Do we all find it hard to cope but just don't tell?

[knittakid]

I have a 4 months old baby, he's great, I've had trouble accepting horrible birth and although was referred to have counselling by my GP the hospital refused and suggested some of the voluntary organizations. I have not yet heard from them. Anyway, I'm finding it really hard to cope, and I'm lucky, dh works part time and from home so he does the cooking and is around to help, but despite all this I am constantly in a bad mood, really grumpy and meta-depressed - depressed about not enjoying it all, etc and instead being down...
I see friends that have babies and they all seem so happy, say everything is great and how much they are enjoying it, etc. How do they do it?
Sorry it's such a long post, I just would love to hear from you wonderful mneters on how you cope, wether you had it easy or not. Thank you.

Hi Knittakid,
Really sorry to hear what is happening to you. Most people I know, including myself, find being a parent really hard and I mean really hard work. There are days when I just want to walk out of the house on my own for a few hours (which is why I work as it is a bit of me time where I am treated as a human and because I know what I am doing in my job so it feels like I am in control just a little bit!).

First thing you have to realise, some people lie when they say they are having no problems or that it is all wonderful. Some (and I have yet to meet them) probably are yummy mummys and love it (and good luck to them if they are). But the majority are not- they have good and bad times but it may not be obvious to outsiders.

It is always worse if you have had little sleep and they have had very little sleep. I have 2 under 4 and my little one has only recently just started to sleep through on a regular basis (she is 1 1/2). This has made all the difference. Also I have found that being around second time mum's has helped as they tend to be more honest and are more confident about discussing problems because they know it is normal and does not mean you are a failure.

What I have really found useful is getting out of the house .It is hard to start with but gets easier the more you do. You also meet other mums the more you go and you can then meet a wider group of people helping you to to make friends with people you have things in common with other than having a child the same age. Look for mother and baby walking groups as being outside did me the world of good. Other good things are baby swim, baby sensory, singing time at libraries, baby massage and yoga (sure start centres tend to run these for very little money). Doesn't matter if your child is too young to get much out of it, its about you. Get out of the house every day if you can, I have found it makes you feel a bit better.

Hope this helps.

I found aspects having a young baby difficult - colic and sleep being my main stresses. But I never felt I was not "coping" iyswim?

That word would flag up to me that you need help, having newborns made me be on cloud nine for the first fortnight then felt waves of boredom and frustration for the first couple of years.

Totally know where you are coming from on the birth trauma tho - with dc1 I had a post pregnancy related condition that was very painful and distracting.

If you can take some time out for yourself, have a long bath, go for a swim...excercise really helps the baby blues. :)

You were me. I hated all the other new mums who were coping so well and deeply resented their offers of help as they just reinforced that I was not coping as well as them. I think that you are a wee bit depressed by the huge change, the trauma that you have goine through and the fact that your life is no longer your own - the latter is a really big deal - being "on duty" 24hrs. I felt overwhelmed that this was IT, forever, I would never get time to me ever again.
The good news is
a) I got some antidepressants and the things that drove me into sadness before, like waking up AGAIN, four times, just don't bother me as much. I roll with the punches better.
b) As the kid gets older s/he gets easier (for now at least!) They do get more self-entertaining and become better company. I have travelled with mine a lot now, long haul flights and weeks in hotel with just me and him and he is great company.
c) I put him in day care for a few hours a week. Nominally "to get used to it before I go back to work" but really, honestly, to give myself sofa time! I feel better for it.

They do get to be a joy, honest, you are not alone.

I had a conversation with a friend (our babies are two weeks apart) just when we both felt we were coming out 'the other side' in terms of confidence and getting to grips with being a new mum. I said that some days were very dark and lonely and there was one occasion when i just thought "right, i'm totally fed up, i'm leaving. I'm leaving my baby and i'm leaving my DH. For good." I was surprised to hear that my friend had the exact same thought at one point. It was a fleeting thought and disappeared as soon as it entered my head, but there were moments when i was quite low, despite having the most chilled out, unbelievably laid back baby. It's hard knowing that life will never be the same again and you just don't feel like you for a while. Of course you're still you, but a different you and it does get easier and more enjoyable as you come to terms with how your life has changed and adapt accordingly. It also puts more strain on your relationship than you ever believed was possible BC (Before Children) and this is another dimension that adds to your feelings.

