that something has to blow. There's plenty of time to get her helping with the tidying up when she's older. Apart from anything else, constant use of the naughty mat for minor misdemeanours is actually likely to lessen its effectiveness, so when you need to use it for important things it won't work.

As often, I rather agree with Wigwam. I certainly didnt expect so much from my children at this age.
if I want them to put their coat on, I dont give them the chance to refuse, but just decend with coat. Tidying is a matter of helping Mummy, rather than personal responsibility, at this age.

Thanks you've all said good stuff. The reason I posted was because a part of me inside was trying to tell me something didn't feel right...

Re naughty mat- that was why I changed to the sticker chart. It had occurred to me that Supernanny is called when things get very bad, Blu.
Nightynight, I descended with coat too initially. Thing is, i was just so very sick of having to pin her down every time! Much prefer a compliant child happy to put a funny face sticker on a chart and contemplate a teatime chocolate!

Re tidying, it is "helping Mummy", that's exactly the phrase I use, and she does actually enjoy it (I still do most of it anyway) and more often than not she does it of her own free will. But it is true that normally of course by that time of day I'm impatient to get the bath done and dd to bed so perhaps i'm a little less patient than i ought to be.... agree that the naughty mat should only be used when it's something really bad, will bear that in mind.
Also re tidying - we have a very good, solid tidying up routine as part of bath/bed routine, and dd hardly ever makes a huge unbearable mess anyway, just a box of toys & several books usually. If it does get out of hand I do tidy up a bit as we go along, though dd gets annoyed with me if i do .

I bet your dd is a shining example, what do your friends with similar age children think? I think ds is quite wilful and naughty sometimes but friends tend to think he's an angel, it all depends on your expectations doesn't it?