How much does your other half do?

[Beccaroll]

Just wondering how things work in your house!

I have 6 week DS and 4 yr old DD. When DP was off on paternity leave a great help where he could although obviously not with feeds as Im breast feeding.

Now he is back at work it really p*sses me off that his rest is deemed to be more important than mine because he works out of the home. He puts friggin ear plugs in when Im feeding and DS is grunting in the night and whinges if I have the light on because it is disturbing "his" sleep and "he" has to get up for work tomorrow. What about me?! Up every few hours in the night and constant treadmill of feeding, changing, entertaining, cooking, cleaning, playing, disciplining etc etc

Just wondered if I was being unfair in expecting him to help out a bit more.

He does his bit and often tidies around when things are a mess and sees to his own tea when he gets in and I havent had a chance. He quite often doesnt get in until kids are in bed so I dont get to hand them over for a break then either.

He goes to football on a sunday morning,the gym and also most weeks gets to catch up with his mates and have a few drinks.

That sounds pretty standard to me beccaroll. It was certainly the way in our house before DD was going through the night. I have to say that now if she wakes a little early in the morning, say 5 o'clock, DH and I will take it in turns to get up and see to her. I don't think you are being unreasonable in expecting a little more help, but I really don't think that your DH is the exception !

I do most things for DD as her 'day' is generally from 7 - 6.30pm, when DH is either getting ready for work/at work/ or only just home. All of her meal times etc fall inside of DH's working day so he isn't around to share them (except at weekends). So I do the loins share of parenting DD.

We also have 2 DSs (his from 1st marriage), things are fairly equal on that front. They are 9 1/2 & 11 so they do most things themselves (getting up and washed/dressed etc), but DH makes DS2s packed lunch (normally when I am feeding DD). I collect them from school. Discipline of the boys is shared fairly equally, pretty much 60/40 (him/me). I tend to run their baths etc as DH always fills them too full or makes them skin-peelingly hot !

DH also does the cooking and I do 99.9% of housework (inc laundry & ironing)

Dh wasn't too bad before we had dd - he did all the washing, tidied up; I did cooking and we had a cleaner. However, we had to have a few words about priorities when dd arrived, i.e. WHEN the washing got done (when dd needed it, not when he could be bothered) and mostly when he had free time to do things for himself. I've said it before, but I'll say it again : men need things spelling out to them; they do not receive information by osmosis and if you try to show how displeased with them with moods/looks/atmospheres, they just think you're being mysterious, unreasonable females. Thus, I NEVER act the martyr, I ALWAYS point out why something he does is not fair and we've reached a happy compromise. He only plays golf on weekdays now when he has a day off and dd is in nursery anyway. We both clean now - badly - but I do ask him to do the things he wouldn't notice, like the kitchen floor and the bathroom when I don't fancy doing it.

I've also turned a deaf ear to dd crying in the night many, many times now and it's automatic for him to get up to her in the night. He actually said to someone quite proudly the other day: "Dw doesn't actually hear dd in the night a lot of the time these days, but I find I wake up quite easily" !!! Yes, darling, I DO hear but I chose not to leap out of bed!

Its not even so much that I need the "help" (although it would be lovely) it also concerns me about bonding. The rare ocassion he is around when DS is awake he really struggles to know what to do with him! He is not with him enough to learn his cries, know what keeps him quiet/calms him down etc and I feel like Im not trusting his parenting abilities if Im forever hovering correcting him on what he is doing IYSWIM

Ahhhh, we still occassionally have that 'battle of wills' in our house moomin. DH usually cracks first

Moomin LOL@ your DH.

MY DP has often happily NUDGED me awake when he needed seeing to grrrrrrrrr!

I had a similar feeling when DD was tiny (still do to an extent). Despite the fact that DD is DH's 3rd child I still had niggling doubts and was/am sure that no-one can look after her as well as I can. I think your 'not trusting his parenting abilities' feeling is normal.

