Controlled crying DOES work! For me anyway!

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

Been having a problem with ds waking up at 4 and 5am and screaming and yelling until we bring him into our bed whereupon he settles immediately. However we are not entirely happy with this arrangement and have been trying to get him to stay in his own bed. Yet I've been too soft to leave him to cry.

He came back from creché after lunch and they said he hadn't had his afternoon nap, so I brought him home, played with him for a bit, read his books and then took him to bed. He has screamed and thrown a tantrum up there for half an hour. I went up just 10 mins ago to lie him back down and reassure him, but I did not get him up. Now he has finally gone quiet and probably to sleep! This is encouraging because when he wakes up at 4am tomorrow morning I know that he will go back to sleep again if I leave him, which is exactly what I intend to do!

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

2 nights. Not bad!

[Twiglett]

well I, horror of horrors .. did cry it out with DS .. it worked .. and very quickly too

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

Well done Twigs! Stuff what other people think, if you find a method that works then you gotta use it!

[myturn]

Used CC for all of mine. Awful at first and very hard to do but it definately works.

[mymama]

I can see why people do controlled crying but I think 20 mins is excessive!! 20 minutes is like a lifetime to small children and I can only imagine what it would be like when they are that upset in the middle of the night. Yes I do have 3 kids and I did controlled crying with my first child as everyone harped on at me that she should be sleeping through (she was 2) but never left her longer than 5 mins at a time. I got much wiser with other two and put them in their cot while still awake from day one and never had a problem. I really think sometimes that we get too caught up with "controlling" them and when the routine goes out there must be something wrong. As adults we all love comfort and reassurance and have days where we feel off. How many of us "need" a cup of tea or a wine after a difficult day. Our babies and children are the same in that they may just want some extra love and comfort. The one time I did leave my dd for longer than 5 mins it turned out she had was sick and had thrown up in her cot. I never left her for that long again.

[SNOWaMANda]

Rhuby, how great this has worked for you!

I did this with dd when she was younger than your ds and it took about 3 nights and she was sleeping through. Best thing I ever did!

[Twiglett]

controlled crying works because parents refuse to be manipulated by their children and in this case parents do know best .. a good night's sleep is SO important for development and happy play the next day

I think saying that they're 'upset' isn't quite the right word .. manipulative would be .. they are in a comfortable, safe place .. they just want what they want

[collision]

I disagree mymama. I can see why you would be upset at your child being sick in the cot but generally children do try to manipulate and there are times when you have to put your foot down.

Generally, we know when our children are tired and need to sleep and if they wake in the night then, in a lot of circumstances, I think it is better to leave them to settle themselves.

Now that ds2 is in the playroom and we dont hear him as loudly, it means we all get a good nights sleep and are better for it in the morning!

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

Mymama, I can see where you are coming from, I hate leaving him crying, my instincts as a mother scream against it! But once you have checked that their nappy is ok, that they are not ill, not thirsty, etc, then I'm afraid you have to leave them!

We made a rod for our own backs with ds, when he woke up crying at 7am we would bring him into our bed for an extra half hours sleep. Then he started waking up earlier and earlier, and each time it was easier for us to bring him into our bed where he fell asleep instantly. However this didn't suit us as we didn't particularly appreciate getting woken at 5am every morning by a screaming 2yo. Plus me and dh don't sleep well with him in our bed.

When we left him crying, I could tell that he wasn't in distress, his crying was angry, he would shout us too, then pause to see if we were coming. He would also throw out his sleeping ted because he knew that we knew he wouldn't sleep without his ted, so we would go in to put ted back, so it was a way of getting us to go to him! They are never too young to learn the art of manipulation!

[UCM]

Hey I am so glad it worked. And you are right as long as your child is safe, warm (as in pjs & blankets, I might add) has a bottle/dummy/comforter etc then it's ok to leave them crying. My instincts screamed against it as well but now we have a 2.2 yr old who goes to bed at 7pm and wakes up around 6.30/7am which is fine because I have had a good nights kip and feel refreshed.

