What would you have done in this situation please?

[mckenzie]

DCs watching TV while I cooked dinner for the three of us (DH still at work, DCs been at a club all day today so happy for them to be chilling). I gave them warning that dinner would be ready in 10 mins, then 5 mins then called them to come to the table. DS (10) comes, DD (6) says "I'm not coming - I'm watching this programme".
I give her the count of 3 (normally works) but no movement. So I dish her up a very small portion (very small in case I end up throwing it away) and put it on the table and leave it there. DS and I start to enjoy our dinner.

TV programme finishes and DD comes out, has a complete meltdown because of the size of her dinner. I ignore her so she gets out the toaster and makes herself marmite on toast. I still ignore her.
When she's finished I ask her to come upstairs for shower and hair wash and she has a complete meltdown because she wants a bth and no hair wash and screams and screams in the shower, banging the showerhead on the floor of the bath, absolutely raging. I keep my cool pretty well i'm pleased to say, interact as little as possible. By the time she's finished cleaning her teeth and it's story time she's asking me for a cuddle and kiss and looking all apologetic and angelic.

So, did i do the right thing by just ignoring the dinner table thing as 1) I know she's tired, 2) it's not her usual behaviour 3) praise the good, ignore the bad.

Or should I have insisted she either ate what DS and I were eating or gone without?

What do you think?

Well you were a lot calmer than my mom. Many moons ago when my DBs and I were young we all refused to go to the table as we were watching TV.

DM marched into the living room, yanked the plug out of the socket then cut the plug off the lead with a carving knife

I would have insisted she came to the table when it was time for dinner. Offer to record the end of the programme for her and switch the tv off.

I'm with the majority here... I'd have told her that she comes to the table to eat or I would turn the TV off. Either way she would not be watching the TV. e.g.

(Really patient example - as you are a master :) )
DD: I'm watching this first
You: It is dinnertime now and we are going to eat together. Turn off the TV and come to the table.
DD: after this.
You: No, come to the table and eat your dinner or I will turn the TV off.
DD: No

I don't think ignoring her helped - she didn't understand why she didn't get what she expected as you didn't tell her. She didn't realize you actually really wanted her at the table - by ignoring her you told her you were ok with it. She probably felt you had been unfair to silently punish her and probably thought you were rather mean. Put yourself in her position, if you don't tell her what you expect she can't read between the lines.

My mum used to do this sort of thing occasionally and I was about 14 yo before I understood. I wish she would have just told me one more time - kids like to push boundaries to see what they can and can not get away with. A good kid only needs to be told firmly.

Thanks for the extra posts. Catherine, I am certainly not normally patient.thank you for the explanation about dd getting mixed messages and not really knowing what I wanted her to do. I can see that angle now - I couldn't at the time as I was so frustrated.

Agree with tethers. Wouldn't have dished up a smaller than usual portion, would have warned her her dinner would go cold.

I agree with those saying telly off. If she had had a warning then the show could be recorded or something but tea time means tea time, she doesn't get to dictate.

If you were happy for her to watch the show then giving her a smaller portion is a punishment with no warning, which would have caused the meltdown.

Children take silence as agreement. Ignoring is great, and you did really well, but better to briefly repeat a command 'I said tea is on the table now, come and eat it or it won't be there later' and then ignoring the secondary behaviour (sulking, huffing, pouting at the table for having no show/cold food) The trick is spotting which is the thing you want dealing with (the refusal to come when asked) and then dealing with that and spotting which is secondary, as trying to stop that will cause no end of nightmare!

No idea what to suggest for the shower thing, Mine hates having hair washed in the shower too, I take the 'you don't want to be dirty and it's too late for a bath' tack and then let her have a bit of my shower gel to mollify her.