But I think THEY don't trust their own parenting abilties too. Beccaroll, it sounds like your dh is nervous about spending time with or handling your ds and this may be through your subconscious attitude towards him, ie not trusting him as much as you trust yourself. Dh and I talked about this loads when dd was tiny. I was amazed at how much I picked up through instinct - and dh was amazed at me too, because he still felt like a bumbling novice and I was expecting to as well before I had her. (Not that I was Earth Mother or anything, but I felt fairly confident compared to dh). He was a bit jealous to begin with as he really wanted to bond as well but we both had to accept that for dh it was much more of a learning curve. And I had to bite my lip a few times when I wanted to snatch dd from him and say "No, you fool, do it THIS way!" Sometimes, blokes can exploit this as a way to not develop a greater role with the kids but, in my book, that's the same as them whining "Oh you do the ironing so much better than me, darling" and you doing it for them. No, mate, you wear clothes like a tramp then, until you learn how to do it better yourself! Same theory applies to the kids!

When DD was small I did all the getting up in the night (because I was under the delusion that I had to feed her every time she woke up, and there didn't seem any point in both of us being awake). Also I swallowed the line (from friends actually, not from DH) that he needed his sleep in order to be able to give his employers what they were paying for.

Then one day another friend pointed out that the situation was:

both DH and I have full-time jobs (mine as a SAHM)
neither of us have the chance to sleep during the day (DD didn't do naps for months!)
DH gets a chance to rest during the day - on the train, and he gets a lunch break
if DH makes a mistake through tiredness, his company might lose some money
if I make a mistake through tiredness, DD could get injured

so on that basis I ought to get more sleep at night

Actually DH does loads for DD and loves it, and we're both very lax about the housework. I'm off out with my mates for a curry tonight while he babysits . But DH still asks me about everything - he got DD her dinner tonight, but he had to ask me what to feed her. Hmm, could this be because I moan at him if he doesn't pick what I would have picked?

I think you all have it pretty good! I work part-time outside the home, DH works full-time. The only thing DH does is take turns bathing DD and putting her down in the evening. He has also watched her on an odd weekend when I've left her with him. Generally though, D and never gets up in the morning with her. I think we got into this pattern also because I breastfed for so long and felt that I had to do everything. I don't complain, but I know things will have to change when we have another baby.

Oh Beccaroll, I could rant for ages here but won't! Haven't read the other replies except Zerub's and I agree: you are doing an IMPORTANT JOB too - you are keeping another human being alive and you need to be sane (well, reasonably) to do this. And that means getting some sleep. In fact not getting sleep is recognised as a form of torture for good reason. So IMO he is being totally unreasonable expecting his life to carry on as before, especially the football, gym, mates - I wouldn't tolerate this. In fact, I'd damn well demand a lie in on a Sunday morning after being sole charge all week, especially if he doesn't even do bedtimes in the week. Anyway, mine isn't a popular view but there you go.

He does very little and to prove it this week he has been away in Florida, golfing and I have not been put out at all. I have missed him and so have the kids but there is nothing I have done that I don't usually. That's bad isn't it. He does work long hours outside the home - 6 days a week as he has his own building company but still the odd bath for dd and ds or story or something. I am gonna have to speak to him about this. In fact I have had less to do cos I haven't cooked for him or done his washing!!

Sometimes I get upset on their behalf - take today for example we went out for lunch with family then he went to the gym (2.30pm) he hasnt come back yet because he popped into his friends then went to his mams for a shower and has gone for a "couple of pints" - tomorrow he is out of the house by 9am to go to football, goes to his Mams then goes to work 3.30-6pm. I spoke to him earlier and asked when he would be back he said "it wont be late as I have to be up for football in the morning" FFS!!! It upsets me that even though he is unaviodably away from the kids during the week he doesnt use his free time to spend time with them (or me for that matter) hmmmmm this has turned into a rant! Sorry!

Becca, hugs and huge amounts of sympathy from me. My Dad was much the same as your dh when we were growing up, carrying on with his football and calling round to his mum's frequently. My mum felt exactly the same as you, and she went back to work full time when me and my sister were both 3 months old. Why should the weekend be time for him to relax and have some 'me' time?
You bloody well gave birth a few weeks ago, all the more reason why you need time to relax and recuperate, it takes far longer for the female body to recover post-childbirth than a couple of weeks!

