I'm so crap at this

[nutcracker]

This morning dd2 asked me for the stapler, we had a quick look and eventually found it under a plie of crap in the cupboard, and it was all broken.

I asked Dd1 if she knew anything about it and she said no. I asked her again and she said well yeah it just fell apart. After I asked her a 3rd time she admitted she had taken it all apart. It was unfixable because she's pulled the spring out and lost it. I told her I was really annoyed, not that it was broken but that she'd lied again ( recently had a big lying problem with her).
I told her she would have to pay for a new one out of her birthday money (not realising that she doesn't know you can get one for £1).

She stormed off upstairs screaming and shouting. When it was time to go to school, I called her down and she refused to move , saying she wasn't going to school. I told her she was and again asked her to go and get her coat on. She continued to scream and shout and tell me she hated me, so I told her if she carried on I would remove her tv.

Anyway, I eventually had to drag her downstairs and she then ran straight for dd2 and said she was going to beat her up and stamp on her . She didn't get to her cos the boy I was taking to school with us, grabbed her and my neighbour had dd2.

I eventually got her to walk to school without screaming and shouting, but all the while she kept saying she was moving out and going to live with my mom. I made matters worse by saying I didn't care.

She then kept saying that I said I didn't like her which is certainly not true at all, I never said any such thing.

When we got to school she was still crying saying she didn't want me to take her tv. I felt I had to stick to what I said so said that it was still being removed but I hadn't decided how long for.

When the bell rang and I gave her a kiss she disolved ijnto tears again, and so I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and said we'd discuss it later. She went in still crying.

I then had to walk up to the office and 2 parents accosted me asking what was wrong with her cos she was still crying. I gave a very brief explanation and they looked at me like I was the worst mother ever.

I went and looked through dd1's classroom window and she was sitting with her friends but still crying. I went round to go in and ask if I could speak to her but the doors were locked by then, so I went back to the window, waved and blew her a kiss. She just looked and then got up to do something.

I feel awful now. I am annoyed with her for lying, but I had no intention of her getting so upset, but she blew it all up out of proportion by refusing to come out of her room. I realise I should have explained about paying for a new stapler as she probably thought it would cost all of the money she has.

Feel really bad now that she is sitting at school all upset

How do I make it up to her and do I still remove the tv ??

I just want to say Nutcracker, bringing up three children at 27 - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!! Do not beat yourself up about anything, you're only doing your best and nobody can criticise you for that.

I can't resist practical ideas - you say that you often have this with her: so obviously you want to stop it escalating to this, SO;
Perhaps you for a while have to be ridiculously positive with her. She DID tell you the truth about the stapler, (in the end) so maybe for the moment you ignore the lies and say how PLEASED and PROUD you are that she told you the truth, you're SO GLAD she doesn't lie any more. Then calmly look at the stapler and say obviously you need to replace a stapler: lets go after school and you can buy one, it'll probably be a pound or two. OK? Hopefully this approach might have avoided her flouncing upstairs and the resulting chaos. If you get a situation that results in a flounce etc, then just remember she's only a child - she can't climb down from her 'position' without a bit of help. A visit from you where you calmy and fondly (even if you don't feel it!)tell her you'd like to have a hug (or whatever you do) would give her the 'bridge' she needs to enable her to come down and start again.

I always feel that with children it's too easy to go straight to anger, telling off mode - she didn't take apart the stapler to annoy anybody - she's a kid, there's a compulsion to see how things work and explore and yes, destruct! I'm sure you could calmly state how bad it is to ruin somebody's stapler, how inconvenient it is for the person who wanted to use it, how we don't just take things apart, etc: She still gets an idea she did the wrong thing but she doesn not get the opportunity to flounce of shouting. Maybe!
I'm NOT saying this to criticise what you did, but to illustrate that maybe a bit more calm and positivity would turn things away from this situation.
Hope some of this makes sense. I wish you luck, and I reckon by now she will be playing as happily with her friends as on any other day. It's you that is tortured, not her! Get yourself a treat and PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK for being such a loving mum x

Gosh, what a great post dexter. I'm going to try that as my "default" position is always anger .

Oh thanks Flashingnose x It's so easy to click straight in to the anger mode, isn't it!! Good luck!