Fingers crossed, hope it lasts.

[Elibean]

I never used CC when DD was really little (used pick up/put down) but when she hit around 14 months I started to sometimes feel manipulated by her crying - it had a new, angrier note in it - and then I did. I didn't have the confidence to leave her all on her own at first, but would sit in the dark in an armchair in her room and say nothing: it worked fine, she was usually asleep within 5 minutes. Now she is nearly two, we have no problems - 99% of the time. But every few weeks, she wakes up with a nightmare or something and doesn't settle herself again - those times, I'm not really sure what to do: she doesn't sleep well in our bed (me, either!) but screams blue murder to come in with me anyway. What I've done so far is let her come in for an hour or two, then stuck her back in her cot once asleep. I can do CC when I'm clear its not fear or illness thats causing the crying, but when I'm not sure I play safe - any ideas??

[artyjoe]

I am wanting/needing to try CC with my DD but am not sure it is appropriate as the only reason she wakes is for her dummy. She has been better this week at finding it herself and putting it in, but it can take a while. She is waking between 5 and 11 times from midnight until 6am, and this has been going on for 10 months! (knackered icon)

Doctor and HV say I should do CC but I'm not sure as she's dependent on the dummy, she's not waking for cuddles or reassurance or mum or dad, she just wants dummy and then immediately settles again.

Any advice MN? Doctor seems quite harsh with me, but I know I'm a soft touch when it comes to her crying. What do you think? I can't wean her off the dummy as she's teething and is a nightmare without it during the day.

Help !

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

Hi artyjoe, how old is your dd? My dd used to have a dummy at night from about 6 months old to around 2.5 years old. Then one day I told her that she was a big girl now and that we would throw the dummy in the bin because she was so grown up (previously she wouldn't sleep without it). We went into town and she picked a toy that she really wanted, this was to replace her dummy. When we got home she threw the dummy in the bin herself and we had a 'mini-celebration' of her being all 'grown-up'. I learnt this from Mumsnet. I was very skeptical about it working, but she went to bed without a murmur and never asked for her dummy again!

I think you do need to try CC, same with Elibean. If they have a nightmare, you can go in and soothe them obviously, but once they are soothed you must leave. If they have you there to fall asleep then they become reliant on you and they cannot get to sleep without you.

Try replacing the dummy with a comforter, like a nice soft teddy. Dummies are a nightmare at night because they do lose them and you find yourself at 3am on your hands and knees trying to locate the lost dummy! Between 5 and 11 times to wake is too much imo! Not only is it knackering for your child, but it doesn't do you any good either.

Read the whole thread and read Hulababy's thread too (link down here somewhere), once you try CC, it can be a nightmare for around 2 nights, but within 3 nights they are usually sleeping through and you wonder why you didn't try it before! I would do it at a weekend though, when you don't have to get up for work!

[Elibean]

Yes, and thanks,....but so far, soothing in her own room has proved impossible. She's not really awake - guess its night terror type stuff - just hysterical, screaming to get out of the room. Oh well, I guess as its only once every few weeks, she's not really getting into any habits - if it was getting more frequent I'd worry more. Maybe its a phase...

[Elibean]

Re dummies...DD had one till she was 6 months old, and we DID do a version of CC at that point because she was starting to wake up at night for it. I did pu/pd, and after the first couple of nights it was fine and she slept through again - but as the HV said, losing the dummy at 6 months is one thing, later is another!

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

I know about this! The experts say that during an episode of 'night terrors' whether you are there or not is irrelevant, they can't tell as they are still asleep. You must never wake them. Keep your eye on them but leave them be, within 10 minutes they should quieten down and go back to sleep properly. All children go through this, and yes, it is just a phase!

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

You have a very supportive HV!

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

[artyjoe]

Hi Cliff...

My DD is 11 months old. She does actually sleep with two teddies and if the dummies come out she can be found stuffing them in her mouth whilst crying!