My dh works most Saturdays as well as all week, and I insisted from when ds1 was born 18 months ago that Sundays be a 'family' day where we went out together somewhere, just the 3 of us. That's even more important now that 7 week old ds2 is here.

If your ds wants to go to the gym/his mam's/play football, he could do it after work when both the children are in bed, in fact, why not take turns to go to the gym or visit friends after work, when you go, dh will have to stay home and babysit.

If you can, try and insist on a 'family day' and at least a couple of nights a week to yourself.
If you don't have some time just for you, even if it's just an hour in the evenings at the gym a couple of nights a week, you'll feel so much better for it.

Until I started doing this, I was beginning to resent everyone around me, especially dh, and even ds's, for me not having any time for me, and it was starting to eat away at our relationships.

Good luck hon, and make sure you look after yourself!

I do think men don't actually think in the same way as women & that's what causes a lot of this. I'm not in the same situation as the rest of you because mine are a lot older but we still have spats over who does what.

I changed jobs this year & now have a 20 mile (45 min) journey each way to my full-time job. I usually get the children up, give them their clean clothes & leave while they are having breakfast. DH works nights & gets in in time (allegedly) to take them to school. He has been making their packed lunches this term.

He works 4 nights a week (mainly weekends). When he isn't at work he wont get up & I've often left the house before he does. That means if I expect him to get the children's clothes he doesn't... when they hear me in the kitchen they get up, and put on yesterdays dirty shirt!! His argument is they are old enough to get their own clothes! (The middle one has ADHD & would wear the same clothes indefinitely if not watched).

When I was working locally I'd take them to the hairdresser after school as soon as they started looking "shaggy". They needed haircuts about a month ago & he won't get around to taking them. I've been asking him all week to make an appointment (I don't know their routine & I'm not here, so there's no point in my doing it- our hairdressers doesn't do reductions for children on Saturdays). Yesterday I handed him the number and said "make an appointment". He went to the phone muttering that it wasn't up to him to make appointments for MY bl*y children... ! Excuse me?! (His IS their father!)

He also has 2-3 full days alone at home with no children around, yet seems to spend an awful lot of time watching TV/visiting his parents, instead of getting on wih what needs doing. My supposed free time at weekends is taken up with grocery shopping & the weeks laundry, & I don't even get a lie in because he wakes me up coming in the front door.

I do sometimes wonder when it's MY turn

I do think a lot of this is to do with how they were treated by their parents. My parents-in-law have a very "traditional" set-up and my fil feels that if he's been working all day he shouldn't have to do much at all when he gets home. I have to say mil supports him on this one and will even make him a full cooked tea when she's going out that evening because she would feel guilty about him having to "fend for himself" (ie, get his own tea!). Mil is a real fuss-pot and won't let anyone do anything for themselves if she can be doing it for them. This winds me up as I was brought up to be very independent and I like doing things myself. Dh has a brother and he is just like fil. His wife is a SAHM but also waits on him hand foot and finger when he gets in form work and sorts their 2 kids out. Bil "has to" have time on his own, in front of the computer or out riding his bike. However, my dh is the opposite to this and I think that it's because he is more like his mum in a lot of ways and resented seeing her run ragged when he was growing up. It does annoy me, though, when mil comments "isn't he good with dd/aren't you lucky, etc." just because he does his fair share and is a hands-on dad. What about me? Aren't I "good"; isn't he "lucky"?! (he tells me I'm great; but I'd like to hear it from his mil!!!)
My sil comes from India and lived with dh's parents for a while when she first came over. I think she thought all blokes were like fil and bil and has since learned she's got a bit of a rough deal!

Agree Moomin - you NEVER hear anyone saying "ahh, look at her feeding her children bless her" do you?

Moomin I agree with you about how people have been brought up in their thinking of housework.

