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Parenting

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Original poster

Discipline for 6 year old boys... Come tell me your consequences for bad behaviour

64 replies

CharlieBoo · 26/08/2011 22:00

Hi, just wanted some ideas really as being sent to his room is not really working for our 6 year old ds. I know our problems with him aren't huge (the usual asking him to get dressed 20 times, to come to the dinner table no fighting with his sister etc.) Mainly the not listening and cheekiness is driving us crazy!!

We've always sent him to his to his room in the past but it's not an effective consequence as in he's not overly bothered and the behaviour continues. Dp always makes empty threats i.e were not going to grandparents at the weekend ( we don't see them often as we live far away from them so he knows once we've arranged it, we will go.)

Any ideas? What do you guys do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

booyhoo · 27/08/2011 19:25

wrt getting him dressed. i used to nag at him but now i say "time to get dressed-we are going to X in 20 minutes" then when it's about 5 minutes before we leave i remind him that we will be leaving in 5 so he should get dressed quickly. he calls my bluff and says he wants to go in his jammies. itell him that's fine he can go in his jammies. i haven't yet had to leave the house with him not dressed. he always does it really quickly and if it comes to it someday then i will take him out in his jammies.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/08/2011 19:39

We are currently reading a book about Playful Parenting that was recommended to me on here. I haven't finished it yet but it suggests lots of ways to turn a situation where you might nag or start shouting into a much more positive experience.

I haven't quite made it habit yet but it is stuff like, instead of nagging them to get dressed, suggest racing them or start putting on your clothes back to front, or heading out the door in your dressing gown etc. It doesn't actually suggest any of those exact things but that sort of stuff. Basically it suggests turning the nag into an opportunity to make your dc laugh and cooperate.

It certainly stops me getting so wound up if nothing else. It does take time and practice to make it a habit though.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/08/2011 19:40

This is the book here

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booyhoo · 27/08/2011 19:43

i do that carrots!! i didn't now it was a 'tecnique'

if ds is being whingey or slow about putting on his shoes for example. i will start trying to put on a pair of his younger brother's shoes.ds will start giggling and then full on laughter telling me i'm silly, they wont fit me etc. it lifts the mood in the house instantly.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/08/2011 19:45

I used to do it too but lost my way somewhere along the way. Parenting can knock it out of you sometimes. It is helping me to refocus.

Simic · 27/08/2011 21:21

I agree with Carrots on Playful Parenting. I think so much of this stuff can be avoided if they are not too exhausted and you´re feeling full of energy (???). Tonight we had a big blow up with my nearly 6 year old nearly smashing her little brother over the head with a large heavy ride-on horse thing (don´t ask). Once the tantrum had blown over, she came up with a great suggestion to solve the problem of him always meddling with her toys. We´ve been trying to rearrange rooms for ages for her to have a bedroom of her own - and all our plans involve masses of work and furniture buying and moving and repainting etc. etc.. which will take months. She came up with a great suggestion for rearranging which can be done in a few hours. I´m sure we´ll still have plenty of fights but I was really impressed with her creativity with the solution and somehow to talk about that was so much better than punishing her.
I know it´s situation-specific and varies from child to child. Mainly I just shout as loud as I can and then feel childish and guilty afterwards. And it has no effect whatsoever. With not-listening, I do better by getting my face right in front of hers, gently holding her shoulders and asking her to look at me while I´m telling or asking her something important. I suppose I should try to do it in a more older-child way, but I do find getting eye contact first is the only chance I have. Otherwise I´m just tuned out permanently.

ghostofstalbans · 27/08/2011 21:45

have to say i am shocked at that technique really i am. am quite shocked everyone finds it accetable too

if a child told me he was made to stand out in the rain when he was naughty it would set my alarm bells ringing really it would

hiddenhome · 27/08/2011 23:32

shocked?

Oh dear, you really have no idea have you?

Carrotsandcelery · 28/08/2011 10:41

Can I just clarify that I don't specifically wait for it to be raining to send him out there

baguettecut · 28/08/2011 10:49

Oh come on Ghosts. I think you're probably overreacting a little bit here.

Dorisnextdoor · 28/08/2011 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NormaSnorks · 28/08/2011 11:02

I also have used the playful parenting stuff sometimes, but the problem is that it means you are having to 'go ito the child's world' to address the problem - it's sort of pandering to their needs IYSWIM?

this is fine when they're 5 or 6, or even junior primary level, but I've seen children who were parented in this way grow into very self-centred, self-obsessed kids at 10 or 11, who simply will not respond to a reasonable adult request, unless it is done on their (the child's) terms. In my opinion kids also need to learn respect for their parents/ understand the importance of doing (reasonable) things when asked, in a timely manner - especially when other people (family members, or classmates etc) are waiting. A teacher in upper primary isn't going to waste any time on a 'playful' approach to class room management of 30 kids.

I think as soon as they're old enough to understand you need to explain to kids WHY you need then to do stuff

e.g.

