Over Protective?

[jampot]

I have 2 lovely kids, 7 and 10. I don't allow them to play out on the road or hang around in parks etc (as some do). I am seen as an overprotective mother and many of my friends insist on telling me where I am going wrong and I should let my kids out to play on the road or go to the shops on their own etc. Incidentally, my children don't want to do these things. Both are fairly shy (as I was as a child) and are happy with the way things are. I obviously do let them play with friends both at our house and at friends houses. My daughter (10) will be going to secondary school next year and I will allow her to walk to school with friends. I have started taking her to our shopping centre and waiting outside of shops so she can make decisions etc when inside on her own to increase her confidence. A residential school trip is being organised for next year and none of us feel happy about the arrangements being made. I feel I am being pressured by teaching staff and parents into allowing my child to do something which neither of us feel happy about. Does anyone else have this problem?

HI jampot,I don't think you are being overprotective at all,they are still really young.My ds is nearly twelve and has been playing outside for about four years but I can usually see her and its usually on our front lawn or a neighbours.If she goes out of sight she must tell me where she is going and get my permission.She has walked to school with a friend since year six.We made sure she was competent at crossing roads first and walked with them at first.As for the residebtial trip I would say encourage your child to go as she will probably love it.My ds did the same thing but there were quite a few kids in her year that didn't go and they definately weren't made to feel awkward about it.Maybe you could be a parent volunteer if your ds doesn't mind.mine wouldn't let me but my friends child wanted her mum to go.

Jampot, can you tell us more about the arrangements you're not happy with? Maybe then we can tell you what we think.

Hi thanks for your quick responses. The trip is an activity week but the kids are sleeping in caravans with the staff in a separate caravan on a site which is still open to the general public (no barriers or fencing to separate te two areas).

I wolud question the security,the trip my ds went on was on a special camp called little canada on the IOW.There was no public on the sight and it was very secure,well Im assuming it was as they told us this.She has also gone to guide camps and we have always been reassured by the leaders that security is taken very seriously.I would be surprised is the school have not mad eplans about security,I would seek reassurance from them and go with your instinct

I think it depends on a few things then jampot: how your child feels about it, how many children will be in each caravan, what the locks/other security arrangements are (i.e. what happens if one of the children is scared in the night - how do they contact an adult?) and where the site is. Don't tell us but I'd be less worried about say, Devon, than I might be about, I dunno, the Bronx (Joking!).

I think the school trip is not really suitable for primary schol children. My 11 year old dd went on a school activity trip in may. She slept in a chalet with 3 friends and they had their own chalet key, but the chalet was connected to others with a staff one in the middle. Also there were a couple of blocks of chalets and each was connected to a staff chalet Although the centre is open to the public in school holidays it is only used by schools during school term time. I dont think you are doing anything wrong in not letting you children play on the road or go to the park on there own as they are still v. young just do what you are happy with. My 11 year old dd did start to come home from school by herself in the last term at primary school when we were confident she could manage the roads. My older 2 started to do this in year 5 as they were more confident on the roads.

First i'd like to say that you don't sound over protective to me, you sound lovely and if your kids are happy with the arrangment then i wouldn't worry! I too would be concerned to say the least about the holiday, i think polly28's suggestion about being a volunteer is good! DONT feel pressure from anybody though,(exept your dd), she is YOUR child not theirs! My dd is only 2.6 and the thought of all this terrifies me already and i will be volunteering for trips and the like! I remember going to Paris aged 12 and i was in a hotel room with 3 other girls having beer passed down from the balcony above(boys from another school).I think of that now and think of my dd and groan!!!!!!!! Good luck and let us know what you decide!

God just read my post about Paris.Sorry- probably not what you wanted to hear

Thanks to everyone who offered advice and support. My husband and I have discussed this with our daughter and she says she won't be devastated if she doesn't go (the promise of extra riding lessons and she won't even think about it!!) I think she's quite relieved actually.

I think I may be overprotective 'cos when I was 15 my best friend was murdered - and she knew how to look after herself. I never thought all those years ago that it would shape how I bring my children up. Does anyone know a good shrink?

Just to update, just had dd's parents evening and found out that she has been put on an Individual Education Plan for Emotional & Social Development because she is not independent and confident enough!!! Apparently been on it since Sept. but we've only just found out and dd didn't even know. Whose daughter is she anyway????? Class teacher also took dd out of class one day and said that I should give her more independence and freedom!!!

I think it's really difficult to comment on your situation because my children are younger than yours, so I haven't had to face the same dilemmas yet. I think it is very normal to want to protect your kids and also to feel anxious about things like their first school trip. It must be terribly hard for you if your friend was murdered too.

I grew up with a very anxious mum. I had lots of freedom to do things, but she was always very worried about me getting ill for example. She definatly passed some of her anxiety on to me andI do feel quite recentful about that to be honest. I have had to work a lot on getting rid of irrational worries and I am really conscious about not passing it on to my children. I am not saying that's what you are doing because I don't know you, but I think it's something us parents have to watch out for. A book that has really helped me to get things a little into perspective was Frank Furedi's "Paranoid Parenting". You might find it interesting too.

I would've thought that if they were trying to increase your daughter's independence etc then the best way to do this would be to work at it WITH you, not behind your back. If the teacher had a problem with your parenting then I think they should have spoken to you directly, not like this. Could you arrange a meeting with them to discuss this and the trip?

surely being put on an IEP at school would mean you as parents would have to be involved....sounds like someone has forgotten to include you....i'd be having words with class teacher and senco at the school...

She's been on IEPs for extension challenges for the last 2 years (bright kid) and we've had to sign for it - don't know what's happened this time but suspect teacher is annoyed that she's not going on trip and maybe its turning into battle of wills.