TBH it worked the opposite way for me. I remember growing up and my dad having a full time job and coming home doing housework. The house was always like a palace. My mum worked then sat on her arse when she came home, oh except for the laundry.I cannot remember my mum once cleaning and tidying.My parents are still like this even to this day. I just thought the whole situation was unfair to my dad thats why I thought and did when I grew up I would do the housework. (dont ask me why)
Since I have had my own home I have done it all as I did not want to be like my mum but found over the last 12 months that I am getting too tired and old for all this running around.
I had to go on STRIKE to get some sort of help. It wasnt pleasant but I am now appreciated and they all pull their weight.I still do the majority but not all of it IYKWIM

My dh who works full time (I'm a SAHM) went to the supermarket this am to do the weekly shop and met two female work colleagues who wanted to know if I was sick!
who did they think was minding the 3 kids then?

DH also baths the kids and puts them to bed almost every night

Just glanced at this thread - have to dash - but utterly agree with WWW.

I'm currently on maternity leave, but dp walks in through the door and pretty well takes over quite a lot of the time: he's been doing masses of the cooking recently because I've been run down; he spends loads of time with dd1 (baths her every night, plays with her loads over the w/end, takes her out to the supermarket - oh yes, he does the supermarket shoppping too). I do more with dd2 but that's because she's only 16 weeks and I'm breastfeeding her - he also spends time with her, and has done the occasional expressed bottle-feed while I'm out. TBH neither of us has got out much over the past 16 weeks, but I have gone to an evening pilates class whereas he's not done his regular t'ai chi. He did go away for a w/end (old friend's wedding) and he does have to do the (VERY) occasional out-of-hours work session.

Makes him sound like a saint, but I'm still convinced I do everything - he's certainly not a shiny New Man.

I wasn't going to write on this thread because my DH is pretty darntastic when it comes to around the home ... he would be a much better SAHD than I am a SAHM .... but WWW and Moomin's posts caught my eye and reminded me of something.

I suffered from pretty bad PND when DS was born and was pretty useless at everything ... DH took over and did absolutely everything bar feed the baby. I remember having a cry and a rant at my mum when I was feeling really low one day and at the end of my raving all she said was "Poor Mr Ghosty!" I lost it! "Poor Mr Ghosty Nothing" I shouted an slammed down the phone. My mum is very traditional and she said all the things like "No one said it would be a walk in the park" and "Pull yourself together, we've all been through it" and stuff like that. She felt that I should be concentrating on my DH and not myself ...
She and my dad think the sun shines out of DH's bottom because he can cook, clean, look after DS ... and that he is a saint having to 'look' after me ....
IMO DH is as much DS' parent as I am ... I work all day as a SAHM ... and he works all day in an office ... from 6pm onwards we are BOTH still on duty IYSWIM!!!! Why should the husband come home and put his feet up and read the paper and not be disturbed?? B***ks to that I say ...

Beccaroll,

The very least your dh can do is give you a lie in on the weekend - both Sat and Sunday morning, and get up in the night on Friday and Saturday nights, as he doesn't have the excuse of work the next day on these occasions.

Also if he is going to beggar off to play football on Sunday morning, then he has to give you protected time for a few hours at the weekend in return when you get the chance to read a book / shop / flake out or whatever your priority is.

Re my dh - when I was on mat leave and he was working, I got up exclusively in the night. In our case I thought this was fair because my dh does around 100 - 200 miles driving a day in his job and I didn't want him falling asleep at the wheel. When I went back to work this fortuitously coincided with our daughter sleeping through the night - I'm not sure what we would have worked out if she hadn't been....

Currently, we both get up and leave for work at the same time. DH gets 15 month old daughter up and changes her nappy, dresses her and gives her some toast whilst I am in the shower. I then take her to Day Nursery. I leave work early and am home by 17.00 so I then have her exclusively until bed time (since Dh is still working). At the weekend he gives me a lie in both days because he is a naturally early riser - and not a bad bloke tbh. Also, he does tend to dedicate the weekends to us. Around the house he does all the ironing - although I do most of everything else, but he has recently conceded that we need a cleaner and I have arranged one.

On the whole he does okay, however if dd is sick and has to be taken out of the Day Nursery it is invariably me who is expected to take time off work and look after her and not him! - My one major gripe!