Dont sweat the small stuff?

[BoysRusxxx]

Hi,

I have two sons, both under 2.5. They are typical boys who like to run around, jump off things etc. They are generally quite good although they do act up sometimes as all kids do. I have always said i dont want to be a naggy type of mother but i know they do need discipline.

I give out when I have to. I wouldnt shout but would usually threaten to take away the toy they are playing with as punishment or for example if ds1 ran off while we were out walking i would threaten him by telling him if he run away again he will go back in buggy and would put him in if needed.

I generally overlook the small things. Like for example if the boys were out the garden and i saw ds2 take ds1s toy, I pretend i didnt see and hope they sort it out themselves. if it wasnt sorted out after a few seconds and ds was crying i would go out and sort it out. Is this ok?

Sil and Mil seem to think I am too soft with the boys. They havent said it out straight to me but i know from little things they have said that that is what they think of me. My kids are very polite, would never hit another child and have never had a tantrum, yes they get giddy and climb up on things but that would be the extent of it really...but arent all boys a bit like this??

Sil has two kids and from what ive seen, she is very naggy with them. She takes the up on the silliest things and makes a big song and dance out of things for example, Sil, myself and her tow kids were driving home from a party a few weeks ago, niece (age 4) was messing with nephew(2), just tapping his arm, he wasnt giving out, was just sitting there watching her and sil told her to stop, she continued, sil then told her she would be going straight to bed when we got home (it was well too early for bed) Niece started crying, sil gave her a big lecture about making the right choices in life and when you make the wrong choice there is a consequence! If that had been me, i would have said nothing and none of that would have happened!

Does this make me soft?? or do other people have the same way of thinking?

Sorry this is a bit long, didnt mean to get so deep into it?

They've never had a tantrum? Really? Wow. Tell me your secret!

I also don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short to do so. If it's working for you, then do it. If it isn't, then change it. Who cares what others think/do/say?

Yeah they really havent and i dont mean that in a smug way because they are certainly no angels! Ds1 went through a phase of pushing ds2 every 5 seconds but we got through it and he would rarely do it now.

I know i shouldnt care what they think of me but i do!! I hate to think of them talking about me and my kids. Dp tells me to just ignore them. We are generally very confident in our parenting and we both agree what we are doing is best for our kids but sometimes i need reasurrance. Sil is coming to stay with us for two weeks (with her two kids..) soon and I know there will be a few snide comments here and there!

So be snide back!

She says 'you let him get away with that?'
Say 'Yes. Why shouldn't I?'

She pulls her daughter up for something that, to you, is not worth the bother. Say 'You punisher her for that? I wish I had that kind of time.'

Fight fire with fire. Or just let it all roll off your back.

I think you're right to ignore the small stuff. But I also think that everyone has a different view of what 'small stuff' is. I'd be inclined to react to both the small things you describe- a DC taking another's toy and a DC tapping another's arm (and continuing after being asked to stop). But I wouldn't have lectured a 4 year-old on life choices, or sent them to bed early! And there's a lot of things that I would happily ignore or use distraction, that other parents would probably not tolerate.

Tee, I would love to say something but I would be embarrassed to interfere. I know she is doing the same to me but im not very confrontational

Pozzled, your right people have different opinions on 'small stuff' maybe I am too soft. I just find sometimes if i get involved, it escalates into something bigger than it needs to be, iykwim?

Well, then, just let it roll off your back.

I know my SIL judges what we do with our son. We have 100% different parenting styles. She doesn't say anything directly but her tone/facial expressions/etc when she asks me things scream 'I don't approve!!'

And I don't care! I don't 100% approve what what she does with her children either. shrug Doesn't make either of us soft or bad parents or what ever you want to call it.

Just makes us different.

Your right tee, I suppose it just makes us different. thats exactly how sil is with me, i can tell from her tone she doesnt approve! Its gonna be a lllloooooonnnnngggg two weeks

I just read through my OP and it reads a bit smug about my DC! sorry didnt mean it that way, just wanted to paint the picture incase people thought they were brats

I don't have the energy to sweat the small stuff. When I do I hate myself- it just feels like I've spent a whole day saying NO! and telling my 3yr old off, and I think the constant negativity affects his behaviour. When I pick my battles and let the little things go, easing up on the nagging, his behaviour is improved. Your SIL sounds a bit extreme to be lecturing a 4yr old about life choices.