Thankyou dexter that was a lovely post and you are right I am too quick to jump into angry mode. I was that annoyed about the lying I just didn't think. We have recently had a situation where she lied about a teacher, and I was so sure that she wouldn't do it again that I was just really annoyed.

I have covered her tv up. It's a pain in the backside to remove it and i'm hoping that me trusting her not to touch it until it's uncovered will help.

I am going to ask her to help me think of a long term punishment remedy too, ie the pasta jar/sticker chart or whatever.

Crazydazy that is exactly the rlationship I have with dd. She has always seemed older than her years and I often treat her as if she is too, which is wrong.

She is the least affectionate of the 3 kids, but at the same time you can tell she wants to be affectionate iykwim. I do kiss and hug her every day but I know that if I didn't she wouldn't either where as dd2 and ds are very very affectionate and so I suppose to dd1 it would seem as though I give them more affection.

She does sound like my DD, she is not very affectionate, she gets quite embarrased if me and DP are loving towards each other, she finds the whole thing quite repulsive!!! DS is very loving and wants me to hug him constantly!!! I think because she's so independent I tend to treat her more like a small adult, when like you say Nutcracker sometimes they just want to be kids!!!!

Its the bain of being the oldest, I know how she feels as I was the oldest and I always seemed to be fed up as my sister got the most attention, mind you, she still does!!!!!

Sorry you had such a miserable start ot the day I think you should do as you said with tv (remove the remote or disable the plug, whatever is easiest) and do as suggested, get a replacement stapler and deduct a pound from her. Am I right in thinking that she hasn't actually apologised for breaking it or lying. tbh until she genuinely does I would n't let her have her tv back. She has to learn that there are consequences to her actions. Perhaps you also need to make a distinction between a genuine accident, to which she can own up with no repercussions, and being destructive and deceitful as in this case.

tbh think you handled it really - says I who dragged a screaming 4yr old out of school yesterday .

Great post Dexter, what you said is what I think about AFTER the incident usually, too late then though

I hate myself when I get angry with the kids so quickly but on a morning when you are getting them ready for school it can escalate very easily!!!! One of them always ends up crying every morning!!!!

DP had the day off the other day and both kids got ready and out of the door no hassle, he was so smug about it . He couldn't understand why it was so stressful for me. I just said to him "try doing it day in, day out, you will soon change your mind"!!!

Everyone has days like these nutcracker, I'm sure she does love you, you are the centre of her world, she just finds it harder to show it than your others. I have a similar relationship with one of my twin DDs (4) who rarely cuddles or kisses me without me asking her to whereas her sister is so cuddly and loving and a much much easier child, less prone to tantrums and rages and just more reasonable. I'm sure your DD will be fine when she comes home. I'm going to try Dexter's advice on my stroppy DD. Good luck. God help us when they hit their teens!

Oh nutty just seen this, sorry about your bad start to day.
Agree with others here, you need to carry through on the sanction and stop the TV.
You are not a bad mum, if you were none of this would worry you at all.
I have the lying thing with ds1 too, he says "will you be angry mummy" and I say, I will be more annoyed if you don'y tell me the truth. Sometimes he charges off to his room if it doesn't go that way. (he's 6 btw). Trying to say, don't beat y/self up, sounds to me as if you handled it well tho dexter's post makes a good point too.

Glad some of these posts have been helpful Nutcracker. I think the pasta jar type idea is brilliant but (just because I'm sticking my nose in today) I wouldn't relate it to punishment. I'd call it a reward thing and say it's because when she's good you don't want it to go unrewarded; every time you can you want to reward her etc etc.

Good luck with the TV thing; I really felt for you this morning, and could almost SEE your anxious face looking in at your daughter through the window, that girl can't fail to know you love her xx I hope you make life as easy as you can for YOURSELF - if you feel you have to do the TV thing, just do it for an hour or something that she's GUARANTEED to manage!!!! Then you get the chance to kiss her and say well done, etc, and you don't get another struggle to deal with - and you have kept to your word of doing what you said you'd do.

Sending good thoughts!

Thanks so much, you lot have made me feel alot better.

She has apologised LIZ, she did it between sobs just before she went into school. I will sit her down and have a chat with her when she gets in as I always do when we have had a row.

I will also apologise for not making it clear about the stapler, and for over reacting etc etc.

So what do you do with the pasta jar then, would someone explain. Have done the sticker chart before and that seemed to work too, is it a similar thing???