Competitive/pushy conversations - how do you deal with them?

[normalshmormal]

I've noticed a pattern where a friend will say "My DC weighs X now" or "has X number teeth" or "eats olives" or "has gone up to the next car seat now"..... etc etc and it just changes according to the stage of development.

I find myself getting irritated as either a) DS seems behind and I feel vulnerable, or b) DS is 'ahead' but I can't say because I'll look like a dick!

So I just smile and say "great" or something like that...

The culprits are usually the same handful of people (who I can't avoid) and I sometimes find myself just going quiet because I'm not sure what to say.

I'm aware that this will go on forever to the point of 'my DC has an astrophysics degree' and beyond so I'd like to know now if others are bothered by this stuff and what they do, to help me deal with these people for the next 20yrs plus!

I wouldn't describe "My DC weighs X now" or "has X number teeth" or "eats olives" or "has gone up to the next car seat now" as pushy or competitive. None of those are really achievements I wouldn't have thought. Just comments about the child.

Yes, totally agree with blewit re swimming lessons. I actually started a thread a while ago about it and people came out of the woodwork with hysterical stories.

I have learnt, with advice from the other thread, to change the subject to something else. EG books, films, weather etc.

IIRC by the time DS was 1 yo it stopped until he started school. I did find when people said DC doesn't use X or Y now they're too advanced I would say, oh I'll borrow it if that's OK DS would love to use it. Saved me a fortune and I'm sure made their little geniuses more superior.

I love to egg them on to boast more & more about what great things their mighty mites are doing. Whilst saying nothing at all about my own DC (they don't care, anyway, do they?) Honestly, it's great stuff to think back on come School Sports Day and their would-be prodigy stops to pick own nose while yours races on to win the event.

Ohhhh...
When does discussing become boasting?
For example, "DS has just started crawling/eating xxx/getting his teeth. Has yours?" I do this to elicit conversation and advice as I don't have family close by so am basically doing this on my own with DH.
Am I the mother that Mumsnet warned me about?!

What, you mean your 8 month old hasn't got his Gold Swimming and Diving Badge yet?

Loved the comment at the beginning of thread about "shitting on pouffes".

Well, he does do golden things near water - usually peeing in the bath

I agree Fuzzled. I dont know many babies, im the first in my fam to have one so I look for advice form other mothers alot.

Normalshnoraml Those things you mentioned dont really seem like things you would brag about! Its just natural development isnt it?!

I agree some mothers are very competitive but also alot of mothers are very touchy when it comes to discussing parenting (me included sometimes!)

if you want to be really mean, you just make a negative comment - there's always one to be found
teeth - oh what a shame, the enamel will soon be all eroded [sad face]
swimming - oh yes, of course we were so worried about the risk from all the chemicals that we decided to leave swimming until they were older
eating olives - oh dear, so salty, never mind

I don't actually do that but it's always tempting

Just say "that's nice" and change the subject.

This type of parent doesn't get any better I am afraid, before you know it is all chat about reading stages and who got what part at the Nativity play.

Are you sure that people are trying to be competitive when they say "dc has gone up to the next level of car seat" or "has 10 teeth"?

Either they are making normal conversation (and with small babies lots of time is spent discussing what they eat/how much they weigh, what car seat you are using etc) or if they are being competitive on these topics they are just immensely pathetic and don't raise to the bait.

Well said Fuzzled!

I have heard the car seat thing and it was a boast. as you say it is very sad. some people just get a bit caught up in the whole baby thing I think

Mercibucket, really? People are crazy!

oooooh yes!

It gets worse as they get older!! As a mum of a 7yo... I find the best thing is just to grit your teeth and ignore or say hmm, hmm?, oh? - this too will pass!!! Don;t worry too much :0 xx

Back from pouffe shitting!

Yeah definitely boasts, and all the more bonkers by actually not really being achievements but natural progression (8 month olds just do what they do) as pointed out by an earlier poster!

Car seats for sure 'he was getting so bored facing backwards, he needs the stimulation so I lied to the sales woman about his weight' Said to me on Saturday.

I am aware that we all talk about babies at groups etc because that's what we have in common, and that's fine. It's a minority that seem to have this pushy agenda.

I think being specific, it is when the parent says something to make themselves feel better (and often in making the comparison, the other person feel worse) rather than in the interest of normal two way conversation.

I like 'that's great, does he/she enjoy it' because it is deflects without being rude and will work from milk teeth to astrophysics degrees... Will use.

Off to fabricate a 100m butterfly certificate for DS

Fortunately I've only encountered one so far. Her ds and mine are a few days apart age wise yet her ds can walk.

The week he learnt she actually told my son that he needed to learn now. :/

One of the good things about me being the 1o breadwinner is that DH goes to the groups not me and is completely impervious to this sort of thing . I have various ishoos and often end up feeling a bit inadequate/peeved by this kind of comment but it all just completely bypasses him.

I really can't abide the pushy parent conversations.

Mine & a friends 6 yr old DCs recently took part in a short fun run for charity. Afterwards my friend proceeded to lie about how long it took her DC by taking at least 2 & a half minutes off the childs race time. I had to laugh when I realised that she was telling people such a fast race time as not many adults could run 2k in 10 minutes never mind a small child who doesn't go to athletics or exercise outside of school. I did say that she should be very proud as that speed from a 6 year old is amazing.

Preparing now for onslaught from parents of 6 yr olds who can reportedly out run Paula Radcliffe

Hmm... Okay...
Sounds like I'm one of those mothers after all. I honestly don't see it as boasting if I ask questions like "DS is almost too big for his stage 1 car seat - anyone got a stage 2 and if so, which one?"
Probably explains why DS is never invited anywhere - it's all my fault.

Fizzled, you can relax mist of us know the difference between a boast by stealth and genuine curiosity, if you were asking the car seat question when your dc was obviously too young that's silly. Most people like to be asked their opinions so stop worrying, your developmental queries seem well, well within the remits of non competitive conversation