Siblings fighting. A family in need

[char861]

I am struggling. My ds6 and ds3 fight, argue, hit, scream all the time. My Dh and I are going crazy. It wasnt always like this but as the youngest got a bit older they started playing more. But now its, I want the green plate, no I want the green plate, I was sitting there, I want to sit there. My Ds6 hits his little bro out of frustration and not getting his own way and the youngest is just as bad. I am a student nurse and trying so so hard to pass uni, keep the peace and do things with the kids but I fear I am heading downhill and feel bad I am away from them so much. On their own they are fantastic but they just dont seem to get along. I have tried shouting (bad mummy), ignoring, taking toys away, but when it gets violent I have to step in and separate them. Any advice welcome, I feel I should never of went to uni when they were so young but I was trying to better our lives. The childminder told me they were fine at hers, (my heart sank when she said that) I am doing something wrong I think. I dont get 2 seconds to myself not even for the toilet. Its at least 20 times a day. please help

Not the tiolet, the fighting, lol. Any ideas or do i need to call super nanny :)

Sounds like they are trying to get your attention by doing this, which is why they don't bother at the childminder's. You have my sympathy, mine also fight, not so often, but when they do its awful. I have to physically seperate them sometimes. Try not to take sides or judge whos right or wrong. And encourage, praise etc!!!

Good luck!

There's a book called 'Siblings without Rivalry' by the same people who wrote 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk'. Though I haven't read the former (only one dc so far) I vouch for the latter and think their other work must be worth a look

I'm sure it has nothing to do with you going to uni when they were young. It's pretty normal for siblings to fight, sone more than others and it's also very common for children to behave well at school, childminders etc and play up at home. As they feel they can get away with it a bit more at home.

My DDs are a year older than yours (7 and 4) and when my DDs fight over something, I always tell them they have two minutes to resolve the issue and then if they can't share the toy, I'm taking it away from both of them. I've been doing this for a year now and its amazing how they can compromise when they are at risk of both losing the object. In fact, I do this for almost all things they bicker over and tbh, just the threat these days makes them work it out. Be warned though, that if you take it away, you have to keep it away for at least a day so that they feel the pain of not having the thing they were fighting over. My two have turned in good little compromisers now.

when my DDs fight over something, I always tell them they have two minutes to resolve the issue and then if they can't share the toy, I'm taking it away from both of them.

I am very impressed that that tactic works in any family. I have very spiteful DC and that so totally doesn't work. Although they may both lose it, one of them always minds so much more than the other; the one who didn't really care sits and gloats about the loss while the other one gets hysterical and then out of control furious about the loss. It's very unbalanced.

Something that does work is making them all combatents sit somewhere with nothing else to do (like bottom of the stairs) and work out their dispute (can't leave until resolved, and I may well need to hover to prevent violence). This truly is a punishment to all concerned, and is effective as long as I am physically able to hover (important phone call or toddler needing toilet, that kind of thing seems to always intervene).

Children do fight, it's part and parcel of family life. With ours they had their own chair at the table and in the car- no room for arguments. Same with cups, plates whatever, so they couldn't argue.

If it makes you feel any better my DS has been winding up DD non stop this week and they seem to be permanently squabbling. She is 4 and he is 21 (yes years)

Good morning,
I am not a mum but a dad, in fact a granddad.
I have a problem with my two children, daughter 37 and son 34. They both seem to hate each other and it creates so much sadness for my partner and I.
I realise that 'sibling rivalry' exists, but these are two grown-ups and I just cannot figure the whole thing out.
Does anyone out there experience anything like this? Any comments would be helpful.

user 14991.. I think it's better if your create your own thread (Scroll up and "start new thread in this topic"). I'm sure you'll get better replies.

OP, don't give up. You're doing so well and having an education is always the way to go. So well done on doing a degree whilst having two little ones. You just need the strength to keep going.

And this is so hard when they fight and argue so much...but like others said, it's normal. They do it around you because they're really competing for attention. Mine do it all the time. there are some good techniques mentioned here.

I make sure I give each child proper attention every day. My thinking is that if they know they get their attention, they'll be less likely to fight and will be happier.

...and I know how hard giving attention is when you have a million other things you must do... But remember, this is only whilst they're little. You'll blink and they'll be older and more independent and off to their rooms (and friends'). You just have to go through the hard bit now... I'm afraid. But you can do it!

Thanks for that - have now started a new thread. I will get this Mumsnet thing!!!