We have several dummies in the cot, all on the soother holders so she can find them, and she is getting slightly better. I feel that I'm strong enough to start CC (only for 5 minutes granted) but just wasn't sure if it was appropriate when it is for a dummy that she's not finding...I kind of feel it's my fault for allowing her to have the dummy and now I'm expecting her to not have it...but 11 months of absolutely no sleep is hard going.

I don't mind her having the dummy and I'd be happy to look forward a few years and do a celbration of growing up, but as she's not finding it on her own, it's becoming an issue.

Do you think it is appropriate?

Joe

[mymama]

Not completely against controlled crying - just the 20 minutes. I am one of those mummies that scours books, magazines, internet and mum's groups but I have not found anywhere yet that said okay to leave 20 mins at such a young age. I think 3 to 5 mins at a time for under 3 is completely acceptable. For those of you who do naughty step the advice for that is the number of minutes per year of age - thought controlled crying was the same timeframes. I know they manipulate but really, what is so wrong with a cuddle at 5:00am?? I consider this to be sleeping through. Part of parenting is less sleep and we Just need to adjust for a few years.How many healthy/normal 7 year olds are still getting up 5 times a night???

[Elibean]

Just my opinion, but...I doubt there are any 'one for all' rules on this one (or most things). Kids and parents vary so much, as do their sleep needs/patterns! For me personally, CC didn't fit or make sense when DD was a little baby - but it did, to some extent, when she started to become a toddler: but I gage so much on the nature of her cry, and my own response - hard to go on intuition at times, but I'm more comfortable that way. Others aren't, and fair enough.
CRSEIH...I think I misrepresented my poor HV! She actually was supportive, I was desperate for sleep and DD was starting to backslide at night because of her dummy...HV gave me the support/permission to decide to get rid of the dummy at 6 months. DD only used it at night, and was just starting to get dependent and wake up for it - so we stopped it before she became more attached. I didn't leave her alone to cry at that point - because I too felt responsible for having got her used to it in the first place, so I did pu/pd through those first nights.
With the night terrors, yes, I've heard that too - but maybe I'm getting it wrong, because thats not how it is with dd. Its hard to explain in writing. She is 'out of it' but aware at the same time, perhaps more shocked from a bad dream than night terror?? No idea, really - but she DOES respond to being removed from her room, immediately. I guess she thinks she can 'get away' from the bad dream. Anyway, I appreciate the posts - and will try sitting in her room through it next time. I'm not leaving her alone at that point (really doesn't feel right, for me, its such a rare event it doesn't feel manipulative or habit-like) but I will try either staying in her room, or giving her ten minutes in ours to feel safe then straight back to bed. Will report back!

[blueshoes]

Hi, for those of you for whom CC worked, do you find that you have to re-train ever so often eg after illness or just random wanting to go back to the "bad habits"? I am genuinely interested to know, having had limited CC work to some success but finding myself constantly having to reinforce every 2 months or so.

[Elibean]

yes, definitely! I've only used very limited CC (not needed more) but DD will 'test' every few months. When she was younger it was every few weeks. I suspect its a developmental thing with her, and she has to re-check the boundaries to get comfy with her new status each time she 'grows up' another notch! Ditto if we have changes (holidays, trips away) or illness. Much less often now at 2 yrs.

[Twiglett]

hey mymummy

scour this

"It is ok to leave your baby to cry for longer than 20 minutes"

well its no different from a magazine article is it

[mymama]

20 minutes is a lifetime to a small child. These are young children that we say cannot reason/share/predict consequences but are expected to sleep well all night every night!!! Do you ever wake up and can't go back to sleep/got a fright from a noise or hungry because you did not eat much dinner??? Children are little people too. I just think small children being left to cry themselves back to sleep for 20 mins or more is a bit harsh. I am certainly no earth mother but I copped the lack of sleep as part of being a parent. We did choose to have the children.