I need you to get dressed now because we are leaving at 9.30 for the bus...
I need you to clear the Lego off your floor beacuse the cleaner will vacuum it up tomorrow otherwise

I don't have a big problem with putting a chld outside personally (although we don't tend to do it). Boys in particular seem to get 'cabin fever' quickly, and I think the burst of fresh air sometimes calms them down a bit.

Carrotsandcelery · 28/08/2011 11:07

We did try the bottom step of the stairs but it is VERY cut off from us and we found it didn't work. If I send him to his room then he has loads of toys to play with, and again, I can't see him.

The back step in our house is through a glass wall so we can see him from the room we generally hang around in. It isolates him less and is safer than on the stair in our house.

4madboys · 28/08/2011 11:07

oh dear i have put my 3 yr old outside in a bit of rain when he has been having a meltdown and i didnt want to have to hear him scream (well i could still hear him it just isnt quite as ear piercing through the double glazed patio door ) and he can still see us through the door and open it himself to come in, which he does saying 'i have taken some deep breathes and calmed down now mummy' (a technique i mentioned to him once and he has picked up on and now uses himself)

and with regards to wondering off, i put mine in the back garden on the step, the garden is fully enclosed and secure so no wondering off anywhere, tho on occasion he has been known to get up off the step and start splashing in the rain.

i must be truly terrible actually as i once put ds2 outside in the snow in his underwear, he was there for a few mins before he calmed down and came in, principally because he wanted to put his wellies on and play in the snow...didnt want clothes on, just wellies.

quick call social services..........remembers that dp WORKS for social services and has seen REAL abuse, not leaving a kid out in the rain for a few mins....

4madboys · 28/08/2011 11:08

and thanks for the link carrots, i may look that book up :)

Carrotsandcelery · 28/08/2011 11:10

I see your point about the playful parenting Norma - we use it less with our 10 yo, although we need it less too iykwim.

We expect her to do what she is asked more. We are also trialing a pocket money chart - so everytime she does what she is asked when she is asked she gets points on her chart. The points will add up to pocket money in the end. She is a very different child to ds though and the methods we used with dd have had no impact whatsoever on ds.

Carrotsandcelery · 28/08/2011 11:13

4madboys I used to be a teacher and have also seen dreadful abuse. I also think teaching children to take requests seriously makes their school life a great deal happier.

4madboys · 28/08/2011 11:32

yes the playing and making things fun works for little kids, ie ds4 who is 3 and ds3 who is 6, but tbh i do expect them at age 6 and upwards to just do as they are told! if i say GET dressed, clear the table, put laundry in the wash etc i do expect my kids to do so.

from a young age they are all encouraged and expected to take a bit of responsibility and help with keeping things clean and tidy etc, ie their own rooms, clearing the table, rinsing their toothpaste out of the sink after cleanign their teeth! putting laundry away, i think it is only right that kids learn how to do these things and dont expect me to run around after them the whole god dam time and besides asi have 5 i dont have the time to pander to them!

we use time out, on the bottom of the stairs or the back step, we remove things such as the wii or ds and watching tv, or if they are really naughty no bedtime story!! and i ALWAYS follow through with what i say, NEVER make a thread you arent willing to carry out, we have come home from trips out, (on holiday recently the boys were fighting on the beach, they were told to stop, we warned them, they continued to so we left the beach after 15mins! and took them back to our holiday house) they were NOT happy but we warned them.

MollieO · 28/08/2011 11:40

I don't have a problem with a child being made to stand outside in the rain if they are appropriately dressed - ie coat on. If you do that then it is fine if you send them out in all weathers without ensuring they are dressed for conditions then I agree with ghost and it is abusive.

MollieO · 28/08/2011 11:41

Sorry, should be a full stop bewteen 'fine' and 'if' to make sense.

4madboys · 28/08/2011 11:46

well my kids play out in the rain without coats if they want to, and my three yr old positively LOVES being naked and is regularly out in our back garden in all weathers in pant or naked, if he gets cold he will come in, i will put out his clothes and suggest he gets dressed but if there is no real need to then i dont bother forcing him.

MollieO · 28/08/2011 12:02

Big difference between dcs choosing to go out in the rain without coats etc and being made to go out. Very big difference indeed imo. Ds likes to go out in the snow in his pjs when it snows overnight. I would never make him go out dressed like that.

4madboys · 28/08/2011 12:15

its STILL a choice, they are being naughty/screaming, i tell them to stop, they continue, they get a warning and told they will be put on the back step, they either stop and stay inside, or they continue (which is their CHOICE) knowing the consequence will be to go out on the back step, even if shock horror, its raining or cold!!

Popbiscuit · 28/08/2011 12:33

Carrots I'm going to try your idea. My son is an inveterate extrovert and chatterbox and having to be isolated from the family (but still see in) would be a pretty serious consequence to him. That might just work....

bejeezus · 28/08/2011 12:38

IME, putting kids outside in the garden even if it is raining, is quite a common practice

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