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Parenting

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Original poster

WHy am I such an arse?! I feel like i have done the wrong thing.

17 replies

peggotty · 03/07/2011 12:48

I have got myself into a right state. DD is 6. She had always had a problem with going to parties - she hates big groups, disco-style parties and most party games. I have to stay at most parties with her. she has had 2 parties this weekend. One yesterday was just a her friends house, where she has been a number of times after school for tea etc - it was a small group of girls that she knows well and plays with at school all the time. she still had a meltdown when I tried to leave. She is the only one who cries like this when I tryr to leave her at parties - all the other kids run off happily. I had decided to just accept this was the way she was, but yesterday I got angry with her and I felt it was silly that she was behaving that way at a small party at someones house that she'd been to a number of times. I said that if she didn't stop doing it then I would stop allowing her to go to parties .

The party that she's gone to today is in a gym that she's never been to. I told her I would stay for a bit then go - she agreed to this. When they party organiser girl took them away to start party games, she was miserable and wouldn't join in. The mum of the girl whose party it is persuaded me to leave her and that her older girl was like this when she was younger and the best thing to do is leave them. I went away feeling uneasy that I have left her somewhere that she doesn'#t know, utterly miserable . Have I done the right thing? I fee; awful.

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cybboid · 03/07/2011 12:53

My son was always like this

I'm sure she will join in and have a nice time without you there watching her

Goblinchild · 03/07/2011 12:59

You won't know until you go and get her, will the other mother phone if your DD has a complete meltdown?
What is she like at school now, and what was she like in reception at parting from you?
Sometimes you just have to try and do something that make you feel uncomfortable if you are trying to change a situation. When do you collect her?

colditz · 03/07/2011 12:59

My friend's daughter is like this, screams and whines and wailsand yells blue murder until her mum is out of earshot. As soon as her mum is well and truly Not There, she has a wonderful time, only to collapse into wracking sobs as soon as her mum turns up. I filmed her once because her mumwas so stressed about leaving her, just to prove that she is well and truly fine without her mum, she's just playing for notice.

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Original poster

peggotty · 03/07/2011 13:06

She has only recently stopped crying every single day when going into school. Always fine when she gets in. She's not generally doing big dramatic wailing and screaming in these situations, just crying and looking miserable. It is all about not separating well from me. I know it's probably good for her to learn to be left at parties etc but it just makes me feel awful that she is so miserable. She's a sensitive soul. She won't join in party games whether I'm there or not.

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Original poster

peggotty · 03/07/2011 13:08

Sorry meant to add, another mum is bringing her home for me, party finishes at 2. DH is also saying that we need to get a but tougher with her about this kind if thing. Maybe I'm just a wuss and bring pfb about it but I don't think that approach will work with her.

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Goblinchild · 03/07/2011 13:11

You need to try and separate your feelings of guilt and worry from hers, try a bit of short-term abandonment and let her learn to be without you for a while.
Does she react the same way when your DH drops her somewhere?
It is OK for her to observe and float around the edges for a bit, then get lured in by the possibilities of fun.

allhailtheaubergine · 03/07/2011 13:17

Might not apply to you peggoty, but do you reinforce her dislike of being left? Do you make casual reference to it, or assume it will be the case before she brings it up?

I think one of the hardest things to do as a parent is tread the fine line between acknowledging our children's fears, and reinforcing them - almost making them a self fulfilling prophesy.

Original poster

peggotty · 03/07/2011 13:21

Goblin, yes she is the same with dh. Theres never enough time at kids parties for them to observe really, they're so frenetic aren't they. When I left her, one of the party organiser girls was being lively with her, holding her hand and getting her to 'help' her with various things.

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Original poster

peggotty · 03/07/2011 13:23

Allhail, yes I probably do a bit. Thats a good point.

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Dancergirl · 03/07/2011 14:57

Don't worry.

Even if it's the worst possible scenario - doesn't settle at all, hates the party, has a horrible time, wants to go home etc...remember it's only 2 hours of her life. She's not going to be emotionally scarred by that.

Best possible scenario - settles in and has a great time! Result!

Will probably be somewhere between the two but you won't really know till you try so it's good you left her.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 15:49

My DD is like this at parties, wants me to stay even if she's been there loads of times, won't join in, say she feels shy with kids she knows really well. Have no idea what the answer is!

jubilee10 · 03/07/2011 15:54

My Ds2 was like this and would never stay alone at parties. He didn't join in with games etc. Eventually when he got a party invitation I would ask him if he wanted to go and if he said he didn't I would refuse the invitation.

If she doesn't like parties and doesn't want to go/join in I don't see why she should have to.

Ds2 (13) is perfectly sociable now but still chooses not to go to some parties (as do I)

BitOfFun · 03/07/2011 16:03

I would just stop taking her to parties. They sound miserable for her. She might grow out of it in a year or two without any pressure.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 16:07

As I said above though, my acts the same but LOVES going to parties. Or at least she says she does! She usually warms up 2 mins before the end.

LawrieMarlow · 03/07/2011 16:32

How was she?

Original poster

peggotty · 04/07/2011 10:59

Well she was fine apparently. Still wouldn't join in the games at all but came home smiling and happy. I don't think I should stop her going to parties, I think she just has to go through this. Stopping her going altogether would just delay her getting used to doing things a bit out of her comfort zone. She is always keen to go and rarely says she doesn't want to. The odd time she has said this i've said that's fine.

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PrettyMeerkat · 04/07/2011 12:11

I don't think you should stop her going either. She obviously gets something out of it even if she doesn't join in all the games. My DD loves going and chosing what she is going to wear etc and wouldn't want to miss it, even though she clings to me most of the time.

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