How do you know if it's bullying?

[Dancergirl]

I feel so sad for dd1 (10)

She was a bit upset this evening and we had a heart-to-heart. I knew she had been feeling a bit out of things at school as she isn't interested at all in pop music/celebrities etc. She finds it all a bit boring and she says some of the girls in her class have nothing else to talk about. She had a few wobbles over friends at the beginning of Year 5 (I know it's a horrible time for girls) but found some new friends in the class and seemed a lot happier. But she knows she's not 'cool' and feels that she's different.

However it transpired tonight from talking to her that this has been happening: several girls in the class have been gathering round her, taunting her, saying things like 'do you like/know [insert pop group/song/celebrity]?', knowing full well that she doesn't. She seems sure they say it in a sneery way rather than just making conversation. She says she feels really embarrassed. One of these girls in question was her best friend since reception but has recently dropped dd.

I just don't know if it's one of those school things or something nastier. She's too embarrassed to talk to her teacher about it but thinks she would maybe me like to talk to him.

We had a long talk but how the hell do I help her? We've obviously got the summer break now and I told her we would think of strategies together for when school starts. She only really opens up to me, not to dh or teachers.

i think a reasonable "comeback" to those kinds of comments is just somehting very simple like "no, i'm not really interested in that" or just plain old "no" and then walk off (is possible)

but yes, i would talk to the teacher and yes, i do think it's bullying. it's done on purpose, to cause distress, and it is being done repeatedly... that counts as bullying in my book,
if she has said she would like you to talk to the teacher then you def should, so that she sees you listening to her and taking her seriously.

do you ahve contact details for the girls she is friends with? it might be nice if you could meet up over the holidays? just to reinforce those friendships and give them some stuff to talk about together when they get back

I would reinforce the friendships she already has and also with any friends she has out of school. As long as she has confidence in herself and knows that you are on her side she will find it easier to get through this. I was similarly bullied when I was young but I never had the advantage she has got of talking to you, her mum. I always felt my mum agreed with the bully girls and didn't really like me as I was - that affected me a lot more than the bullying. So as long as your dd knows that the bullies are the pathetic small minded ones and that she its great as she is, I am sure she will be fine. It is worth talking to the teacher but there is a limit to what he can do as so many girls are bitchy.

I was like this at school f'in hated the mainstream crap pop and celebrity stuff was majorly embarrassed when I got bought blue jeans magazine when adam ant was in it - I liked him when he was all bondage-y! I used to like music that was alternative, world etc Janice Long, Andy Kershaw and John Peel were the only radio I listened to. I would get out of these comments by saying that Rick Astley and Wham were all children's bands and 'Ok I suppose, but only if you like being told what to like' .

My rather skewed advice is to get her into some obscure genre that her friends won't get, and take her to some music festivals, eg bestival etc that are more mixed and she can then feel her position is special not deficient.

Are you in a small town by any chance? Small towns seem to me to be absolute slaves to a very narrow band of 'acceptable'.