Ok so, we have a ds who is nearly five. We only have one child so far because he was a terrible terrible sleeper for the first two years, then we realised we could only afford one child in childcare at a time and would have to wait until ds started school so we put everything on the back burner.
In the meantime we began to love having an only! Life is so easy now, he has spent the past hour in his bedroom playing farm, we go for tea and cake together a few times a week and afterwards we sit in the cafe for ages with me reading a book and ds playing with toys we've brought along, he sleeps in and I have to wake him at 9am so I'm far from sleep deprived, he travels well and last year all three of us went off to Asia for 6 months travelling. So all in all I love having an only. But there is a niggle!
I feel I need to make a decision now, there will be a 5.5 year gap between the two kids if I get pregnant now. I would prefer there not to be a bigger age gap. Plus I'll be 35 when the baby would be born.
The main problem is that I change my mind about 50 million times a day!! If a person were to ask me at twenty minute intervals whether I wanted a second child or not there would be a different answer each time! Well more realistically I have days where I am feeling homely and then I think 'yeah, I could have another', then days when I read some work related things or travel related things and think 'why would I want a baby, babies tie you down!'.
About 6 months ago we decided to try anyway. I got pregnant, then spent every day feeling like peeling my skin off and running away as fast as I could and wishing it would all go away. Then it did! I miscarried. I felt a mixture of relief and sadness. But now I'm back from our travels and at home with ds before my job starts again at Christmas I keep on imagining a baby there with us. And when I daydream about the future there is always a second child in that future.
Dh said I was incapable of making my mind up so he would decide for me. He decided we'd stick at one, he sees the practical benefits (more time, money, quiet) but said he does have a small sadness (but only small as I had to convince him to even consider more than one initially).
What is going on with me? Any advice? Just to add, I know that there are many people on mn that want children and can't have them and that my miscarriage feeling could be viewed as horrible, I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm very sorry if I have.