You'll find I'm usually right.

YES fairyarmidillo! My ds's behavior gets worse when i nag. I can generally distract them if they are getting a bit 'boisterous'! If i see it starting ill say, come on and we do this jigsaw/painting etc and they usually snap out of it pretty quickly!

I think there are a few issues with sil and i. We used to get on well but when i had ds1, she started this whole my child is better than your child, my childminder is better than your CM kind of business! I hate the way it is because I love having other mothers to moan about the kids/moan about housework etc to IYKWIM?

My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time and had a great time chatting about being pregnant.

And then our sons were born and we went such different directions that it's impossible to really talk any more.

And she's just had another last week and ours will be an only child.

We have disagreed about everything from weaning to Cry It Out!

Sil and I were pregnant together aswell. Thats when things went wrong for us. Luckily she lives far away so only have to see her a few times a year. She disagrees with everything we do with our Dc, from the length of the boys hair (they have longish curls which we love ), to the clothes we dress them in and the fact they arent christened! I think she thinks were tree-hugging hippys!

I feel much more confident in our decisions after doing this thread so will try just ignore sil in future :)

my sis is a shouty sweary mum always screeching her lungs out at my poor nephew whereas there is no shouting in this house OH and i dont argue we sulk childishly for a few hours and we dont shout at DD unless it is something dangerous like running into roads and other death defying type things. as long as you are happy with your parenting then bugger what SIL and MIL say/look like.

BoysRus i am a bit like you and your SIL should meet my DP, they would have lots to scream/threaten and shout about together!

I would just ignore her comments really and maybe tell her once and for all, that i would prefer if she didnt make comments on the way i bring up my children.

Hmmm op I suspect your dc have never had a tantrum because you avoid confrontation,why would they tantrum if they're never confronted.

This is all fine and dandy for kids under 2.5 but these heady days won't last forever at some point you will have to confront bad behaviour,avoidance as a discipline technique really doesn't work past 3(unless of course you wish to raise little shites).

So really I'm saying come back when your dc are a older and then lecture us all on how to parent.

Re climbing on things my boys didn't actually do that when not appropriate,in playgrounds yes but in a shop no and no I wouldn't turn a blind eye as I think it's disrespectful to other people's property.

Milamae, your rather defensive arent you? When did I lecture anyone about their parenting?? Seriously, where in my post did I say i lectured anyone?

My children have honestly never had a tantrum but as I said they are by no means angels! For example today, ds ran off on me when I was walking. He wouldnt come back when i called him so I took away a chocolate bar my mil had given him for after his lunch. I didnt avoid confrontation and he didnt have a tantrum.

When I say jumping on things, I didnt mean in other people houses oher in shops, i mean they jump on my couch and their little table and chairs etc but as I said they are no angels.

And as a matter of interest Milamae, How do you discipline your DC?

Not to the OP, but to the odd couple of sceptical people. Not all children have tantrums. I suspect it's a character issue as much as a parenting issue. None of my three have been prone to tantrums, I think DD did the laying on the floor, stubborn thing a couple of times but she got bored before I did

FWIW I'm also a believer in picking battles. I have very solid rules, but they tend to be of the 'don't deliberately hurt anyone/don't deliberately break anything/treat others as you want to be treated' variety. Everything else is fairly negotiable (although at the end of it all I have the last say)

My dc didn't really tantrum much.Dd has the odd one(v rare) now at 6 if sent to her room.

Up until 3 I did avoidance,reasoning,plain old "no" then started to bring the step in. Now they're 7,7 and 6 I confiscate DS time,treats and TV,send to room etc. Once I stopped dd from going to a party.

I don't believe in endless warnings or threats,after a while they cotton on that much of it never happens.

I don't smack.

I say something once then sorry it's a punishment.I always follow through.

I don't tolerate rudeness,lack of respect(to people or property) or hurting(which they pretty much never do).

I holler if I feel the need.

Re not sweating the small stuff,I have no wish for my "small stuff" to annoy the hell out of other people or give my dc the idea that they can behave however they choose regardless of other people.Small stuff to you might be big stuff to others-just sayin

Mrsdmitritippenskrushnic I honestly think they just dont know what a tantrum is or how to have one! I dont think i have anything to do with it. I think all children have 'their thing' like my friends dd is awful for tantrums but then she would never run off when called like my ds does, iykwim?

Well it seems we have the exact same parenting style milamae