But now my DS is 8.5 months and i can honestly say i cannot imagine my life without him - nor do i know what we did before he arrived!

For the record, i found that everything felt so much more natural and got easier from about 4 months but there are still days when i don't feel i'm coping very well.

I've been trying to reply for the past two days, and have not been able too... sorry this is going to be rather hurried to see if I manage to actually post it!
Thank you so much for all your replies, it helps sooo much to know that I'm not alone and a freak by feeling lost. My baby was planned, I loved him even before he was conceived (but that love had to change to real love for the person he is rather than my idea of him) and all of that, so it has been a huge shock to feel like this, and it is just a massive sense of loosing myself and not being in any sense 'me'. I feel very selfish feeling this and so the guilt just makes everything worse and worse, etc. Matana thank you for mentioning the things it does to relationships, that has also been a masive shock. Those from the Feb thread

knittakid thanks for getting back, don't worry about moaning on the Feb thread, we all do it, thats why there are so many posts . Keep lurking if you like and good luck, hope you let us know how you are getting on.

knitta I can second what wiggles said about us all moaning. I lurked for quite a while as couldn't get it together to post but it's so much better to get things off your chest. Also just to let you know you're not alone re sex, OH and I have only dtd twice sine B was born and he'll be six months on Saturday. I've developed a fear of getting pg again and find it so frightening.
Anyway, thinking of you and glad to hear back from you.

Just wanted to say it's only now my baby is at school that other mums are admitting how much they have struggled. I don't know why. I guess we all want to feel it's all going well and keep positive and also we are making new friends and don't want to come across all negative. But I haven't come across anyone who's found it easy - one way or another. Just try and hang in there is my advice. Don't try to be perfect, just do what works for you.

Having a baby is really hard, at least I found it to be. I had always been a very baby-oriented person, been desperately broody for a long time, couldn't wait to be a mum. I had a lot of help from family on both mine and DH's sides. DH is wonderful. And yet there were times when DD1 was little that I'd felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life, and desperately wanted to run away. Looking back I think I did have mild depression. DD slept terribly and I felt like a zombie for the first 8/9 months of her life. I remember when she was 7 months the HV asked if she was on 3 meals a day, I said no just lunch and dinner. HV told me I should start her on breakfast. I was really upset although I didn't say anything to the HV, the reason she wasn't having breakfast is because I was far too exhausted in the morning to face giving her a meal and all the cleanup etc!

But it got better. In my case, what helped was around 9 months I partially night-weaned her which meant I had an uninterrupted stretch of sleep from 11pm-4am, and gradually I started to feel better. This time round, DD2 is 9 weeks and I'm feeling pretty good (miles better than after DD1 was born) although I have ups and downs. Thankfully she sleeps really well. On days when she doesn't, I know it would be very very easy for me to slip back into feeling miserable.

I found it really bloody hard and don't think I held back from saying so, neither did any of my friends.

Now mine are 2 and 4 I feel it is getting easier, although I do still have bad days.

Needto the first time i couldn't sleep afterwards just from fear of precisely that too! bloody frightening. I'll try and find the thread again, promise. really gladto hear from you and wiggles, thanks for posting!

Thanks blewit, I am trying to not compare myself to others and do what I can do.
Zimbah, I do sympathise, ds is a good sleeper, if he wasn't I'd be on medication already (which maybe would be a good thing?)
Trixymalixy, you must have had really good friends! the trouble is meeting new people at this time, so nobody has the confidence to actually say that they are not enjoying it, perhaps they are! but not me, not all the time anyway.

Whenever I can I really try to be positive, like this morning he was in the bedroom and before I walked in I thought to myself, there is a baby on the bed! my baby! and walked in and there he was! perhaps I'm crazy, today has been a good day.

Yes we all find it hard...

I have 2 DDs, 5 and 7. 19 months between them, really hard going, harder now than when they were babies (and I never thought I would say that). I work full time at a stressful, responsible job, have a DH who works a 45 hour week (which means i do the cooking, cleaning childcare as well), and am studying for my masters degree. It is really hard, some weeks i don't have any time to myself... when I am not being a mum I am working or studying.

BUT it is worth it... when I blow raspberries on my 5yo's tummy (7yo will not stand for that anymore ;)), when DD1 sits on my knee and tells me what sort of day she's had, good or bad.

It is hard work though.